Venting anyone else feels like they were dead on arrival?

[freonix]

sometimes it really just feels like we were doomed to suffer from the beginning, huh? i was thinking back to how i got here, and i realised that my fate was already sealed from the start

i was born as an autistic child to parents who were far from equipped to handle one (and definitely didn't want to). after getting my diagnosis, my parents not only decided to not disclose it to me (and still have not), but also ridiculed me for my autistic traits that i wasn't able to control. before i accidentally found out about my diagnosis, i was genuinely convinced i was subhuman. the years of emotional, verbal, (possibly sexual as my memories may be repressed) and physical abuse from my parents have likely given me c-ptsd too.

i was also born into a country with one of the most competitive educational systems. somehow stumbled my way into good schools because i was a "gifted child" but constantly being surpassed by my over-achieving neurotypical peers just tanked my self-esteem and motivation. the ridiculous expectations from my parents also did not help, i never received any actual validation from them despite achieving things i was proud of and was instead constantly berated for not doing enough. as if surviving in this fucked up world wasn't already enough!

i didn't have many friends in school because people constantly sensed something was "wrong" with me and just avoided me, plus my parents never let me out of the house besides to go to school so i wasn't able to hang out with anyone. the few people i know are unable to truly empathise with my suffering. i'm struggling in college now because i don't have friends to discuss work with, and i've run out of energy to keep up with work.

so i am now lying here in bed after a sleepless night, being fatigued but unable to do anything about it. my finals for a class i've been flunking are tomorrow and i am likely to fail. i genuinely hate the situation i'm in, slowly losing what's left of my dignity; so much has been taken from me ever since the beginning, it feels like a cruel joke. but it's alright, because i know my SN is arriving soon :-)

(and i hope my parents rot in hell for all they have done is to take from me ever since i was born)

 

[NambaSutra]

My circumstances are different but looking back I can definitely see the seeds of my defective personality as a child. I actually thought I was a happy child at the time (there was no internet to compare) but actually I wasn't and things have gotten much worse with adulthood, getting worse and worse every year and decade. And now at 48 I feel so fucking unwell I can't imagine still living for more decades of this permanent suck life with all my awful neuroses.

 

[immrw]

Yes.

Idk if this is a controversial opinion, but childhood abuse (especially sexual) will fuck someone up for the rest of their life. I lived through all the abuses as a child between my two parents. I spent a good portion of my life thinking all the emotional work I poured into therapy would completely heal me. Honestly, after 3 years of half-assed and 4 years of intense therapy, I went from actively suicidal to most of the time passively suicidal. The changes have been so marginal it doesn't feel worth it anymore.

I haven't been formally diagnosed with autism, but I showed all the traits as a kid and still show them as an adult. I cannot for the life of me connect with people unless they are also ND. I'm called awkward and weird. I don't know if it's lingering CPTSD or autism, but there is most definitely something wrong with me that I don't think could ever be fixed.

 

[freonix]

My circumstances are different but looking back I can definitely see the seeds of my defective personality as a child. I actually thought I was a happy child at the time (there was no internet to compare) but actually I wasn't and things have gotten much worse with adulthood, getting worse and worse every year and decade. And now at 48 I feel so fucking unwell I can't imagine still living for more decades of this permanent suck life with all my awful neuroses.

same here, i was isolated as a child so i didn't know what i was going through was not normal and that parents were not supposed to yell at their children that much. i don't think i could survive many more years in my current state

Idk if this is a controversial opinion, but childhood abuse (especially sexual) will fuck someone up for the rest of their life. I lived through all the abuses as a child between my two parents. I spent a good portion of my life thinking all the emotional work I poured into therapy would completely heal me. Honestly, after 3 years of half-assed and 4 years of intense therapy, I went from actively suicidal to most of the time passively suicidal. The changes have been so marginal it doesn't feel worth it anymore.

