Unfortunately I live in a world and a country (like any other) where taking one's life is (practically) not (really) possible. There is no law that makes suicide illegal in my country. Also the constitutional court ruled it's against the right of self-determination that there is no euthanasia law.
These fact makes me angry and also fuels my anxiety and anger. Sorry, but I do not like society for that fact. For me society and all who actively or passively (by doing nothing against that) are in my eyes criminals like a prison guard who abuses a prison inmate and allows him only to eat puke or dirt.
I know it sounds hard, but that's the pain of how I feel. No right to do want I want with MY OWN BODY. You can tattoo, cut or pierce yourself. Or hurt or cut yourself. But suicide. This is not allowed.
My "exit" plan is developed but it's not realizable in my situation. I can't save the amount of money I need to travel to South America for my "exit" plan. I want to buy there the best medication for my purpose. It would be a nice happy end travel and I got say goodbye in an exiting way. Saying good bye in a nice hotel watching sunset and listening to my favourite songs. Why I am not allowed to be happy like a cat or dog. No one forces them to work or be in a "society".
This exit plan is only possible when I somewhat fix my fatigue that Is stronger this past 2 months. And I need to have a job (25 hours or more). I need the job for money. But I can't work. Because of feeling tired, not being able to find a job. And when I succeed in finding a job. My social anxiety and feeling emotionally overwhelmed does not allow me to work more than 1 day. Also the last time I tried I got a high blood pressure and could not eat. Also I started to get dizzy. I had to quit joining that company, though the job was good and it was near where I live.
I try my best to deal with my body and society. But there is a two front war with them both. One time society is happy, then my body is not. And then the opposite. Writing this thinking of coming up with an alternative idea for my exit plan. Hanging? I tried. Also now I have anxiety of that, because I failed but by hurting my throat. So swallowing did hurt for nearly one month. Also I remembered that I tried hanging also other times and failed. The problem is: I can only do partial hanging, but I am over 6 feet 2. So ending up as a vegetable is my biggest anxiety, which is stopping me from that. Also it will hurt as well.
Getting something like N or any drug is possible in South America. I am 100% decisive with that solution. But I am indecisive on other exit plan solutions. I wish I could find someone I can trust and who help me to achieve my (dream) exit plan.
These fact makes me angry and also fuels my anxiety and anger. Sorry, but I do not like society for that fact. For me society and all who actively or passively (by doing nothing against that) are in my eyes criminals like a prison guard who abuses a prison inmate and allows him only to eat puke or dirt.
I know it sounds hard, but that's the pain of how I feel. No right to do want I want with MY OWN BODY. You can tattoo, cut or pierce yourself. Or hurt or cut yourself. But suicide. This is not allowed.
My "exit" plan is developed but it's not realizable in my situation. I can't save the amount of money I need to travel to South America for my "exit" plan. I want to buy there the best medication for my purpose. It would be a nice happy end travel and I got say goodbye in an exiting way. Saying good bye in a nice hotel watching sunset and listening to my favourite songs. Why I am not allowed to be happy like a cat or dog. No one forces them to work or be in a "society".
This exit plan is only possible when I somewhat fix my fatigue that Is stronger this past 2 months. And I need to have a job (25 hours or more). I need the job for money. But I can't work. Because of feeling tired, not being able to find a job. And when I succeed in finding a job. My social anxiety and feeling emotionally overwhelmed does not allow me to work more than 1 day. Also the last time I tried I got a high blood pressure and could not eat. Also I started to get dizzy. I had to quit joining that company, though the job was good and it was near where I live.
I try my best to deal with my body and society. But there is a two front war with them both. One time society is happy, then my body is not. And then the opposite. Writing this thinking of coming up with an alternative idea for my exit plan. Hanging? I tried. Also now I have anxiety of that, because I failed but by hurting my throat. So swallowing did hurt for nearly one month. Also I remembered that I tried hanging also other times and failed. The problem is: I can only do partial hanging, but I am over 6 feet 2. So ending up as a vegetable is my biggest anxiety, which is stopping me from that. Also it will hurt as well.
Getting something like N or any drug is possible in South America. I am 100% decisive with that solution. But I am indecisive on other exit plan solutions. I wish I could find someone I can trust and who help me to achieve my (dream) exit plan.
