Venting anti-recovery part deux : hotshots - le nightmares

[Suicidebydeath]

help

i need to write this while i have the energy and can explain

so nightmares

except its like hell but emotional

not the biblical one, thats heaven by comparison

like everything could personally, emotionally attack and destroy me

put into one dream

feels soul-destroying

like soul-rending

i cannot

i was already collapsing

it was that bad

when u say your worst nightmare - literally but dial it up by a thousand

why

it hurts

stop

then i wake up

physical pain the same now for x days in a row 24/7

but that nightmare. i am dead inside. nothing hurts more

bank holidays suck

i didnt even brush my teeth i just rushed here to get the words and feeling out right away

i cannot even describe the nightmare

to my most trusted confidante

they are that bad, and this one, was personally. soul-destroying

all the others i could tell you if it made that one go away

masochistic is one way to describe it

-----------------------------------------

this is vent

dont reply

save me from that nightmare

i need meds and help soon

------------------------------

CPTSD diagnosis soon please

and meds

TRIGGER WARNING / jealousy I guess? which is most of us + more than I can even comprehend

nevermind I changed my mind I am not posting it here. I was going to post the nightmare but I do not want the consequences, also its about a forum, so it will probably trigger everyone here.

even scared to tell one person. (I wrote the short form of nightmare in text file now so I can go back on this decision with someone later)

TRIGGER WARNING again - so I decided to post a micro version that won't affect people, probably
ok this is the micro version of the nightmare that I feel isn't unsafe to talk about, it might trigger someone, I don't know.

Spoiler

"on a bus","mental health forum","trying to help others","cannot talk/anti-recovery","misintepreted and attacked","its too late","my love with another older man, a stranger","encouraged to make love", "to solve their problems","by another","they keep saying they feel better after","I'm alone again","suffer+heartbroken","jealous","still in abusive situation myself"

I wrote that in the least triggering way I could think of.

TRIGGER WARNING - I guess nightmares? might trigger C/PTSD people, I don't know, I won't describe them in detail, so tw: nightmares, sex, violence, bullying

Spoiler

so usually I have bad nightmares about my family, stuff like that, this one was a little different, but hurt signficantly. I don't want to describe the dream in full words.

I had another one with my dad that I spoke about, and he was kissing me and stuff at the start, someone can probably relate, it was pretty long. I told someone about it. after that its generic wont be believed and feeling bad and guility about it type stuff being tricked and so on and being powerless and authority figures

I get other nightmares, about my uncle, on top of me in bed, strangling. and all sorts. he did worse IRL, but I don't dream about that. I dream about bullying, a lot.

I get nightmares about my brother too. don't really get nightmares about mom? I guess it depends what I'm thinking. the only one was one recently where scared she would die. combined with other stuff. no nightmares about sister.

also get nightmares about ex-es, but also the opposite, where we're together, and waking up is the horrible thing.

it's not in detail, so nobody gets hurt?

////
some stuff about cats or something so people don't read the trigger warning stuff if they don't want to. wait, spoilers. brb
read it back going to brush my teeth love ya all, please don't read if you have a good imagination + triggers, or something



Just looked at the time, I got less than 3 hours sleep. I have to go back so to try to sleep so, wish me luck I guess?

I only went to bed to try to get rid of the anxiety, not to have more. I was hoping it was tomorrow.

So luck that no more nightmares, and I actually get some sleep. No sleep like a week+ now. I'll probably be ok.

The best thing about being unnoticeable is nobody has to read my shit lol. It's also the worst thing.

 

[Sherri]

I'm so sorry you going through this. If you ever need to talk I'm always here for you :)

 

[Suicidebydeath]

So, don't read if you haven't seen all the latest MCU movies!! from this year -2022
You've been warned!

Spoiler

I just watched the latest spiderman movie and the ending, where he was forgotten by everyone, and it was so sad and reminded me of the nightmare again. So if that helps to explain more how I felt about the nightmare.

 

[little helpers]

I don't think this counts as a reply, so.



lil man is a bit too cute. and I heard cats help with these things a lil bit. petting one. but I guess seeing too.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Its ok, no reply is mainly just a self-defense mechanism to stop me feeling too bad in future. Like, I will feel that way when I write it, and
(I don't know how to write it and my anxiety painfully is through the roof so in spoiler)

Spoiler

its also defense because I'm used to people being horrible so. Let me vent, but don't come at me afterwards.

 

[rationaltake]

Its ok, no reply is mainly just a self-defense mechanism to stop me feeling too bad in future. Like, I will feel that way when I write it, and
(I don't know how to write it and my anxiety painfully is through the roof so in spoiler)

Spoiler

its also defense because I'm used to people being horrible so. Let me vent, but don't come at me afterwards.

Hope you feel better soon. You are so thoughtful trying not to trigger others. Some very difficult stuff. Thanks for the cats.