Anybody else's friends know you're suicidal?

[LakeMungoGirl]

I have a best friend named Sarah who knows about my major depression and suicidality. We've been friends for about six years at this point-- met in the same "treatment" center that, ironically, is at fault for my current condition, as well as my parents who sent me there multiple times and ignored my pleas not to and to instead seek alternative treatment. She intimately understands why I'm suicidal, and doesn't blame me for feeling this way. I've tried discussing with her multiple times about how I'm planning on killing myself soon, and while it upsets her, I doubt she would ever report me as she respects my autonomy and knows being hospitalized would only prolong my suffering. She has never invalidated my feelings, and I'm incredibly thankful I have someone like her in my life who I trust deeply enough to discuss these poignant topics with without restriction.

If I were standing at the edge of a bridge right now preparing to let myself fall, I have a feeling she would let me go. Not because she doesn't care about me, but because she cares about me so much that she knows, despite how terribly it may hurt her, the best thing for me, is to let me go. And while I wish I could stay for her, I know it's just not possible. My suicide is inevitable.

I guess I'm interested if anybody else on this forum has someone in their life-- online or in-person-- they can talk to about their true feelings around suicide, and if so, how has this impacted your relationship with them? Do you plan on doing anything special with them before you die?

 

[thegreatminderaser]

lake mungo is a fantastic movie

i have in some ways. i'm open about my suicidality usuay, but i tend to hide it when it's too difficult for my friends to handle, or i worry about being hospitalized. when the thoughts start i'll say something, when i start planning i don't.

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

lake mungo is a fantastic movie

I actually feel like a fraud because I haven't watched it yet-- only read the synopsis online and felt an instant connection with it, though I'm planning on watching it for the first time tonight. Let's hope I don't regret my username, lol.

i have in some ways. i'm open about my suicidality usuay, but i tend to hide it when it's too difficult for my friends to handle, or i worry about being hospitalized. when the thoughts start i'll say something, when i start planning i don't.

That makes sense. I understand wanting to shield your friends from your grief as to not inadvertently pass it on, although I'm sorry it's something you have to worry about in the first place.

 

[unendingempty]

Only one of my friends knows I'm suicidal, though my other friends know that I've struggled with suicidal ideation in the past. Honestly, her response was really invalidating. She basically told me that because she was able to overcome her suicidal thoughts I can too because I'm "strong" like she is. I don't feel strong, I feel burnt out, pathetic and weak. If I was actually strong I either would have managed to improve me life so that it's actually worth living, or actually worked up the guts to kill myself.

 

[thegreatminderaser]

I actually feel like a fraud because I haven't watched it yet-- only read the synopsis online and felt an instant connection with it, though I'm planning on watching it for the first time tonight. Let's hope I don't regret my username, lol.

That makes sense. I understand wanting to shield your friends from your grief as to not inadvertently pass it on, although I'm sorry it's something you have to worry about in the first place.

i don't think you will, it's a goodie. very unsettling and ominous, good horror vibes.

i appreciate your sympathy - it's something i've dealt with for a long time. in a previous relationship whenever i talked about suicidality he would blame himself and shut down and i'd end up having to comfort him, it's a learned behaviour to hide how i feel. i'm getting better at it slowly

 

[Pale_Rider]

The answer is no. I could beat myself up, and tell myself it's because of me. The truth is I'm seriously mentally ill. But we are pretty good at keeping the extent of that to ourselves.

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

Only one of my friends knows I'm suicidal, though my other friends know that I've struggled with suicidal ideation in the past. Honestly, her response was really invalidating. She basically told me that because she was able to overcome her suicidal thoughts I can too because I'm "strong" like she is. I don't feel strong, I feel burnt out, pathetic and weak. If I was actually strong I either would have managed to improve me life so that it's actually worth living, or actually worked up the guts to kill myself.

I'm so sorry you had a bad experience with your friend. I've met similar people who've done the same, and I understand how incredibly invalidating it can be. I truly believe some people are incapable of realizing the depth of suffering you can experience if pushed too far, as their lives have likely been much more comfortable than ours, making it harder for them to empathize. Which isn't an excuse, just a theory.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I have a best friend named Sarah who knows about my major depression and suicidality. We've been friends for about six years at this point-- met in the same "treatment" center that, ironically, is at fault for my current condition, as well as my parents who sent me there multiple times and ignored my pleas not to and to instead seek alternative treatment. She intimately understands why I'm suicidal, and doesn't blame me for feeling this way. I've tried discussing with her multiple times about how I'm planning on killing myself soon, and while it upsets her, I doubt she would ever report me as she respects my autonomy and knows being hospitalized would only prolong my suffering. She has never invalidated my feelings, and I'm incredibly thankful I have someone like her in my life who I trust deeply enough to discuss these poignant topics with without restriction.

If I were standing at the edge of a bridge right now preparing to let myself fall, I have a feeling she would let me go. Not because she doesn't care about me, but because she cares about me so much that she knows, despite how terribly it may hurt her, the best thing for me, is to let me go. And while I wish I could stay for her, I know it's just not possible. My suicide is inevitable.

I guess I'm interested if anybody else on this forum has someone in their life-- online or in-person-- they can talk to about their true feelings around suicide, and if so, how has this impacted your relationship with them? Do you plan on doing anything special with them before you die?

I'm so glad you have a friend like that. That really is a gift.

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

I'm so glad you have a friend like that. That really is a gift.

Thank you. I hope she knows how special she is to me, even if I'm not entirely capable of expressing it. I want to do something special for her before I die.

 

[gunmetalblue11]

I have 2 IRL friendships from people I grew up with. I barely have any contact with them nowadays. When I needed help one dipped, the other gave me scraps undeserving of even a dog. They know my past so my struggles, I guess if I fully opened up to either one they would feign care and get me hospitalised to not have bad conscious.
On here I talk with people openly about suicide. It's comforting to just be understood without judgement or back handed advice in attempt to push you to into recovery, when you aren't obviously seeking that type of reassurance.

Hope you find a safe space for yourself to be open. And your friend is a keeper.
I wish you find the peace you deserve.

 

[like_a_bird]

I have a best friend named Sarah who knows about my major depression and suicidality. We've been friends for about six years at this point-- met in the same "treatment" center that, ironically, is at fault for my current condition, as well as my parents who sent me there multiple times and ignored my pleas not to and to instead seek alternative treatment. She intimately understands why I'm suicidal, and doesn't blame me for feeling this way. I've tried discussing with her multiple times about how I'm planning on killing myself soon, and while it upsets her, I doubt she would ever report me as she respects my autonomy and knows being hospitalized would only prolong my suffering. She has never invalidated my feelings, and I'm incredibly thankful I have someone like her in my life who I trust deeply enough to discuss these poignant topics with without restriction.

If I were standing at the edge of a bridge right now preparing to let myself fall, I have a feeling she would let me go. Not because she doesn't care about me, but because she cares about me so much that she knows, despite how terribly it may hurt her, the best thing for me, is to let me go. And while I wish I could stay for her, I know it's just not possible. My suicide is inevitable.

I guess I'm interested if anybody else on this forum has someone in their life-- online or in-person-- they can talk to about their true feelings around suicide, and if so, how has this impacted your relationship with them? Do you plan on doing anything special with them before you die?

Sarah sounds like a treasure.

No such friends for me but I am lucky to have my brother for this. He feels similarly for similar reasons. Ironically, I think just having the one relationship where I am not pressured to hide my despair has kept me around longer.