Venting Any people with BPD having an absolute mare of it at the moment?

[exhausted]

Reaching out to my BPD brethren/sistren, because you know that unique flavour of agony. I perceived an abandonment last night. It's been years since I have felt abandoned, I keep myself to myself to prevent this, but I accidentally got attached to someone who doesn't feel the same anddddddd sure enough, it's a fate worse than death like always. Hello darkness, my old friend. HA.

To say I hit the bottle was an understatement. You name it, I drank it. I rarely drink anymore, so guess who's a lightweight now? I pretty much blacked out eventually. I woke up this morning feeling like death and unfortunately, I often hallucinate in crisis, so I started tripping balls as well and also couldn't speak/walk properly. I tried to hide what was happening, so kept lying on the floor in the bathroom. Luckily I was with my sisters, who noticed something was wrong, they nursed me back to life today (mainly me just sobbing on a bed while they stroked me and brought me tea). I still feel so sick and ill from overdoing it, this disorder is killing me. And then I go online and stumble across a load of stigmatizing stuff about how we're awful, evil psychopaths...brilliant. Loving life today. Loving my flashbacks as usual. Loving the nightmares I had last night too. Just...kill me.

Anyone else winning at life this week too?

 

[charlottewilts]

i'm really sorry that's happened. i know what it feels like. i'm not planning on hanging around much longer so i've cut off pretty much everyone but this was a pretty common occurrence in the past. reached out to a friend to ask for a simple favour, got brushed off. i can't even begin to count the number of favours i've done for her over the years. been drinking every day, or popping pills when i can't afford booze.

just waiting to become a part of the "10% of BPD sufferers end their lives" statistic at this point, man.

 

[Final Escape]

Yes common theme in the life of borderlines. Ending up alone and fucked lol! Constant battle with how u feel that day, will determine what u end up doing or not doing.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I have bpd and I'm going through something similar. I have severe intense fear of abandonment and my ex recently just abandoned me. I didn't drink last night but I definitely took my Xanax to numb my pain. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster. I can't stand the way people with bpb are described online. We are not evil monsters we can't control this and we sure as hell didn't ask to have it! So sorry your going through this I relate all to well to your post.

 

[porfin1234]

I had similar experience but with guys who were open about not wanting anything serious with me. Weird thing is even guys that I didn't really mesh with personality wise but still obsessed and was delusional over them. One I ended up in the hospital over and i barely knew him. It's quite confusing and frustrating.


I am sorry you're having such a hard time. I imagine it's scary having the psychosis layer to it. I hope you are better now. Hugs.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

My BPD is putting me through something tonight, that's for sure. I hooked up with one of my friends Saturday night and we might go on a date, which gives me hope. However, my stupid BPD brain keeps telling me that he just wanted a hook up and that I need to prepare to be abandoned and ignored, when that's not even the type of person he is (at least, I think? IDFK). So I've been riding this roller coaster of hope and depression all night, it's so annoying.

 

[exhausted]

I have bpd and I'm going through something similar. I have severe intense fear of abandonment and my ex recently just abandoned me. I didn't drink last night but I definitely took my Xanax to numb my pain. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster. I can't stand the way people with bpb are described online. We are not evil monsters we can't control this and we sure as hell didn't ask to have it! So sorry your going through this I relate all to well to your post.

Yeah, the dehumanisation of us is a massive trigger for me, sorry to hear your ex did that to you. Wishing you strength.

My BPD is putting me through something tonight, that's for sure. I hooked up with one of my friends Saturday night and we might go on a date, which gives me hope. However, my stupid BPD brain keeps telling me that he just wanted a hook up and that I need to prepare to be abandoned and ignored, when that's not even the type of person he is (at least, I think? IDFK). So I've been riding this roller coaster of hope and depression all night, it's so annoying.

He wants to go on a date after hooking up with you, it's a good sign!

I had similar experience but with guys who were open about not wanting anything serious with me. Weird thing is even guys that I didn't really mesh with personality wise but still obsessed and was delusional over them. One I ended up in the hospital over and i barely knew him. It's quite confusing and frustrating.


I am sorry you're having such a hard time. I imagine it's scary having the psychosis layer to it. I hope you are better now. Hugs.

Yeah, insane how an attachment rapidly forms even if we wouldn't naturally like this person. Fear of abandonment's a hell of a drug! Yeah, sadly psychosis has never been diagnosed, despite me telling psychs about it since I was 14. I am 24 now, haha. Fml.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

He wants to go on a date after hooking up with you, it's a good sign!

Thanks! I needed to hear that. I'm not very confident when it comes to dating.

 

[exhausted]

Thanks! I needed to hear that. I'm not very confident when it comes to dating.

Me neither, I always get abusers. I have not dated for years, I am working up the nerve to just go for it and identify as a lesbian. I am bi, so...at least there's an option there.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Me neither, I always get abusers. I have not dated for years, I am working up the nerve to just go for it and identify as a lesbian. I am bi, so...at least there's an option there.

I feel you there, I do too. Hug. (Well, there's been three good ones but my illnesses destroyed those relationships). I thought I had finally found someone who was healthy for me when it turned out that she was just using me. Now I'm super gun shy about it all. I was going to try to find another girl to date because I prefer women, but that's harder to do in my area. So yeah, I'm hoping this works out with this guy because otherwise I'm done for a while. It's hard to date when you're mentally ill and suicidal anyway.