Venting Anyone else feels like this in life for the past 10 years?

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I do an activity and I just feel like I'd do anything, I'd move an entire house brick by brick if I could get the result instead of doing said activity, I feel like even if I knew how to make pastry , I'd jump in circles and pat my tummy and wish that the cake would just be made even if I can do it myself. Everything is like this, from getting to bed to going to brush my teeth, to listening to music , etc... I really don't enjoy being alive or doing anything in the way that it's presented to me , the process of doing activities just sucks and I don't care anymore, for years I've been trying everything and it's to no avail, I can't do any activity, my brain looks at it like a mad king would look at peasant in the year 300, I care so little for it that no matter what happens to it, I just can't be bothered to lift even a finger to even wave it in it's direction. I've been feeling like this since I was very young.

 

[Chili]

It feels like that and then you move into the next task, and and it's the same thought over and over. Every feels like a drag, nothing is fun anymore. You just want to sleep the day away. Is that kind of what it feels like ig? I'm somewhat the same way. It's exhausting and I've never found a way out. Sometimes you get these glimpses of happiness but it just reminds you what ur missing.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

It feels like that and then you move into the next task, and and it's the same thought over and over. Every feels like a drag, nothing is fun anymore. You just want to sleep the day away. Is that kind of what it feels like ig? I'm somewhat the same way. It's exhausting and I've never found a way out. Sometimes you get these glimpses of happiness but it just reminds you what ur missing.

Yeah, I wake up, I do something , I forget what I did, I get angry, I want to try an activity, I remember I can't love and understand anything, I want to go to sleep, I wake up, everything is like a mirage, a fog of some kind, you can't navigate, you can't do anything, it's like trying to get over a boundary in a video game and there is an invisible wall there, it just can't be done.

 

[Anon7b8]

Been like that for the past few years too... The feeling of being trapped in a loop that keeps closing in on you that it gets hard to breathe at times, but just enough so you feel grateful for the next fresh breathe of air you take.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I find all but the bare minimum extremely difficult to make myself do. Even the bare minimum I kind of sulk and resent my way through. It's no way to live when so many of these things are necessary just to get by.

 

[divinemistress87]

Everything is to much effort

 

[StrugglingSienna]

I have this magical ability to perform tasks and act like a normal ass person in front of other people. I can watch a movie with my family and seem to enjoy it, but I'm not even sure if I'm enjoying it or just that I'm happy that the people around me seem to think that I'm enjoying it.

When I'm alone, totally different. Can't make myself groom my body or clean my surroundings. Can't enjoy anything that I do. The only thing I do enjoy is sleeping, but that makes work come again sooner, so I usually just rot in my bed to make the time pass slower.

 

[venerated-vader]

I resonate with this. As a kid I used to complain about having to shower solely because I knew I'd just have to do it again later. Washing my hair was agonizing because I'd get a billion knots, and I'd spend an hour, two, three having my mom braid it or whatever. And every single time, I dreaded the pain. Even then, it felt pointless, because I'll have to do it again, and again, and again, and again. Nevermind the monumental amount of effort it takes to even do these things once. And it never gets any easier because this revulsion and anhedonia is coming from within me. No change in circumstances can cure what I was born with. I've been lucky, and unlucky, and I've clawed myself out of hell a few times with pretty much zero help. But no matter what I do or where I am, I am still lost.

Life feels to me a lot like swallowing my medication. My gag reflex is crazy, so sometimes it feels like I'm trying to throw up (though I'm trying not to), gagging and all that shit. I know logically that no matter how much it hurts, I probably shouldn't just stop taking meds they're supposed to make me better. Which they arguably do— but not nearly enough. T'is an analogy I like to use because I've been struggling with this from the moment I realized I couldn't just take liquid allergy meds for the rest of my life. There are days now where I don't gag like that, I only have to suffer from the anxiety of potentially doing so. Those are the good days. But I will find it difficult again, I'll gag and choke again, and I will intermittently do so until I'm dead.

So it feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare, even when I'm 'happy'. I have to wonder how people can go about their lives, not just enduring life but enjoying it, and doing so with what appears to be effortless intent. Even when I'm outside in the sun, or exercising, or trying to better my life, I feel like I'm sitting just adjacent to actual happiness, and no matter how much I try to get closer to it, I'm only able to see what it looks like and understand how damn close it is. I can't feel it.