Venting Another caregiver leaving

[Marawa]

11years of caregivers either being atrociously neglectful or abusive. no wants to help me through my agoraphobia. I'm sick of myself. This one particularly hurts because its family. idk what I'm going to do because I've been robbed so many times I can't trust another stranger. pain isolation & not being able to get treatment (to doctor & therapy) has worn me down.
thanks for listening. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I've tried every method & I can only afford 600 plus room @& board. I now see only a professional agency could help. since I can't afford
that, I need ctb.
The partial suspension in the video looks so peaceful but I'm told the video isn't accurate or might be fake.
I will try again. Any support is appreciated suggestions.
I can't stop crying I don't want to die but I don't want this life.
any other suggestions welcome because I can't wait on supplies. thanks everyone for listening & posting your stories.

 

[neveranyhope]

@Marawa I'm so so sorry your caregivers have been so awful. It's truly terrible how people treat those in their care. I so understand that "sick of myself" feeling. I wish I could be there to hold your hand while you cry. I'm so sorry for your pain. I pray you'll get to find some peace somehow very soon.

 

[Marawa]

@Marawa I'm so so sorry your caregivers have been so awful. It's truly terrible how people treat those in their care. I so understand that "sick of myself" feeling. I wish I could be there to hold your hand while you cry. I'm so sorry for your pain. I pray you'll get to find some peace somehow very soon.

just hearing kind words is very helpful. just connecting to you & you understanding is tremendous because I'm being accused of faking & being told I'm overwhelming all the time. maybe I am idk

 

[neveranyhope]

@Marawa it's SO hard when people accuse you of faking it, and then it totally gets into your head like am I faking it, is this real, literally, it's like people are so clueless/do not have any understanding that they end up gaslighting us because of their own failure of compassion/empathy. And then you feel even crazier. Like, if all these people are seeing I should be doing something else and I literally physically cannot, I must be the crazy one.

You are not crazy. You are not faking it. you are not overwhelming, it's PTSD and MDD and the cruelty of life and others that is overwhelming. It is NOT you and anybody who says otherwise just doesn't get it and is up against their own wall. People who can't even extend compassion are so hard to deal with. We already feel like burdens on ourselves.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I really wish I could give you a hug.

 

[Marawa]

@Marawa it's SO hard when people accuse you of faking it, and then it totally gets into your head like am I faking it, is this real, literally, it's like people are so clueless/do not have any understanding that they end up gaslighting us because of their own failure of compassion/empathy. And then you feel even crazier. Like, if all these people are seeing I should be doing something else and I literally physically cannot, I must be the crazy one.

You are not crazy. You are not faking it. you are not overwhelming, it's PTSD and MDD and the cruelty of life and others that is overwhelming. It is NOT you and anybody who says otherwise just doesn't get it and is up against their own wall. People who can't even extend compassion are so hard to deal with. We already feel like burdens on ourselves.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I really wish I could give you a hug.

you're right it's the worse. thank you for your kind words. I'm surrounded by psychopaths. I just need out. one way or another.

 

[neveranyhope]

Message me any time if you need to vent. Sending you <3

 

[Jenna]

@Marawa you know I'm in a similar boat. I wish so badly I had the right words. My mom and I used to be best friends and I did burn her and several others out. This isn't your fault. It's a sick debilitating illness. I know you are not feeling sorry for yourself and you are stronger than you know. Unless you have lived this it's near to impossible to get. Huge hugs.

 

[Marawa]

Message me any time if you need to vent. Sending you <3

thank you. I'm going try partial again or an od I have so much shit from bbloodvthinners to whatever the hell some thing had to workx6

@Marawa you know I'm in a similar boat. I wish so badly I had the right words. My mom and I used to be best friends and I did burn her and several others out. This isn't your fault. It's a sick debilitating illness. I know you are not feeling sorry for yourself and you are stronger than you know. Unless you have lived this it's near to impossible to get. Huge hugs.

a thank you Jenna. I've wanted to reach out to you in the past but since you seem to be in recovery I hesitated. I find it hard to be hypocritical. how are you managing

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

11years of caregivers either being atrociously neglectful or abusive. no wants to help me through my agoraphobia. I'm sick of myself. This one particularly hurts because its family. idk what I'm going to do because I've been robbed so many times I can't trust another stranger. pain isolation & not being able to get treatment (to doctor & therapy) has worn me down.
thanks for listening. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I've tried every method & I can only afford 600 plus room @& board. I now see only a professional agency could help. since I can't afford
that, I need ctb.
The partial suspension in the video looks so peaceful but I'm told the video isn't accurate or might be fake.
I will try again. Any support is appreciated suggestions.
I can't stop crying I don't want to die but I don't want this life.
any other suggestions welcome because I can't wait on supplies. thanks everyone for listening & posting your stories.

