Venting Another day... Another day 😑

[Livingvsdying25]

The title is a quote from SpongeBob Season 9 "Lost in Bikini Bottom" (if anyone's interested )

But its very that today like "oh another day ". Friend wants to hang out but I don't really wanna hang out anymore?

I can't explain that well but it just makes me feel sad and tired to think about. It makes me feel like I need pretend and such. I don't want to but I have to be honest... besides sleeping to escape reality and planning my death I feel very uninterested in life things.

Like I'm very at that "let me die asap or I just don't wanna be here" kinda feeling.

Im gonna try to fall back asleep and then reply / see how I feel. If I hang out it'd be more for her than me. Which makes me feel like such an awful person

I'm just kinda done with everything. It's odd bc shouldn't it be nice to just hang out on zoom? Why does the idea make me feel even more....suffocated in ways? Maybe I'm pretending or feeling like I needa be my usual upbeat and talkative self. I don't have to be anything around her. But I feel like I have to? I dunno...

I gotta be honest in that the end of the month being next week and cancelling my therapy appt for tmrw so I don't need worry about any bills is VERY appealing rn. Dying next weekend would be the dream...

I'm so so close to finally leaving this horrible life. I don't want to reconsider... also... maybe it's just my fucked up head but I feel like aside from my impending death I don't have much to look forward to. I'm not doing much and I don't want to.

So what do I even talk about one could say like why don't I just listen instead but I realized likeee especially with this friend our neurodivergent "love language" so to speak is talking its like a volley of different thoughts and ideas. Im kinda tearing up just thinking about it bc I'm really gonna miss that and I'm gonna miss her and ik my death will have an impact

Ughh what to do......

Anyway aside from that I slept like 9 hrs and had some vivid dreams but im low on cannabis products so I expect that but ughh!! They've been about my mom .

Today tho... I dunno wtf I am doing? Like the usual distractions. Gotta check the mail and likeeee otherwise??? No plans tbh. Checking the price of my guitars & also budgeting for the end of the month is a good start...

Living life is hard but so is preparing to leave it. Will probs make a check list today. I haven't made a dying checklist in so long. I'm again sooo excited. I can't wait to die fr fr.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would be looking forward to leaving this world so much, best wishes.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm exactly like this. When people ask me to do stuff- which is rare to be honest (thankfully,) I just get this utter dread. I've pretty much always been like it to be honest. I can't absolutely pin point why exactly either. It's so much worse now though... so- I really feel you on that.

There's one particular friend I have known almost my entire life. I'm especially dreading having to see them because I'm simply not sure I'll be able to hide how I really am. Not sure how long I'll be able to fake everything. Then you think- why am I just putting on this facade so that they can be with the person they remember me as for a little while. I don't know- it's hard. What will they likely find less suspicious?!! Refusing to meet up at all or- meeting up and just bluffing your way through?

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I'm exactly like this. When people ask me to do stuff- which is rare to be honest (thankfully,) I just get this utter dread. I've pretty much always been like it to be honest. I can't absolutely pin point why exactly either. It's so much worse now though... so- I really feel you on that.

There's one particular friend I have known almost my entire life. I'm especially dreading having to see them because I'm simply not sure I'll be able to hide how I really am. Not sure how long I'll be able to fake everything. Then you think- why am I just putting on this facade so that they can be with the person they remember me as for a little while. I don't know- it's hard. What will they likely find less suspicious?!! Refusing to meet up at all or- meeting up and just bluffing your way through?

Thnxxx for understanding/ sharing this bc I was feeling like such an asshole fr fr but yee the feeling that comes up is dread and it makes me feel sooo damn bad

I kinda agreed to meet but I'm like damn should I tho? and also was asked what im doin today and said im just planning death stuff and not interested in living stuff then said lemme kno if thats too dark or like too much and I wont mentioned it.


And yee thats what I am wondering too about pretending or like being real. Do I meet and then maybe I'll be how I always am? Or am I gonna meet and end up pretending? Is there a point to meeting with anyone anymore... am I able to pretend?

I just dunno theres no guide to this or anything... I can't explain the cause of the dread either but it just kinda is like a nudge inside of "ughh I love all my loved ones but I am so sick of living in every capacity" or smthin?

It's really hard to explain. I think ima just see how I feel as the day goes on but I don't really wanna meet or talk much to those I care about and I don't know why... but it makes me feel like a bad person.

Anyway im sorry u can relate and thnx for commenting

 

[lachrymost]

I like seeing these diary-style posts from you, and your Spongebob icon. Solidarity.

Another day... Everyday I wake up I'm incredulous about how miserable I am. It's unbelievable, unfathomable every time.

You mentioned vivid dreams and running low on cannabis. Do you find cannabis reduces the intensity and frequency of your dreams? It's one of the things I don't like about it. I miss remembering my dreams, but the weed benefits are too good to stop. I used to have a vague sense something was overwhelmingly wrong in my dreams, and I'd be consumed with finding out what, but at least I didn't know.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I like seeing these diary-style posts from you, and your Spongebob icon. Solidarity.

Another day... Everyday I wake up I'm incredulous about how miserable I am. It's unbelievable, unfathomable every time.

You mentioned vivid dreams and running low on cannabis. Do you find cannabis reduces the intensity and frequency of your dreams? It's one of the things I don't like about it. I miss remembering my dreams, but the weed benefits are too good to stop. I used to have a vague sense something was overwhelmingly wrong in my dreams, and I'd be consumed with finding out what, but at least I didn't know.

Thnxxx I think at this point im basically live journalling I used to be a heavy diary/journal writer since I was 6 but last yr it just kinda fizzed out...

I get ya on waking up and feeling miserable. Been feelin the same its like and sometimes the energy to change that misery is jus not present. Solidarity as well. I hope ur days become a bit less miserable feeling

Yee the cannabis helps with my sleep issues soooo much without it I always have nightmares and vivid dreams and weird Hypnogogic hallucinations (hallucinations as I am falling asleep)

Tbh I never had good dreams and since 17 or so they've been very horrible so I just have been ok with that. I miss having the occasional good dream though. Sometimes it'd be a beautiful story but too often its just disturbing things or just retelling my abuse history.

It's one of my fav things about it but I def get the sense of wanting to know and sometimes I feel that but weighing pro's and con's its just worth it ya kno?

Anywho thnxxx for ur comment I hope u find a lil joy within the day

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thnxxx for understanding/ sharing this bc I was feeling like such an asshole fr fr but yee the feeling that comes up is dread and it makes me feel sooo damn bad

I kinda agreed to meet but I'm like damn should I tho? and also was asked what im doin today and said im just planning death stuff and not interested in living stuff then said lemme kno if thats too dark or like too much and I wont mentioned it.


And yee thats what I am wondering too about pretending or like being real. Do I meet and then maybe I'll be how I always am? Or am I gonna meet and end up pretending? Is there a point to meeting with anyone anymore... am I able to pretend?

I just dunno theres no guide to this or anything... I can't explain the cause of the dread either but it just kinda is like a nudge inside of "ughh I love all my loved ones but I am so sick of living in every capacity" or smthin?

It's really hard to explain. I think ima just see how I feel as the day goes on but I don't really wanna meet or talk much to those I care about and I don't know why... but it makes me feel like a bad person.

Anyway im sorry u can relate and thnx for commenting

I hope it goes better than you expect. Things sometimes do. I guess- just see how it goes. Hopefully, it will feel more natural when you're actually with them. All the best.