Venting Anyone else feel like a meandering ghost?

[obliviousatbest]

New here, hi. I've been feeling like a meandering ghost since my attempts in my early teens. I dont think I ever accepted that I'm still alive and now have to function as an adult for the rest of my life. I dont have the energy to. Nothing has ever held any real purpose or meaning because I've always assumed 'I'll be dead by age 16 / 20 / 24' endlessly; even if I'm not actively suicidal, my brain still defaults to that years on. I can do things day to day to make me happier but i cant just sit in the forest or by the beach for the rest of my life doing nothing. I have so little energy to think or want for the future. Getting so increasingly dissociated I keep forgetting how old i even am, drowning under hideous brain fog and stale obsessions. Nearly 10 years later I still have recurring dreams about jumping from Beachy Head like I was inches away from doing at 14, and wake up like oshit and the cycle of regret and non-being continues. I cant make myself believe all this is real, I am living, when everything has always felt so far away and abyssal. Just looking for consolation that I'm not the only one aimlessly wandering the earth, wanting for meaning but with no energy, or too much trauma to truly achieve it..

 

[Shadowplay]

No I hear ya - I feel like I'm punching through a fog. Oh man where is my N.?

 

[8evergo]

try to find a partner who does CTB with you

 

[Painless_end]

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you find real peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I feel like I have already died in a way. I just exist. There is nothing here for me in this world, there is no reason to carry on living. There is no point to it all. Nothing will take away the emptiness. I see life as being very tiring. I hope to fall asleep and never wake again. I wish you the best.

 

[Emu]

I feel like I am just existing.. it's a nightmare, I just hate this feeling, it's just being stuck between life and death just a purgatory, I didn't think I'd live past 30 and now I'm 37 and my life is now just painful!
I love beachy head, it's alluring and mesmerising, I thought I knew that lighthouse from somewhere in your picture, if it's not it, it looks very similar

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

I can identify with you. I feel like I died when I was about 14 and all I experienced afterward was a simulation, living like a ghost.

 

[Clarity In Kerosene]

I feel the same, I wished I had done though with my first attempt when I was younger. Nothings changed since the and im still the same piece of shit I was then but now only with a stronger SI and more reasons to ctb because I fucked up my life failing school and getting addicted to shit. Growing up just showed me that things only get worse

 

[bigbeatmanifesto]

My survival instinct is really strong that most of the time I just pray by some miracle I die in my sleep. A lot of young people seem to be having heart attacks recently and when I hear about them I wish it were. Sometimes when playing football my heart starts palpitating like mad and I think to myself 'maybe this is it, maybe my prayers have been answered!'

 

[sleepisanescape]

You took the words out of my mouth. I keep passively wishing for death but taking no steps to do so. Whenever I wake up out of my fog of dissociation and realize I'm alive it sends me into a slow panic. I feel horrified at being alive.

 

[Crimsonghost3]

I have called myself a ghost for at least 10 years I tattooed the word Dead on top of the line across my wrist. Time doesn't pass normally for me my memory of things seem to be like oh this happened last year only to be told like no that was like 3 years ago. There is nobody that stays in my life I can go months without talking to anyone but myself nobody sees me because I almost never leave the house anymore. So many things don't seem real and I have strong bouts of Deja Vu. Maybe it shows how bad my mental has gotten in the past few years but im convinced things happened in my life that my brain clearly blocked. I live with not actually knowing if im really alive and this isn't some fever dream or coma from an attempt. I don't exist in the world.

 

[Elegy]

I've been a ghost for the past 10 years too. Frankly I should have died the same day my best friend died in the home we shared. 2011. And I almost did die that day. For reasons I can't go into here, without risking revealing my identity. And often I wish that I had died that day. But no. I am cursed to live on and on forever it seems, with the memory of that traumatic tragedy eternally stuck in my head.

 

[Rational man]

I think this phenomenon is not unusual. It is very common trait in my family including me and so many neighbours where i live are isolated. I've always felt at odds with this world. I would say NO just to be bloody- minded. I was argumentative, would side with the under dog and defend victims of bullies. My feeling is detachment from people which is getting stronger now. And yet im okay with this. Lots of people experience Deja Vu. I do. But to be honest, most people are not worth connecting with anyway. Ive only ever had a few good people so far in my life. But surely better than a dozen people who dont know me. Be kind to YOU. You dont deserve self- judgement.❤

 

[art]

I feel you.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes, a phantom existence. I can see the world going on outside my window. But here I am inside. A pointless organism. The narrative of my life which I once imagined to be of some importance- A story I could tell people about who I was and where I come from and where I was going… Now utterly disintegrated. I'm 54 but might as well be 94. I don't think any human being could articulate in a compelling fashion How on earth I could proceed into the future. If I were suddenly inspired to make the world a better place in someway, sure. But I'm not.

 

[bigbeatmanifesto]

You took the words out of my mouth. I keep passively wishing for death but taking no steps to do so. Whenever I wake up out of my fog of dissociation and realize I'm alive it sends me into a slow panic. I feel horrified at being alive.

I'm so sorry to hear that dude :( Sending love your way.

 

[sleepisanescape]

I'm so sorry to hear that dude :( Sending love your way.

Thank you, that's really kind of you.

 

[stellabelle]

Absolutely. People just lie and talk about me instead of to me and then wonder why the fuck I don't like them. Wonder why the fuck I don't like me. How many times would a person have to repeat themselves before they go insane?
Stop.
Please stop.
Go away.
Leave me alone.
I want to go to sleep.
No.
I don't want to live with you.
I have bills to pay.
I have taxes.
You're stupid.
Go away.
Fuck you.
Yeah. All of it. I'm just invisible.
I just hate the world and everyone in it. They're all sooooooo perfect and sooooooo happy and soooooo much better than I am, right?
Ha…haha….hahahahaha…. Suicide would've been the best thing at 12, 14, 16, 19, 22, 23, 24, 26, 27, 28. Those evil fucking people.

Oh we're here to "help" says bullshit crisis lines, bullshit cops. Just laugh when they bite the fucking dust. They help no one. They just stand around and try to "look cool". They aren't fuckin cool. They are dishonest, they are fucking rude, they create more problems than you can solve, and then laugh in your face when you finally commit suicide.

 

[Ness]

I really relate to this, I always thought I'd be dead long before now so I never really made future plans for things I actually wanted. I always went like "oh I liked this and that once so I guess that's what I'll become" to anyone who asked because I couldn't be bothered to think of anything real that I could do and would want to do. I've been slowly walking the path people expect of me and wondering when the bus is going to hit me.

 

[cambrai33]

Yes this me to an extent.

I feel like I am looking in on myself as a third person. I walk around not wanting to make eye contact with anyone, just numb to those normal lives that everyone has around me.

I have lost all emotion and can't feel anything just that feeling of loss, losing the person that I was once, I cant remember normal me anymore, that has profoundly affected me, not thinking that person will ever exist again and all I am is this empty void shell of a person.

ctb isn't an escape for me, it's just the inevitable destination I now face