another year where nothing changed

[painmustend]

another year passed while nothing has changed. once again, i´m sitting in my room alone on new years eve. in this past year i did nothing else but exist and try to survive each day. people around me (my therapist and my mom lol there aren´t really any other left) tell me that thats a great thing and that i should be proud for surviving and tbh thats the stupidest shit i´ve ever heard. i didn´t feel happy ONCE in this entire year. not only my mental health is at an insanly low point but my physical health is too due to my eating disorder. i failed multiple times to ctb this year. everday i just spent in my room being miserable and lonely and so sick of everything. this now goes on for more than half of my life. the last time i felt a good emotion was 4 years ago and before that it´s been again 3-4 years. since i´m 14 years old i´m chronically suicidal. nothing ever changes in my life. nothing gets better. everything just stays the same or gets worse. and the most embarrassing thing about this is that i´m still alive. in my lifetime i tried 10 times to ctb and failed. i feel like such a failure for this. and i´m truly embarrased that i wake up everyday and just try to get through the day, because i know it won´t ever get better. there is no hope left. but still, when i try to ctb i always fail. the one thing that would make me find peace is the one thing i´m incapable to do. my life is such a shit show and i´m ashamed that i´m still here. why should i be proud of the fact, that everday i don´t manage to ctb is a day i prolong my suffering. i feel like through surviving i´m playing a active role in my suffering because there is a way i could end it, i´m just to dumb to do it.
i´m sorry for this ramble, my braincells aren´t working anymore due to undereating so my english is a mess. at least i found this community this year so there´s maybe one positive thing.
happy nye<3

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence, I wish that it's easier to cease existing on our own terms. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Reuthry]

I feel this. I really wanted to die and I definitely didn't want to see 2024, but unfortunately here I am. I hope this year brings me peace, I have decided on my date of suicide, and other necessary stuff and I plan to succeed.

I hope you find peace too, regardless of what you choose to do.

 

[painmustend]

I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence, I wish that it's easier to cease existing on our own terms. But anyway best wishes.

it really is. but thank you, best wishes for you too!

I feel this. I really wanted to die and I definitely didn't want to see 2024, but unfortunately here I am. I hope this year brings me peace, I have decided on my date of suicide, and other necessary stuff and I plan to succeed.

I hope you find peace too, regardless of what you choose to do.

thank you! i hope 2024 brings you what you want and that everything works out the way it should!

 

[GhostKing714]

I feel you. I really thought, and wanted, this year to be different. I wanted to finally feel like I was living and having the life I wanted, instead of simply seeing life and time pass me by, but alas this was not the case. If anything, this year just showed me how incapable I am of changing my situation. Everything that I thought could have a chance of making life better ended up making it even worse, leaving me in the same cycle of discontent and boringness that has characterised the last 6 years of my life. These past few days have been brutal, as I have finally realised that 2024 will just be the last disappointment that I can take. I am almost certain I will try to ctb this year, and honestly it is the only thing that I am truly looking forward to this year and that keeps me going as I feel like it is the only thing I can do at this point.

I'm sorry to hear that your previous attempts have failed, hopefully this year you will be able to finally find peace and end your suffering.

 

[painmustend]

I feel you. I really thought, and wanted, this year to be different. I wanted to finally feel like I was living and having the life I wanted, instead of simply seeing life and time pass me by, but alas this was not the case. If anything, this year just showed me how incapable I am of changing my situation. Everything that I thought could have a chance of making life better ended up making it even worse, leaving me in the same cycle of discontent and boringness that has characterised the last 6 years of my life. These past few days have been brutal, as I have finally realised that 2024 will just be the last disappointment that I can take. I am almost certain I will try to ctb this year, and honestly it is the only thing that I am truly looking forward to this year and that keeps me going as I feel like it is the only thing I can do at this point.

I'm sorry to hear that your previous attempts have failed, hopefully this year you will be able to finally find peace and end your suffering.

i relate to every word you said and i´m so sorry you´re going through this. i really hope that you´ll find peace this year one way or the other!