Venting another worthless bulimic

[sunny.sativa]

i was 13. i stole a jar of frosting and cried myself to sleep after binging on it.

at 15, i threw up dinner for the first time.

age 17, i stopped eating completely. i loved the way my body looked for once.

in my 20's now and still can't feed myself properly.

but i don't have anorexia. i can't have my bony little dream body forever because i always fall back on food. i'm not fat yet.. but a few months ago, i was bodybuilding, vegetarian, had the body of a goddess. found my mojo, but life changed my situation and i lost my recovery mindset.

i can't stop eating. i can't stop wanting to NOT eat, as i'm shoveling more food into my fucking face, crying over the toilet bowl, telling myself i don't deserve this, all i have to do is take care of myself and do some fucking crunches and stop being a lazy, worthless POS.

it's really disgusting to me that people are actually sick and dying and would trade their chronic illness for something as petty as bulimia.
it's disgusting to me that i'd trade them, too.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Those are idiots. Bulimia is a mental illness, just as much as all the others.

Big hug for you

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't know if this will help...

Please take this paragraph as constructive observation of the words you wrote, not condemnation. From the title of the thread throughout the OP, I heard so much judgment -- worthless, goddess, disgusting, petty. And I also noticed an identity -- bulimic (a worthless one at that).

I first purged when I was sixteen. I binged and purged until my late twenties. I had my own recovery process, I don't know what yours will look like. I also hated myself from a very young age, and in my twenties I had enough people point out to me the horrible way I talked about myself, and I worked on saying good things about myself and liking myself.

I think that as long as you identify yourself with the actions, as the actions, it will be more challenging to separate yourself from them and become free of them. As long as you identify yourself with the actions, they have more power than they merit.

It seems you have all-or-none/heaven-or-hell perfection issues. I used to think that way, no judgment. I wonder if you've ever had any experience with DBT. If you're interested, the Dialectical Behavioral Therapies Workbook is, imo, very helpful. It's got some elements of CBT, which recognizes that type of thinking, but also offers tools to change it. Perfectionism is a royal pain in the ass, and can make it difficult to start new things, or able to achieve long-term goals once the initial, highly-motivated push peters out or gets a wrench thrown in it.

I don't know if my comment is of any benefit. I hope that you'll disregard anything that doesn't serve.

 

[sunny.sativa]

I don't know if this will help...

Please take this paragraph as constructive observation of the words you wrote, not condemnation. From the title of the thread throughout the OP, I heard so much judgment -- worthless, goddess, disgusting, petty. And I also noticed an identity -- bulimic (a worthless one at that).

I first purged when I was sixteen. I binged and purged until my late twenties. I had my own recovery process, I don't know what yours will look like. I also hated myself from a very young age, and in my twenties I had enough people point out to me the horrible way I talked about myself, and I worked on saying good things about myself and liking myself.

I think that as long as you identify yourself with the actions, as the actions, it will be more challenging to separate yourself from them and become free of them. As long as you identify yourself with the actions, they have more power than they merit.

It seems you have all-or-none/heaven-or-hell perfection issues. I used to think that way, no judgment. I wonder if you've ever had any experience with DBT. If you're interested, the Dialectical Behavioral Therapies Workbook is, imo, very helpful. It's got some elements of CBT, which recognizes that type of thinking, but also offers tools to change it. Perfectionism is a royal pain in the ass, and can make it difficult to start new things, or able to achieve long-term goals once the initial, highly-motivated push peters out or gets a wrench thrown in it.

I don't know if my comment is of any benefit. I hope that you'll disregard anything that doesn't serve.

I appreciate your comment so much. I needed this kind of advice and will look into it. Your observations are spot on, it's nice to know someone understands on a personal level, I'm glad you've found recovery. Thank you.

 

[Oyoy]

I don't know how to not use food as a drug. Its so hard because we cannot just stop eating. Food addiction is why I'm so dysfunctional. I've used drugs and had sex to replace this. Thanks for.making me feel less alone.

 

[sunny.sativa]

I don't know how to not use food as a drug. Its so hard because we cannot just stop eating. Food addiction is why I'm so dysfunctional. I've used drugs and had sex to replace this. Thanks for.making me feel less alone.

It's not something you can just quit cold-turkey, like drugs or alcohol. You can't just avoid it and have a normal life again. Food is essential and people without this issue don't understand the complexity of it.