A
Aplev
Member
- Oct 16, 2021
- 81
Hello everyone! How are you? I hope you are all well and safe
I will explain what do I mean with the title of this thread:
Ever since I was a child, I always felt like I was different. But truly different. As time went by, I started a journey of self-knowledge, in an attempt to find out what made me so different from others (although, when I just started the journey, I did it unconsciously, without being aware of the actual reason). And in that journey, I found out that what makes me so different from others is that I feel very sad towards life even though everything's fine out there! I mean, I have an stable job, I am studying, I am very smart (I got a 10/10 average grade in Math when I was in high school and I also managed to approve Discrete Mathematics in the university by studying completely on my own during 2-3 months, where it usually takes at least 1 full year to do so, I can learn almost anything very easily, etc.), I have a good sense of humor, people like me, people mostly only have good opinions about me, I recently moved on to an apartment where I am living on my own and overall, everything's absolutely fine in my life.
However, I feel very sad about myself, and I actually tried to kill myself 2 times before. I still have suicidal thoughts every now and then, but it is mostly a profound sadness that I feel now. And there's no apparent reason for it. There is more to it actually: when I am alone, I like making me suffer. I like thinking that everything's wrong. I see my dirty room, and I feel satisfied. Sometimes, I maliciously smile to myself and I do things that harm me, for the mere pleasure of causing me harm, physical or emotional (mostly emotional though, as I fear physical pain in most cases).
I read from a search in Google that some people experience very similar feelings, and that is actually a mental illness which is called "smiling depression" or "atypical depression".
I still think that what happens to me is something really weird though, as most people feel depressed with a motive, and even if they don't have a motive, they still look sad to others (unlike my situation where I look perfectly happy and full of joy to others, and even to myself when I look at my pictures).
Since there are all kinds of people in this community, I was wondering... is there anyone else who feels this way or, at least, in a similar way? If yes/no (even if you don't feel the same way, I would still appreciate your opinion on this matter!), do you think it would be worth to do something about it?
I will explain what do I mean with the title of this thread:
Ever since I was a child, I always felt like I was different. But truly different. As time went by, I started a journey of self-knowledge, in an attempt to find out what made me so different from others (although, when I just started the journey, I did it unconsciously, without being aware of the actual reason). And in that journey, I found out that what makes me so different from others is that I feel very sad towards life even though everything's fine out there! I mean, I have an stable job, I am studying, I am very smart (I got a 10/10 average grade in Math when I was in high school and I also managed to approve Discrete Mathematics in the university by studying completely on my own during 2-3 months, where it usually takes at least 1 full year to do so, I can learn almost anything very easily, etc.), I have a good sense of humor, people like me, people mostly only have good opinions about me, I recently moved on to an apartment where I am living on my own and overall, everything's absolutely fine in my life.
However, I feel very sad about myself, and I actually tried to kill myself 2 times before. I still have suicidal thoughts every now and then, but it is mostly a profound sadness that I feel now. And there's no apparent reason for it. There is more to it actually: when I am alone, I like making me suffer. I like thinking that everything's wrong. I see my dirty room, and I feel satisfied. Sometimes, I maliciously smile to myself and I do things that harm me, for the mere pleasure of causing me harm, physical or emotional (mostly emotional though, as I fear physical pain in most cases).
I read from a search in Google that some people experience very similar feelings, and that is actually a mental illness which is called "smiling depression" or "atypical depression".
I still think that what happens to me is something really weird though, as most people feel depressed with a motive, and even if they don't have a motive, they still look sad to others (unlike my situation where I look perfectly happy and full of joy to others, and even to myself when I look at my pictures).
Since there are all kinds of people in this community, I was wondering... is there anyone else who feels this way or, at least, in a similar way? If yes/no (even if you don't feel the same way, I would still appreciate your opinion on this matter!), do you think it would be worth to do something about it?