Discussion anyone else feel like they were meant to be dead already?

[wastingpotential]

most suicidal people i know always say they didn't expect to live past a certain age or even get to its birthday, i feel the same.

like after a certain point / event that occurred in my life, it would feel so harrowing to get past that when i did surpass it, i felt breathless before already being pulled into something new. like my life has lost it's original plot and it keeps filling in the blanks now to keep something going in my life.

but it's always worse than before, like it's waiting for me to finally manage to give up and leave for good. i feel like a tv show that's run longer than intended and no longer makes sense.

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, I feel like I was meant to die a long time ago. I didn't expect to reach 18. I'm 23 now. I always thought that I would have died before reaching adulthood. I never wanted to grow up or become an adult. I always dreaded it. I also never thought that I would have to live out adulthood or post-college life. I always thought that I'd somehow be dead before then. Anyways, I'm a NEET but I just could never see myself entering the workforce or real world or slaving my life away just to survive. It's cucked in my opinion and not something that I want for myself. I'd rather rope than wage. It's not in the future that I envisioned for myself. I also envisioned no future at all

"I saw the years of my life spaced along a road in the form of telephone poles, threaded together by wires. I counted one, two, three...nineteen telephone poles, and then the wires dangled into space, and try as I would, I couldn't see a single pole beyond the nineteenth."

 

[divinemistress36]

My stroke should have killed me 7 years ago

 

[Killua200]

you're doing a great job in opening up about your feelings here. It must be really overwhelming to feel that way, and to then be given more challenges all at once like work or school.
It's important to recognize the resilience you've shown by continuing to move forward, you are strong brother. and this new season of your life is satan in your ear telling you to go to him, show that fucker that everything youve gone through in your life, you still wont submit to his dumbass. hes throwing everything he has at you and you are still fucking standing

good job boss

 

[King Mutt Not Tut]

most suicidal people i know always say they didn't expect to live past a certain age or even get to its birthday, i feel the same.

like after a certain point / event that occurred in my life, it would feel so harrowing to get past that when i did surpass it, i felt breathless before already being pulled into something new. like my life has lost it's original plot and it keeps filling in the blanks now to keep something going in my life.

but it's always worse than before, like it's waiting for me to finally manage to give up and leave for good. i feel like a tv show that's run longer than intended and no longer makes sense.

Because your probably sub 5 and sub 5 men are the most opressed demographic out there

 

[LJ85]

Yes, every day.

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

Yes

 

[Disappointered]

so much, yes. i'm starring in a movie with no audience.

 

[ctbcat]

100%... just gets worse and worse each day i stay and yet i feel trapped here

my life's some sitcom where canned laughs are given at my most hollowest of moments

 

[Kalista]

yes

 

[8livesleft]

I feel like a dead man walking who was just prevented by some random chance and I've been in an airport on layover waiting to catch my plane

 

[Catch-22]

Trigger warning violence

I'm sure I've escaped death not knowing it several times throughout my life. I planned to CBT in 2019 but then covid happened and the world stood still.. being disabled I've had to live a great deal in my life in bed and all of a sudden the world was at a similar pace. So my plan slipped into the background. In retrospect I wish I would have went though with it because since then things have stepped up in bad luck and in and bad health. The method I had because of time and not being stored properly became useless. So I should have been gone in 2019

Looking back many years ago I was at the local sports bar having a cocktail or two and a man came up to the bar and sat next to me. We ended up talking for her several hours. When it came closing time he said that he lived just a couple miles away so I decided I would give him a ride home. Back then things were relatively safer than they are now and I honestly i didn't give two shits about my life or consequences of something happened to me. So off we went to his house where I went in and he showed me some pictures of his family and we talked a little more and I gave him my phone number.. I got in the car and drove about halfway home when I realized I left my leather jacket there so had to drive all the way back to get it. At this point he had went to sleep and his brother answered the door and handed me my jacket.

About a month went by and one day I got a phone call from the County Police Department. They wanted to know what my relationship was with this man. They found my phone number it is wallet with some hearts around my phone number. I explained to the officer that I had met him at a local bar gave him a ride home and my phone number and that was it hadn't heard from them since.

The officer informed me that the man was in prison because apparently he had met a girl at a local bar and I guess they went back to his place and something went terribly wrong.

Her body was found at the local dump.. she had been strangled to death. Many scenarios went through my head on exactly what could have happened but at the end of the day he killed her. I don't know if she had children what age she was or any of those details. Point being IT SHOUD HAVE BEEN ME! I'm sure she must have somebody that loved her somebody that expected her back home the next day. I didn't I didn't have anybody that really gave a shit. I had health problems my whole life and I had no reason to even want to live. Why in the hell was it not me?!

