Any other loners like me?

[forgettenloner]

Hello.

I am a Canadian university student. I am more or less full on avoided/ostracized by my peers here and am in my final year to but it succinctly and bluntly.
This was my definining moment in life, and i spent it alone and it took my "curiousness" to a deep, deep seeded desire. I want to off myself.

Do you guys have friends? partners?

I am as loner as it gets. 0 friends IRL. I used to be out going with more "friends", but, here i am lol.

What about yall?

 

[BPD Barbie]

I cut most of my friends and family off as I felt its easier for them when I die. Also, sometimes, talking to people feels overwhelming when I can't process my own thoughts and emotions, so I feel often it's better for me to be alone. When I do communicate, it's on my terms and when I feel like I am able to. This place has helped me feel less alone though.

 

[forgettenloner]

I cut most of my friends and family off as I felt its easier for them when I die. Also, sometimes, talking to people feels overwhelming when I can't process my own thoughts and emotions, so I feel often it's better for me to be alone. When I do communicate, it's on my terms and when I feel like I am able to. This place has helped me feel less alone though.

I am hoping to gain similiar companionship being on here. I cut all mine off too, but more-so because I was their 'punching bag'.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I seem to change too much people don't understand I feel so alone i talk with my mother and a very odd time with my neighbour but I have to act in front of her try be normal but I can't do it it's so hard and it exhausts me.... I've really distanced my self from her... I don't want talk to anyone but yet I am so lonely... Only here can I mostly be myself but at the same time i am still hiding and pretending from my true self. . I just want to be free!

 

[CynicalHopelessness]

My native language, and what most people around me speak, is Russian. Have okay English and been browsing mostly Eng. segments of the net since forever. My work (from home, with 1 other person) communication is in English too. Recently I realized my inner monologue now too mostly runs in English, and I probably even to speak anything nontrivial in Russian (more complex then "hello-I'm ok-goodbye") like once in one or two weeks.

I have two people whom I can trust, but I can't relate to them much - they have a life, I don't. And they don't understand what being suicidal is like. Only one of them is somebody I can hang out with offline.

I tried about a year ago, when my depression was less severe, to find at least good acquaintances, but I just can't find anybody I could connect with. And it always had to be me to initiate any kind of contact - once I stop pushing, the person just vanishes.

It doesn't help that it feels like a crushing void inside, to have nobody to share your thoughts with. I'm really happy I've found this place, even though I'm so shy it's hard for me to click that "post reply" button.

 

[forgettenloner]

My native language, and what most people around me speak, is Russian. Have okay English and been browsing mostly Eng. segments of the net since forever. My work (from home, with 1 other person) communication is in English too. Recently I realized my inner monologue now too mostly runs in English, and I probably even to speak anything nontrivial in Russian (more complex then "hello-I'm ok-goodbye") like once in one or two weeks.

I have two people whom I can trust, but I can't relate to them much - they have a life, I don't. And they don't understand what being suicidal is like. Only one of them is somebody I can hang out with offline.

I tried about a year ago, when my depression was less severe, to find at least good acquaintances, but I just can't find anybody I could connect with. And it always had to be me to initiate any kind of contact - once I stop pushing, the person just vanishes.

It doesn't help that it feels like a crushing void inside, to have nobody to share your thoughts with. I'm really happy I've found this place, even though I'm so shy it's hard for me to click that "post reply" button.

Literally me. Every single person in my life can be described like this:
They are like a school of fish. From my perspective, they are all just like eachother. As long as am I am not too much of a nuisance, they do their thing around me.

the moment I try to reach out to them, however, like a school of fish, they are suddenly not there anymore. They are still a school, forming their own bonds and what-not. However I realized I am not cut out to be "one of them", and , at 25 years of age, I realized, I will never truly be accepted. I accepted that reality already, but, I hope I can find a single person that might give me something worth living for. I don't have much hope left, but thats all i can hope for at this point. Nothing else. I cant hope for "friends", a thriving social life, love. that boats already sailed for me. I can just hope for one, single, valuable connection at this point

 

[CynicalHopelessness]

I can just hope for one, single, valuable connection at this point

I don't even hope for one anymore. Before I found this forum I didn't even knew I could feel accepted.

 

[Nemeshisu]

Well, I may seem like I have some ,,friends" IRL but....actually I wouldn't really consider them my friends. They may kinda like me but I would just consider them casual acquaintances. We talk from time to time but we do not really hang out together or anything.

