Venting Another useless vent about the same shit

[WorthlessTrash]

Disclaimer: Not making this thread so people can try to get me to see the "upsides" of my problem, nor is it here so people can convince me to transition. I have my reasons for choosing to CTB over transitioning and several people have tried to talk me into it and it did not work. CTBing over transitioning is one thing I am 100% adamant about!

Def leaning towards renegging on my agreement to try to stick it out until the end of the year. My birthday is soon and that will have been 32 years too many as this, what I am. I hate having to go through the day looking in the mirror at this grotesque body while I see attractive women living the life I wish I could have been blessed to live. People say looks don't matter, but that's about as true as saying money doesn't matter.
Being good looking can and does afford you so many privilege in life. People gravitate and want to be around you and you feel great about yourself and have justified self confidence.

I cannot and will not attempt to feel good about being this 350 lbs garbage bag of testosterone. I cannot avoid my triggers. Irl, tv, social media. They are everywhere. It pains me to see others have the privilages that I wish I could be afforded. However, I lost the 50/50 at birth. I have tried to make the best out of it, but there are no upsides for me being this way.

There is nothing I can do as a male, that I couldn't do as an attractive female. There is no benefit for me in being a male. It absolutely sucks!

/rant

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Looks and money matter because of privileges as you said. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this and weren't born in the correct body. I hope you can find eternal peace soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have suffered for so long. It really is such an unfair and cruel life. I hope that you find freedom from what you are going through.

 

[Life_and_Death]

(not op more so the commenters)
being good looking, has its downsides too. its not all "privileges" and even those "privileges" are hell to some.

 

[chocolatebar]

I made a previous comment while my mind was too messy and deleted it instantly to avoid tripping over my words. However, now that I read your post again, I feel a bit confused about it. It's a bit unclear if you feel like you were born in a physical way you don't identify yourself with or if you wanted to have a different body in order to have different social interactions.

In any way, it's terrible to look at the mirror and not recognize the person we are. We are all born out from the void and grow up to accept what we are, but what if we don't like it? We never had the power of choosing it. I wonder why so few people question it and how most can take it as something fair.

But enough words, here, have a warm hug

not op more so the commenters)
being good looking, has its downsides too. its not all "privileges" and even those "privileges" are hell to some.

I understand how being "good looking" can be a hell for some and also how one can be privileged from it. When we look at the big numbers, we can see some patterns. "good looking" people earn more, have higher education, are more easily accepted in job interviews, occupy more prestigious positions, among other things. This is something complex, resulting from how society treats people differently, both in the present and historically.

However, when we look at an individual, statistics don't matter anymore. Each person lived in a different way and had different experiences, including the worst possible ones, even aggravated by their "good looks", like by having the spotlights over them or being more targeted. Besides, having better social status doesn't imply someone has a better life.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

(not op more so the commenters)
being good looking, has its downsides too. its not all "privileges" and even those "privileges" are hell to some.

It may have some downsides, but at least you can wake up and be proud of what you look like in the mirror. At least you wouldn't have to look at some ogre in the mirror.

There's also easier time to get jobs, dates, people graviatate towards you because you exude justified confidence, etc. Sure, there may be cat calling when you're attractive, but ugly people are made fun of and ridiculed.

I made a previous comment while my mind was too messy and deleted it instantly to avoid tripping over my words. However, now that I read your post again, I feel a bit confused about it. It's a bit unclear if you feel like you were born in a physical way you don't identify yourself with or if you wanted to have a different body in order to have different social interactions.

In any way, it's terrible to look at the mirror and not recognize the person we are. We are all born out from the void and grow up to accept what we are, but what if we don't like it? We never had the power of choosing it. I wonder why so few people question it and how most can take it as something fair.

But enough words, here, have a warm hug

I am a male (technically genderfluid I guess) that wishes they were born female. For multiple reasons including finding the male body gross, wanting pretty privilage, and wanting to look in the mirror and be able to be proud of how I look. I want to be someone who is attractive, and since I don't find men attractive, I don't want to be a male.

 

[Life_and_Death]

but at least you can wake up and be proud of what you look like in the mirror. At least you wouldn't have to look at some ogre in the mirror.

Lmfao, no. I have a disorder that makes it so I don't know what I look like (to explain it simply). I hate myself and starve myself because of it. Just because guys treat me like shit, doesn't mean I love myself.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Lmfao, no. I have a disorder that makes it so I don't know what I look like (to explain it simply). I hate myself and starve myself because of it. Just because guys treat me like shit, doesn't mean I love myself.

I guess for you it's different. Let me ask you this. If you had to choose, would you rather be me (300 lbs male)? Eating disorder and being treated like shit by men doesn't great I admit, but I'd be willing to try it vs what I am now.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I guess for you it's different. Let me ask you this. If you had to choose, would you rather be me (300 lbs male)? Eating disorder and being treated like shit by men doesn't great I admit, but I'd be willing to try it vs what I am now.

I can't speak for the 300lbs part because I'm 120ish and atypical anorexic hating the numbers, but yeah. I've thought about changing my gender just to get away from the harrasment. My body feels sick and wrong. I'm not tired of the abuse, I'm exhausted of it.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I can't speak for the 300lbs part because I'm 120ish and atypical anorexic hating the numbers, but yeah. I've thought about changing my gender just to get away from the harrasment. My body feels sick and wrong. I'm not tired of the abuse, I'm exhausted of it.

Wish we could trade then :( but you shouldnt change your sex if you're not dysphoric (even then, it doesnt always help dysphoric people). People who transition get harassment to, and it can sometimes be a lot worse... (I assume you meant change your biological sex).

I would trade bodies with you in a heartbeat though, but sadly life isn't generous like that :(

 

[Life_and_Death]

you shouldnt change your sex if you're not dysphoric

not being dysphoric, hating needles, and pre-deciding if i need a surgery id rather kms, yeah sex change didnt sound for me lol

 

[WorthlessTrash]

not being dysphoric, hating needles, and pre-deciding if i need a surgery id rather kms, yeah sex change didnt sound for me lol

Yeah, and I promise you, you wouldn't be treated any better if you were a trans-male. On top of that, dating would be even harder.

Sorry we both hate the way we are, though :(

 

[Life_and_Death]

Yeah, and I promise you, you wouldn't be treated any better if you were a trans-male. On top of that, dating would be even harder.

Sorry we both hate the way we are, though :(

personally dealing with general harassments has got to be better then body memories. (mental vs physical, at least from my perspective, ive had to put up with general bullying as well). and idc about dating, i managed to find myself in one of those "him or no one else"' situation and he left.
too bad we couldnt just wake up like that

 

[WorthlessTrash]

personally dealing with general harassments has got to be better then body memories. (mental vs physical, at least from my perspective, ive had to put up with general bullying as well). and idc about dating, i managed to find myself in one of those "him or no one else"' situation and he left.
too bad we couldnt just wake up like that

Well, for trans people, it's a lot worse than general harassment. It's a very small reason among many big ones why I will CTB and not transition.
And yeah, that'd solve both our problems, but not everyone can have a good life so suffer we have to ig.

 

[GasMonkey]

As a KHHV i can perfectly understand you (even tho I don't want to be the opposite sex), what a life I would have had if I were born as a good looking guy.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

As a KHHV i can perfectly understand you (even tho I don't want to be the opposite sex), what a life I would have had if I were born as a good looking guy.

Thank you. I am very sorry for what we both are going through. It isn't much consolation, I know :(