greyhound
Arcanist
- Oct 8, 2020
- 471
I am relatively mentally healthy. Garden variety depression and anxiety. My reason for CTB is chronic illness.
However I feel like I am going crazy as impending CTB approaches. I think it's a mixture of:
- Feeling like a failure in life, people who don't know I was ill will be like yup, they were a fuckup.
- Feeling like I'm abandoning my parents, brothers, sisters and other loved ones.
- Fear of dying process / SI
- FOMO. I will never get to ski, bike, travel etc again.
- Fear of afterlife / cessation of consciousness. Despite my personal beliefs there is always an element of uncertainty. At the very least it will be a radical transformation to different state of existence.
- Trying to hang on for a bit longer to finish up stuff in my life, despite physical misery.
- Trying to convince people who I have told and having them fight/resist my rationale.
- Not telling other friends who I know will never accept it and try to save me. Feel like I'm betraying them in some way.
The choice element of CTB makes everything so much harder. If I was terminally ill I'd have to confront some of these things but I wouldn't have any other option. I feel like this is the hardest, most agonizing way to die.
However I feel like I am going crazy as impending CTB approaches. I think it's a mixture of:
- Feeling like a failure in life, people who don't know I was ill will be like yup, they were a fuckup.
- Feeling like I'm abandoning my parents, brothers, sisters and other loved ones.
- Fear of dying process / SI
- FOMO. I will never get to ski, bike, travel etc again.
- Fear of afterlife / cessation of consciousness. Despite my personal beliefs there is always an element of uncertainty. At the very least it will be a radical transformation to different state of existence.
- Trying to hang on for a bit longer to finish up stuff in my life, despite physical misery.
- Trying to convince people who I have told and having them fight/resist my rationale.
- Not telling other friends who I know will never accept it and try to save me. Feel like I'm betraying them in some way.
The choice element of CTB makes everything so much harder. If I was terminally ill I'd have to confront some of these things but I wouldn't have any other option. I feel like this is the hardest, most agonizing way to die.