Venting anxiety of waiting

[sincerelysad]

i've spent a lot of time here and in general thinking about what method is best for me and i believe i've settled on SN. it's cheaper than most, most easily accessible (in the future i assume, which brings me to the point of this post..), and seems the most peaceful for the amount of time and money i am/will be able to spend on ctb.

the issue im struggling with is waiting for the moment in time where the product is accessible, i have enough time and privacy, and im emotionally ready. a lot of stars have to align there for me to be able to follow through and it's causing me a mass amount of grief and anxiety.

i wish i was able to privately make my own decisions and save my own money. my partner has been difficult and abusive (not physically) but i really do think he's been trying lately and the idea that i'm just pretending to be happy and pretending to be comfortable while i wait for my golden opportunity to start prepping to ctb is making me feel so gross inside.

there's no winning. with suicide and depression and all of this shit there's no winner and there's no loser. there's just waiting and then there's heartbreak. i wish it didn't have to be this way. i wish i could find my own peace. i wish things were different.

but they're not, and they won't be. they won't get better. i've watched everyone around me get worse, become unhappier, and long for something they can't describe. i know what i long for, and it's to be free of all of this. i can't do it anymore.

and so i wait. i twiddle my thumbs and i go through the motions and i avoid homelessness, because god forbid i become homeless before acquiring a way out, god forbid that happens, and i wait. i wait for my chance to die. and i feel like shit about it.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I hear you.

Do you mean that you feel guilty lying to your partner and putting up a facade while he is trying to be better with you? If so that raises the question: if you were honest with him would be or try to be empathetic and understanding? Besides, getting in the way of you having financial independence seems hard to compensate for.

 

[theboy]

paz!

 

[sincerelysad]

I hear you.

Do you mean that you feel guilty lying to your partner and putting up a facade while he is trying to be better with you? If so that raises the question: if you were honest with him would be or try to be empathetic and understanding? Besides, getting in the way of you having financial independence seems hard to compensate for.

yes, i do feel guilty. he puts me through a lot of emotional whiplash with his abuse and very often goes back and forth between an attentive and loving partner to someone very cold and unkind to me, but when he does treat me kindly i can't help but feel immensely guilty upon doing anything that could hurt him in the slightest.

he knows of my activity on this site and also knows of the SN method but he simply makes jokes about it ://
he is a narcissist and very complicated; oftentimes i don't know if he cares or if he is gathering information to use to hurt me at a later date.

he frequently gets upset with me when i talk about suicide and he has mentioned wanting me to stop talking about it so much. he also has asked me to start masking my autism again as it would make his life easier.

i wish he was compassionate and understanding when it came to my suicidality but he just isn't anymore. he finds that it's a good thing that im not financially dependent or i "would've bought SN and ctb a long time ago".. aka he thinks it's a good thing.

again, not sure if he thinks it's a good thing bc he doesn't want me to die or if it's because he enjoys to torment me. i know it sounds dramatic but im being truthful.

paz!

what does this mean?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

yes, i do feel guilty. he puts me through a lot of emotional whiplash with his abuse and very often goes back and forth between an attentive and loving partner to someone very cold and unkind to me, but when he does treat me kindly i can't help but feel immensely guilty upon doing anything that could hurt him in the slightest.

he knows of my activity on this site and also knows of the SN method but he simply makes jokes about it ://
he is a narcissist and very complicated; oftentimes i don't know if he cares or if he is gathering information to use to hurt me at a later date.

he frequently gets upset with me when i talk about suicide and he has mentioned wanting me to stop talking about it so much. he also has asked me to start masking my autism again as it would make his life easier.

i wish he was compassionate and understanding when it came to my suicidality but he just isn't anymore. he finds that it's a good thing that im not financially dependent or i "would've bought SN and ctb a long time ago".. aka he thinks it's a good thing.

again, not sure if he thinks it's a good thing bc he doesn't want me to die or if it's because he enjoys to torment me. i know it sounds dramatic but im being truthful.

what does this mean?

It seems to me that your guilt is just a function of his manipulation. I get it; abusers can be capable of genuine love and caring but neither of those things negate the abuse.

Asking you to mask again? As someone with ASD (every other person here is one) that's such a shit thing to ask! You deserve to be experienced as you really are, not how others want you to be for their sakes.

"paz" means "peace" in Spanish so I guess they were wishing you peace. Something we all could have a little more of.

 

[sincerelysad]

It seems to me that your guilt is just a function of his manipulation. I get it; abusers can be capable of genuine love and caring but neither of those things negate the abuse.

Asking you to mask again? As someone with ASD (every other person here is one) that's such a shit thing to ask! You deserve to be experienced as you really are, not how others want you to be for their sakes.

"paz" means "peace" in Spanish so I guess they were wishing you peace. Something we all could have a little more of.

thank you for these reminders.. i feel like he is capable of affection and that he does care, but you're right, that doesn't negate the abuse he has put me through.

and yes, he has asked me to mask again and has said frequently that my autism is what makes us incompatible. for a long time he never had an issue with how my autism effected me, but lately it's been a huge cause of stress i guess.

i didn't know that's what paz meant! that's so kind of them. i wish them peace as well.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring and dreadful feeling trapped in that situation and having to wait when you just really wish to be gone. I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you are looking for.