I tried to post this initially on my profile but came to find that not even the first paragraph fit into the 500 character maximum so I guess it'll be going here. Just another rant of all the others I've posted on the internet or talked about to random people in the real world throughout the time of these issues.
Any cognitive functioning, even a minimal amount for something that I actually would like to do, seems to really just make me feel horrible. Any decision making just seems to take such a large amount of energy and often puts me in distress. Sometimes I really can't help but think to myself, is this actually my life? I can't think of a single positive thing that has come out of my mind in a while. Usually, if anything positive does come out of it, even that is tinted in some form of negativity or suicidal sentiment if that makes sense.
I feel like I've been a zombie for too long now and I'm not even half way through the average life span. I've wanted to leave for a while as well but unfortunately there is no escape route that doesn't involve things I wouldn't want to happen. Whether I'd be around for it or not, the nightmarish thoughts of suffering that comes with the aftermath haunts me.
I know that I had no say in coming into existence and that this is MY life and My body, but I just can't help but try to repress these suicidal thoughts every time I think of things like these. I've tried to talk to loved ones about these things but even that crushes me and them. It leaves me trying hard to just deal with it out of guilt, but I inevitably can't sustain this bottling of feelings.
What do I do? That's what really bothers me. The question has been asked a million times now and no professionals can reliably tell me. They are surely competent in telling me what they were taught to tell me, but they don't have answers that truly work to solve the problem or even remedy it on a smaller scale. I feel as though I'm living a very morbid life that most of the people who I have known or interacted with in the past just couldn't fathom.
Speaking about these things to former friends, partners, etc has almost always left me feeling more isolated in my outlook and perspective. Even those who have the struggle of suicidality in common just seem to not really understand all of the details of my situation and are still out there living their lives while I have transitioned into a solitary life.
It seems as though others, even those who are suicidal, are often able to snap out of it or at least take care of themselves and function. I know it isn't so black and white, as there are plenty like me, and plenty more who keep the severity of their struggles inside. That being said, this is an unacceptable quality of life.
The medical system has failed me HARD. Having tried everything short of Ect and a few wacky treatments that I can almost guarantee won't work, I feel as though I have been fueled with even more hopelessness, despair, and everything I need to push me further into not craving, but NEEDING isolation to feel even somewhat stable.
I would like for it to go on record how much treatment and self help I have sought out starting from my teen years till now. The list of things that I have tried is listed somewhat chronologically to the best of my memory:
- Trying harder
- Eating Better
- Retraining my brain for positive thoughts
- keeping in touch with existing friends during the worst phases of depression
- trying to build self confidence with work and hobbies
- Cutting out toxic people from my life
- Cutting out anything "negative" from my music and film taste. Not my idea lol. Come to find, fuck that. Negativity is all that feels real.
- Vitamins
- Therapy (I have seen several therapists over the years and gained only new diagnoses and unhelpful suggestions
- Over a dozen psych medications throughout the years, many reaching their max doses, although none helped in any meaningful way
- A strict meditation routine which was up to 45 minutes a day at one point (keep in mind this was back in highschool. Shows how motivated I was to feel better even before the problems became a matter of life or death).
- Psychiatry (Probably could have included this along with medications. Anyways, I've seen quite a few psychiatrists and been prescribed everything from beta blockers to benzos for anxiety in addition to the antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc. Oddly enough, Benzos never helped my anxiety, even in high doses. They only left me anxious with much lowered inhibitions. Imagine how that played out.
- Several self help books/Spirituality books
- Exercise (admittedly didn't ever get into a strict routine but have definitely gave it the best that I got on several occasions and such)
- Cold showers/ice baths
- Using art as an outlet (still do this, but it isn't even close to helpful for treating or remedying anything, it is simply fun on occassion but probably not that great a lot of the time).
- Trying to make new friends and foster connections
- Random supplements (Not many, but definitely a few)
- Several stays at the mental hospital
- A residential mental health program (30 days)
- dbt program
- php program
- Ketamine Iv, lozenges, and nasal spray.
- Doing it for others
- Tms treatment. I'm just about done with the nearly fourty treatments and don't feel any better, I mean I'm in a different phase of my depression but this is pretty routine so I know how this cycle goes.
Anyways, yeah. Long rant for for anyone or no one who reads it. I'm just sitting here feeling very exhausted and tired of it all but know that there is so much more to come. Splendid news or whatever.
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screw that
. Acupuncture, hypnosis 
).
.
