juniforest
New Member
- Apr 3, 2026
- 1
Every single day I make a new plan, I multitask whatever I'm doing with thinking about how I'm going to CTB that night. It's honestly starting to impact my performance at work, I get so distracted that I fall behind or forget what I'm doing. For the past 4 months I have thought to myself that today is my last day and I am so exhausted. I even went as far as to buy and stockpile a collection of different pills to take, so at this point it's a matter of when I'll stop chickening out.
If you asked me if I want to be alive right now I would say no. The only thing keeping me alive is the guilt of knowing if I didn't go missing before I CTB then my girlfriend would come home and find me. My mother has found my body before and I don't know if I can put her or anyone else through that again. But at the same time, the longer time goes on the less I care. If I was dead why would I care?
I think I'm scared of surviving. I have survived attempts twice before and both times brought up more issues and I was even more stressed and suicidal than before I attempted. That's probably why I'm so hesitant, I know that if I survive it will make my life even worse. I can't imagine my girlfriend, friends or family would be very happy with me either.
I hate that I can't just get it over with. I got so close to doing it last night and I fell asleep instead. I don't know how to tell my girlfriend or family that I've been feeling this way, or if I should because then it would make it harder for me to try. If I wait for the holiday to finish and do it the next time she has a closing shift I should be in the clear, right? She can go to bed thinking I'm asleep, or I can drive somewhere secluded that nobody would check and CTB without worrying about being found immediately.
Decisions……
If you asked me if I want to be alive right now I would say no. The only thing keeping me alive is the guilt of knowing if I didn't go missing before I CTB then my girlfriend would come home and find me. My mother has found my body before and I don't know if I can put her or anyone else through that again. But at the same time, the longer time goes on the less I care. If I was dead why would I care?
I think I'm scared of surviving. I have survived attempts twice before and both times brought up more issues and I was even more stressed and suicidal than before I attempted. That's probably why I'm so hesitant, I know that if I survive it will make my life even worse. I can't imagine my girlfriend, friends or family would be very happy with me either.
I hate that I can't just get it over with. I got so close to doing it last night and I fell asleep instead. I don't know how to tell my girlfriend or family that I've been feeling this way, or if I should because then it would make it harder for me to try. If I wait for the holiday to finish and do it the next time she has a closing shift I should be in the clear, right? She can go to bed thinking I'm asleep, or I can drive somewhere secluded that nobody would check and CTB without worrying about being found immediately.
Decisions……