I haven't been formally diagnosed with autism, but I showed all the traits as a kid and still show them as an adult. I cannot for the life of me connect with people unless they are also ND. I'm called awkward and weird. I don't know if it's lingering CPTSD or autism, but there is most definitely something wrong with me that I don't think could ever be fixed.

i honestly feel like that's not just an opinion - childhood abuse genuinely shifts the trajectory of your life downwards, i couldn't fully explain how much more i would have been able to achieve without it and how much happier i'd be without all that crushing weight. living with trauma and all of the symptoms and loneliness that come with it is so painful

most of the people i've connected are either ND, and/or have rocky relationships with their parents - i find it's partly because of how impossible it is to explain the weight of my suffering to those with happy families, because they simply cannot understand what it's like to not have that support system, and partly because of my autism

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I was born the wrong sex so i was doomed since the beginning.

 

[scarecrowbubu]

I don't think that we are doomed from the beginning. It's just the people around us that had so much influence on how we will end up. Ctb. If we were born alone we would've had the same way of thinking?

 

[TapeMachine]

I generally only connect with other neurodivergent people as well. I have adhd, which isn't the same as autism, I know; but there is a great deal of overlap in the symptoms of autism + adhd. Still, I'm not suggesting I know the full scope of your experience or what it feels like to live in your mind day in and day out.

Thing is, I'm 38, and I was only diagnosed less than a year ago. So I spent my entire life thinking I was normal, that everybody felt the way I did, encountered the same difficulties to the same degree.. and that I just needed to try harder, be better, do better.

But no amount of "trying harder" is going to magically fix a neurodevelopmental disorder; and because I didn't know that my brain was different for over 30 years, I just internalized my shortcomings and grew to despise myself.

Looking back, I've always had a hard time connecting with groups of friends (I do better in one on one situations). As a child and as an adult, I've often been excluded, but I never really understood why...until I was randomely clued into the possibility of my having adhd last year. I spent 5 or 6 months examining my life- past and present- while comparing my experiences to a long list of diagnostic symptoms. It was wild, the epiphanies I had during those months.

Anyway. I think those of us who are atleast genetically fucked from the beginning because of our neurodivergence could have possibly excelled in life, but much of that would have depended on how much love and support we had been provided by our parents/guardians.

Those of us who experienced abusive childhoods in addition to our ND? I'd definitely say we were destined to fumble at some point, to varying degrees.

Sorry this is so long. And I'm also sorry that you've never received the love and support you desperately needed. ❤

 

[NoParanoia]

sometimes it really just feels like we were doomed to suffer from the beginning, huh? i was thinking back to how i got here, and i realised that my fate was already sealed from the start

i was born as an autistic child to parents who were far from equipped to handle one (and definitely didn't want to). after getting my diagnosis, my parents not only decided to not disclose it to me (and still have not), but also ridiculed me for my autistic traits that i wasn't able to control. before i accidentally found out about my diagnosis, i was genuinely convinced i was subhuman. the years of emotional, verbal, (possibly sexual as my memories may be repressed) and physical abuse from my parents have likely given me c-ptsd too.

i was also born into a country with one of the most competitive educational systems. somehow stumbled my way into good schools because i was a "gifted child" but constantly being surpassed by my over-achieving neurotypical peers just tanked my self-esteem and motivation. the ridiculous expectations from my parents also did not help, i never received any actual validation from them despite achieving things i was proud of and was instead constantly berated for not doing enough. as if surviving in this fucked up world wasn't already enough!

i didn't have many friends in school because people constantly sensed something was "wrong" with me and just avoided me, plus my parents never let me out of the house besides to go to school so i wasn't able to hang out with anyone. the few people i know are unable to truly empathise with my suffering. i'm struggling in college now because i don't have friends to discuss work with, and i've run out of energy to keep up with work.

so i am now lying here in bed after a sleepless night, being fatigued but unable to do anything about it. my finals for a class i've been flunking are tomorrow and i am likely to fail. i genuinely hate the situation i'm in, slowly losing what's left of my dignity; so much has been taken from me ever since the beginning, it feels like a cruel joke. but it's alright, because i know my SN is arriving soon :-)

(and i hope my parents rot in hell for all they have done is to take from me ever since i was born)

My parents emotionally damaged me to the point where I developed a personality disorder. I have crying breakdowns at the sight of my father or the sound of his voice. In another life I may have had a chance, but like this I don't think so. My parents were both victims of severe abuse and unfortunately didn't sort out their own baggage before forcing me into the world.