It could have saved me so many years of suffering. I think about it all the time.. it should have been me, it should have been me! And obviously life is not fair and nasty shit happens randomly. I was probably so close to being killed. If I didn't decide that night to leave exactly when I did I could have been the one and I wish I was the one. So when was I supposed to be gone? Many many moons ago!

 

[avalonisburning]

"I've been dead for 35 years. Today is the day I LIVE."

 

[fleetingnight]

You described it so well, I'm shocked. That's exactly how I feel. I almost ctb in 2019, and I think I probably should've. If fate/destiny is real at all, then I was supposed to. Now I feel like a dead man walking.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

most suicidal people i know always say they didn't expect to live past a certain age or even get to its birthday, i feel the same.

like after a certain point / event that occurred in my life, it would feel so harrowing to get past that when i did surpass it, i felt breathless before already being pulled into something new. like my life has lost it's original plot and it keeps filling in the blanks now to keep something going in my life.

but it's always worse than before, like it's waiting for me to finally manage to give up and leave for good. i feel like a tv show that's run longer than intended and no longer makes sense.

Oh yeah, absolutely. After so many failed attempts I constantly feel like I should have been gone already. It makes life seem like a fever dream

 

[Coconut blue]

if id known ahead of time what my life would be like I would've strangled myself with the umbilical cord on my way into this world lmao

 

[Forever Sleep]

I shouldn't even have been born to begin with. According to doctors, it was a 'medical impossibility.' But then, I was so sure I'd die at 40 like my Mum did. I'm so pissed off I didn't. Nature cleary needs a helping hand to speed things up a bit.

 

[set0553]

Should have, and nearly did in august 2018, after I lost my best dog. Somehow ended up adopting a puppy who's now 6 and I couldn't leave her behind now.. I keep saying no more dogs so I can go, somehow keep adopting more, but should have then, and have regretted for not doing so..

 

[lost_ange2211]

Yeah, i feel the same way. Maybe shouldn't even been born.

 

[timetodie24]

Yes, I'm a waste of space and shouldn't be here. I've already lived longer than I should have and being targeted as a result.

 

[SatedImpulse]

after failing to CTB at age 12 to escape abuse, I have felt this way. I am wholeheartedly convinced that at a certain point not everyone will be able to find a sense of belonging on this earth, even if we make-up for our wrongdoings, or spend each day trying to do the right thing, or be the change we want to see in the world.
Regardless, good luck continuing to put yourself out there every day/out of your comfort zone, to experience new things that might breath life into a future worth sticking around for.

 

[todiefor]

Yeah my ex tried pretty hard to ensure I felt the need to die. Also apparently I was never meant to be born as it turns out, what a plot twist lol. So I guess I actually had a reasonable life given the circumstances, stole a few decades from under god's nose

 

[ladidabi]

Absolutely. Ever day I regret making myself go through it

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes of course, I'm certainly only meant for the peace of non-existence, the torturous and futile abomination that is having the ability to exist truly was always so undesirable, I don't belong in this hellish world filled with endless cruelty and torment. I only belong in the ideal state of eternal nothingness where all is finally forgotten about, all I wish for is the eternal absence of all suffering and harm.

More than anything I wish I never existed, I wish I stayed eternally unaware of the evil that is existence, only never existing is perfection to me, I don't deserve something so terrible as being burdened with the ability to exist, ceasing to exist will always be preferable to me than suffering for decades just to be tortured and tormented by old age.

 

[ecliptic]

I think I died twice last night.

 

[Unknown21]

I wasn't supposed to live to be 21 years old. .

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I was supposed to die in 2022 but I had to delay my plans so I spent all of 2023 wandering around with no purpose. In this year I should die for sure or else it will be too late.

 

[wastingpotential]

Should have, and nearly did in august 2018, after I lost my best dog. Somehow ended up adopting a puppy who's now 6 and I couldn't leave her behind now.. I keep saying no more dogs so I can go, somehow keep adopting more, but should have then, and have regretted for not doing so..

it's nowhere my place to speak, but i lived as long as i had for my two cats who died last year, i've been lost since and i feel my time should've been up the moment i got the news.
i tried to leave this earth many times since and it still hasn't worked out.

i won't tell you to not ctb cause of your dogs, or anything of that sort. just that you cherish them since they're already in your life now, you are their whole life while they are only in a fraction of yours.
may as well love the fuck out of them while we're all still breathing right? can't go wrong there.

 

[octopusinu]

yea, I wish I died before I became an adult. I absolutely despise my age and feel disgusted everyday living in an aging, ugly body

 

[Cinnamorolls]

I had a hard time believing I'd get to 30 and that if I did, it must be because things had gotten better and I'd have a stable job, husband, and house. I'm now past that age and have none of those things. It does feel surreal and almost unnatural to still be here.