Venting Anybody else stuck in an endless cycle?

[Promortalist_]

I tried to ctb few times already but my SI get in the way. I start crying or having an anxiety attack or both when I am about to do it. Thought of leaving my family behind seems unbearable no matter how much I prepared myself mentally. Then I somehow convince myself that my situation isn't so bad, I don't have to go. I can seek help or try other antidepressants. I feel this intense motivation to finish college and get a job. Once I stop ctb'ing, I feel a sense of relief. Few hours later the motivation goes away, the suicidal thoughts come back, I try again and the cycle continues!!!! I am stuck in this place for few years now unable to move forward with living or ctb'ing.

I HATE BEING SO INDECISIVE!!!!

 

[SuicidalAgain]

The same thing happens to me, suicidal thoughts > small glimmer of hope > want for recovery > something bad happens > suicidal thoughts again

 

[Pure]

wow, i've been through/going through the exact same situation, pm me if you want to know how i've been coping and my future plans

 

[logan]

I can well understand that.

I think a lot accumulates emotionally and mentally. And the whole thing is then discharged by the attempt and the SI.

And that is then a cycle and very frustrating - like a mental roller coaster ride.

 

[Dear Agony]

Same, I feel so so horrible for what I will do to my mom... but I know realistically that can't be the only reason someone keeps themselves alive...

 

[FuneralCry]

I do feel trapped, as I have been suicidal for a long time. Yet I feel held back when it comes to ctb, as I am worried about failing an attempt and the SI makes it difficult, as us humans are programmed to survive. Over the years there has been times when I have felt better, but now everything is pretty much hopeless. It is tiring.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Yep, Every day a repeat of the last, Groundhog Day in Real Time, 7 days a week 365 days a year, it's existing on Autopilot! I just want my Nightmare to end!

 

[logan]

Yep, Every day a repeat of the last, Groundhog Day in Real Time, 7 days a week 365 days a year, it's existing on Autopilot! I just want my Nightmare to end!

But if you recognize it that way - why don't you break this vicious circle?

 

[LONE WOLF.]

But if you recognize it that way - why don't you break this vicious circle?

Because to break the cycle l need atonement,To get atonement l need to be forgiven,The only person who can forgive me is dead! Therefore what l need cannot be acquired! Thus l am stuck in Emotional Hell!!!

 

[logan]

Because to break the cycle l need atonement,To get atonement l need to be forgiven,The only person who can forgive me is dead! Therefore what l need cannot be acquired! Thus l am stuck in Emotional Hell!!!

Don't you think that this person wouldn't forgive you if they weren't there?
Or at the latest when she died?
Maybe you can forgive yourself too.

 

[Taki]

We should never criticize anyone for backing away. The despair and endless cycle are probably about the hopelessness and emptiness you feel, not your unwillingness to follow through. I understand that, in the hours after aborting the attempt, you may find yourself back in the same life you hated, but that doesn't mean it can't change.

 

[GreenMile]

Yes, that's pretty much my day, SI laughing at me followed by intense crying, it's exhausting

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Don't you think that this person wouldn't forgive you if they weren't there?
Or at the latest when she died?
Maybe you can forgive yourself too.

The person concerned was alive for 30+ years and refused to communicate with me before he died! The hardest part to deal with is the last time l saw him in 1992, the last thing l heard him say whilst stood on the doorstep of the farmhouse was 'I hope to see you again'??? But then consistently refused to allow me to go home! I'm Emotionally stuck in 1992 and am unable to move on! Life is So unfair!!!

 

[CoolGuy9]

Painfully relatable. Until recently, everytime I have hanged from a rope, I have always gained an immense appreciation for life. It was only until recently when feeling the rope around my neck didn't make me feel that. Sometimes ctb thoughts made me even feel euphoric which is new.

I think with my new pains, excitement over death and better methods, I'll finally be able to ctb soon.

 

[haibiantou]

Same, I feel so so horrible for what I will do to my mom... but I know realistically that can't be the only reason someone keeps themselves alive...

yes... so difficult knowing that others will be sad and yet you can only keep living for others for so long

 

[Dot]

yes... so difficult knowing that others will be sad and yet you can only keep living for others for so long

Cruellest thing re M.H. is that to others leaving is made to look like choice, unlike other illnesses.

 

[meetapple]

Yes, I am in a cycle and it infuriates me. Like, how long do you have to have the same thing repeating to realize things won't change.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yes, I am in a cycle and it infuriates me. Like, how long do you have to have the same thing repeating to realize things won't change.

For some reason I subconsciously hold on to the delusion that the future will be better than the evidence can possibly justify. I just chalk it up to my SI playing tricks with my mind.

Being at war with your own mind is pure agony and torment. It is sadistic to force people to live against their will.

 

[noxin]

Yes, I'm currently stuck in this cycle too and I hate it. I know things won't get better and yet I'll always have that glimmer of hope.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yes, I'm currently stuck in this cycle too and I hate it. I know things won't get better and yet I'll always have that glimmer of hope.

It must be some kind of evolutionary survival mechanism. I think after a certain point you kind of know your life's general trajectory. Despite this it is still very difficult to ctb.

All logic and rationality flies out the window when SI kicks in.

 

[noxin]

It must be some kind of evolutionary survival mechanism. I think after a certain point you kind of know your life's general trajectory. Despite this it is still very difficult to ctb.

All logic and rationality flies out the window when SI kicks in.

SI truly is a bastard of the highest order. It's frustrating knowing it's getting in the way and having to struggle to fight it.

Offtopic but I love your DP. Snorlax is a mood and that episode was great fun. Had me craving fruit sandwiches for no good reason.

 

[Dot]

Urge get stronger then when take steps towards, vanishes again.