GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
Listen to this whilst reading for the correct mood/feel/atmosphere.
Sometimes it feels like I'm not going to kill myself unless very bad things start to happen. Seems like it's a giant coping mechanism to mentally escape from my shit life. I have 10mm static and access to the woods, recently an intelligent med student on the forum chose this very method. I haven't even gotten the damn thing out of the package, sure I learned the knots and which way is best to do partial but I'm far away from acting like someone that's actually going to ctb. 2400 posts? Come on man.
I have no reason to expect anything will change for the better or the worse within five or even ten years. Am I going to be 33 and in the exact same life situation? 43? My emotional pain, despite being intense enough to be able to shut down my functioning, is still not enough for me to kill myself. And it has been getting more manageable despite not reducing in quantity or quality. Yet I keep thinking and writing that I'm so going to kill myself and how that's so easy for me. If I had a gun, then I would, no question. Or is there? If I haven't even attempted a partial despite having had this rope for a month, could I even shoot myself?
I'm not completely heartless at this point, I would prefer it if my entire family didn't have to deal with my suicide. Waiting until I'm a basement dweller in my 30s would probably reduce the trauma of the whole thing. Then no one would think that: "he had potential", "he was so young", "his life had barely started" (), etc. My siblings would be mature and have good, stable, normie lives and could manage the suicide in a much better way than if I did it now. People would understand that my life was over, that it was not worth living (to them) any longer. They can't relate to feeling that way at 23 since they met their gf at that age, got their degree at that age and started working, moved out of their parents' house at that age, and so on.
Well, I didn't--and I won't.
Once I'm 33 in the basement, with no improvements to this shitfuck except in how many pieces of metal I can put on a bar at the gym, then everyone will be able to share my relief. They'll think "If I was in that situation, if I were that shitty--then I'd also want to die. I'm glad that fella found peace in death, it was cool that he survived all of that loneliness, pain and failure for this long. Rest in piece.".
But I still want to do it, get rid of this entire shebang now. Been like that for five years. Get to leave sooner than later. But maybe I'm just coping.
Shit thread, tbh, but I can't just make jokes and edgy comments without venting once in while.
Sometimes it feels like I'm not going to kill myself unless very bad things start to happen. Seems like it's a giant coping mechanism to mentally escape from my shit life. I have 10mm static and access to the woods, recently an intelligent med student on the forum chose this very method. I haven't even gotten the damn thing out of the package, sure I learned the knots and which way is best to do partial but I'm far away from acting like someone that's actually going to ctb. 2400 posts? Come on man.
I have no reason to expect anything will change for the better or the worse within five or even ten years. Am I going to be 33 and in the exact same life situation? 43? My emotional pain, despite being intense enough to be able to shut down my functioning, is still not enough for me to kill myself. And it has been getting more manageable despite not reducing in quantity or quality. Yet I keep thinking and writing that I'm so going to kill myself and how that's so easy for me. If I had a gun, then I would, no question. Or is there? If I haven't even attempted a partial despite having had this rope for a month, could I even shoot myself?
I'm not completely heartless at this point, I would prefer it if my entire family didn't have to deal with my suicide. Waiting until I'm a basement dweller in my 30s would probably reduce the trauma of the whole thing. Then no one would think that: "he had potential", "he was so young", "his life had barely started" (), etc. My siblings would be mature and have good, stable, normie lives and could manage the suicide in a much better way than if I did it now. People would understand that my life was over, that it was not worth living (to them) any longer. They can't relate to feeling that way at 23 since they met their gf at that age, got their degree at that age and started working, moved out of their parents' house at that age, and so on.
Well, I didn't--and I won't.
Once I'm 33 in the basement, with no improvements to this shitfuck except in how many pieces of metal I can put on a bar at the gym, then everyone will be able to share my relief. They'll think "If I was in that situation, if I were that shitty--then I'd also want to die. I'm glad that fella found peace in death, it was cool that he survived all of that loneliness, pain and failure for this long. Rest in piece.".
But I still want to do it, get rid of this entire shebang now. Been like that for five years. Get to leave sooner than later. But maybe I'm just coping.
Shit thread, tbh, but I can't just make jokes and edgy comments without venting once in while.
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