I-can-only-imagine
Student
- Apr 26, 2021
- 135
My dad who is STILL here from the UK after my very nearly successful attempt in June, said something along the lines that if i was to try again, he would flay me alive. I have been in 6 hospitals since the end of may, including 4 Psychiatric wards, the local hospital and 5 days in ICU.
and yet all of this, DBT, medications, 3(!) psychologists. nothing has changed. it is an endless cycle. I go back to just wanting to CTB, fantasizing about when I was unconscious on a ventilator because i wasn't aware, my brain was quiet, i was unaware and there was just..............nothing. after 16 years. surely i am allowed to say enough is enough. But no. I am instead made to feel guilty and trapped. I know its because he cares, and because he loves me. But it isn't helping. It just makes me feel even worse when i didnt even think that was possible!!!
and yet all of this, DBT, medications, 3(!) psychologists. nothing has changed. it is an endless cycle. I go back to just wanting to CTB, fantasizing about when I was unconscious on a ventilator because i wasn't aware, my brain was quiet, i was unaware and there was just..............nothing. after 16 years. surely i am allowed to say enough is enough. But no. I am instead made to feel guilty and trapped. I know its because he cares, and because he loves me. But it isn't helping. It just makes me feel even worse when i didnt even think that was possible!!!