 

[freonix]

I was born the wrong sex so i was doomed since the beginning.

i'm so sorry, the world is really so cruel to transgender people. seeing all the bills being passed in the us right now makes me so sick

I don't think that we are doomed from the beginning. It's just the people around us that had so much influence on how we will end up. Ctb. If we were born alone we would've had the same way of thinking?

that's fair, i guess if i weren't surrounded by unempathetic people, and my parents somehow become self-aware and started supporting me better, maybe i wouldn't have ended up like this :/

I generally only connect with other neurodivergent people as well. I have adhd, which isn't the same as autism, I know; but there is a great deal of overlap in the symptoms of autism + adhd. Still, I'm not suggesting I know the full scope of your experience or what it feels like to live in your mind day in and day out.

Thing is, I'm 38, and I was only diagnosed less than a year ago. So I spent my entire life thinking I was normal, that everybody felt the way I did, encountered the same difficulties to the same degree.. and that I just needed to try harder, be better, do better.

But no amount of "trying harder" is going to magically fix a neurodevelopmental disorder; and because I didn't know that my brain was different for over 30 years, I just internalized my shortcomings and grew to despise myself.

Looking back, I've always had a hard time connecting with groups of friends (I do better in one on one situations). As a child and as an adult, I've often been excluded, but I never really understood why...until I was randomely clued into the possibility of my having adhd last year. I spent 5 or 6 months examining my life- past and present- while comparing my experiences to a long list of diagnostic symptoms. It was wild, the epiphanies I had during those months.

Anyway. I think those of us who are atleast genetically fucked from the beginning because of our neurodivergence could have possibly excelled in life, but much of that would have depended on how much love and support we had been provided by our parents/guardians.

Those of us who experienced abusive childhoods in addition to our ND? I'd definitely say we were destined to fumble at some point, to varying degrees.

Sorry this is so long. And I'm also sorry that you've never received the love and support you desperately needed. ❤

hey no need to apologise, i'm glad you could let your thoughts out. and thank you <3

living with adhd (and other neurodivergencies) is pretty tough especially without any support and for such a long time, in a world full of people who just don't understand. somehow NT people can sense that we're different and just exclude us for no good reason. it's so unfair that childhood abuse makes our already difficult lives even harder, and because of our differences we're more predisposed to getting abuse as well... it's like so many of us were just doomed to fail. i'm glad you finally got your diagnosis, and i'm really sorry it came so late and you also never received the kindness you deserved.

(i've also suspected that i have adhd, especially since there's co-morbidity with autism, but there's no way i'm ever going to get the funds to get evaluated anytime soon...)

My parents emotionally damaged me to the point where I developed a personality disorder. I have crying breakdowns at the sight of my father or the sound of his voice. In another life I may have had a chance, but like this I don't think so. My parents were both victims of severe abuse and unfortunately didn't sort out their own baggage before forcing me into the world.

my parents also went through a lot of abuse/trauma and love to remind me about how they had it worse than i do. but somehow they never thought to do anything about it so it's my problem now... i'm so sorry you had to go through what you did.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

i'm so sorry, the world is really so cruel to transgender people. seeing all the bills being passed in the us right now makes me so sick

The bills and what's being passed don't really concern me as I have no interest in transitioning. I already missed out on girlhood, so there's no real point in transitioning.

 

[freonix]

The bills and what's being passed don't really concern me as I have no interest in transitioning. I already missed out on girlhood, so there's no real point in transitioning.

i see, i'm really sorry you weren't given the chance to live that part of your life as you should have

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that in my case I was never meant to exist at all, and of course I've never wished to be here, there's nothing desirable or appealing about this futile process where we are just destined to suffer. Existing is only waiting around to die, and it's a burden to have the ability to exist in this hellish world.