I isolated myself from most people anyway due to my decision to CTB and most people avoid me. There are like only 3 or 4 people that talk to me in real life. I prefer to be alone as I am no longer able to talk to people because I am always thinking about something else when I am outside and I find it difficult to think about something to talk about. I'm mostly quiet.

I feel more like a ghost amongst living people and that most people who know me won't be very suprised if I commit suicide.

But since I found SS, I don't feel so alone as before. I now kinda enjoy my loneliness because I feel more at peace with death when I am away from people who have normal lives.

 

[forgettenloner]

I don't even hope for one anymore. Before I found this forum I didn't even knew I could feel accepted.

When I reach that point, I think I will kill myself.

 

[Hexen]

Yes, I am alone too. I cut some people off because they were toxic even though they portray that as me being an asshole which is not true. My advice is to try to find some strength in being a lone wolf. Learn useful skills that could be of use to you like cooking, repairing, exercise and build strength or something that is interesting to you and focus on that otherwise boredom and loneliness are terrible when paired up.

 

[forgettenloner]

Yes, I am alone too. I cut some people off because they were toxic even though they portray that as me being an asshole which is not true. My advice is to try to find some strength in being a lone wolf. Learn useful skills that could be of use to you like cooking, repairing, exercise and build strength or something that is interesting to you and focus on that otherwise boredom and loneliness are terrible when paired up.

I don't see a point in it man. Other people were what made my life worth living, if I am to be resigned to be a lone wolf for my entire youth due to... what i assume is my physical appearance - i'd rather off myself than live amongst the people who want nothing to do with me.
IMO Ostracism is society hint hint nudge nudging you to off yourself

 

[waterbottleman]

I don't know why our culture has this cliche that college is the best time of your life. It just isn't true for a lot, arguably most people.

i forgot the statistic, but I remember hearing on the news somewhere that 40 or 60 percent of college students struggle with intense anxiety, depression, and/or suicidal ideation.

I was only happy during my first year of college, the rest of the time it sucked and was stressful. I felt a lot better when I graduated and got a job. it wasn't a high paying job or anything, but I was happy that I got a white collar job. Also no longer having to worry about exams was a huge relief. I absolutely hated exams cause at the university I ended each course only had 2 or 3 exams at most and each were worth 40 percent or so of your grade. So if you bombed on one exam you were fucked. So every time midterms and finals came rolling around it felt like you were at the edge of a cliff, every time.

So glad I don't have to do that shit anymore. I'd go to graduate school and get a masters if it werent for exams, but I honestly don't know if I am willing to put myself through that again.

oh yeah also I was a loner in college (and still am now) but I genuinely didn't mind being a loner when I was in college, I think I was too busy and focused on my grades to really care. Now however I do care about the fact that I'm a loner and dislike it.

 

[CynicalHopelessness]

@waterbottleman sounds like me. Our system is a bit different (no grade percents, you bombed one exam, you're screwed, but you have one second chance per exam session), but describes my experience word for word.

 

[Hexen]

I don't see a point in it, man. Other people were what made my life worth living, if I am to be resigned to be a lone wolf for my entire youth due to... what i assume is my physical appearance - i'd rather off myself than live amongst the people who want nothing to do with me.
IMO Ostracism is society hint hint nudge nudging you to off yourself

Well yes, It is one of the reasons I consider killing myself because I can't find a meaningful connection with someone, mutual respect or whatever. But right now with the remaining time, it is better to be yourself and not pretend like those friends give a damn about you or to pretend that there is some good energy in that "friendship". I don't enjoy gossiping people, acting high and mighty, patronizing others, chasing social status and so it is better for me to be alone than to be in that environment. I am not suggesting this approach but this is my situation currently, can't do much about it right now. I don't know about you or your situation so I don't feel like I can comment on that but I doubt it has anything with your physical appearance. What I can advise is what I mentioned previously. If you can't change that state right now then focus on yourself and try to find strength in that in the meantime. For example, if you feel like you were a doormat for your friends, then build your body to be strong, this will make people look at you in a different way in the future. You will be more intimidating and people won't try to fuck with you.

 

[FreedomInDeath]

Yes I am alone as well. Mostly because I am too afraid to speak to anyone. People do make fun of me sometimes. I also get overwhelming feelings of hatred towards humans at times. It will be nice to not exist when my savior gets here.