This was heart-breaking to read. I want to say so much more but I'm speechless. And irreparably disillusioned. I wish I could help. I wish we could all help each other. :(

 

[Marawa]

This was heart-breaking to read. I want to say so much more but I'm speechless. And irreparably disillusioned. I wish I could help. I wish we could all help each other. :(

Yeah I see some many in pain here. it seems we could band together and pool resources emotionally & physically. be there for each other in crisis. But who can you trust? who can arrange meet ups? who could we trust to pool money together to help one another when one is in crisis? it's a damn shame we have to worry about scammers. Most of us ate lonely & have not even psych who can relate. I'm idk

 

[neveranyhope]

@Marawa I almost did it with blood thinners in 2013 and ended up in the hospital out of my own panicking, but I didn't find out till afterwards that I was much closer to death than I realized. They said if I had waited any longer, I would have bled out in my sleep. They didn't give me any kind of scary scolding warnings about it being painful and to be honest I didn't feel any pain at any point (other than the psychological pain). That being said, I don't want to be hypocritical about this but I can't encourage you to do it. I know the pain is so intense and awful right now and I know even if you get relief, it'll probably return. But I just want you to know I wish for your pain to end and your life to be livable. You deserve so much better than what this life has given you.

I wish I could teleport to you and just say whatever you need to hear right now or just be there so you're not alone. Sending you <3

Yeah I see some many in pain here. it seems we could band together and pool resources emotionally & physically. be there for each other in crisis. But who can you trust? who can arrange meet ups? who could we trust to pool money together to help one another when one is in crisis? it's a damn shame we have to worry about scammers. Most of us ate lonely & have not even psych who can relate. I'm idk

This group has made me realize so much that people who are suicidal need a network of meetings like AA. Especially considering this is a disease that comes back even when "life is good" on the outside. The only answer for suicide is other people to be there. And the people in our lives who think they "get it" and "can help," actually don't know what it's like at all and they can't "get it" and are too weirded out by it when we actually do need help.

I wish we could do that. I listened to a news story the other day and there are about 50,000 reported suicides in the US annually, up from about 20,000 annually in 1999. That's a lot of people, and we all know there are far more people than 50,000 struggling with suicidality every single freaking day. To have a network like AA and NA people have makes me think we might be able to make some kind of difference.

We ALL deserve better out of life and we ALL deserve the extra support we need because we're carrying so much pain for everyone. I don't know if this would ever be possible but if I could create something like that, I would want to.

That's me though, all ideas and dreams, no execution ability.

 

[Marawa]

@Marawa I almost did it with blood thinners in 2013 and ended up in the hospital out of my own panicking, but I didn't find out till afterwards that I was much closer to death than I realized. They said if I had waited any longer, I would have bled out in my sleep. They didn't give me any kind of scary scolding warnings about it being painful and to be honest I didn't feel any pain at any point (other than the psychological pain). That being said, I don't want to be hypocritical about this but I can't encourage you to do it. I know the pain is so intense and awful right now and I know even if you get relief, it'll probably return. But I just want you to know I wish for your pain to end and your life to be livable. You deserve so much better than what this life has given you.

I wish I could teleport to you and just say whatever you need to hear right now or just be there so you're not alone. Sending you <3


This group has made me realize so much that people who are suicidal need a network of meetings like AA. Especially considering this is a disease that comes back even when "life is good" on the outside. The only answer for suicide is other people to be there. And the people in our lives who think they "get it" and "can help," actually don't know what it's like at all and they can't "get it" and are too weirded out by it when we actually do need help.

I wish we could do that. I listened to a news story the other day and there are about 50,000 reported suicides in the US annually, up from about 20,000 annually in 1999. That's a lot of people, and we all know there are far more people than 50,000 struggling with suicidality every single freaking day. To have a network like AA and NA people have makes me think we might be able to make some kind of difference.

We ALL deserve better out of life and we ALL deserve the extra support we need because we're carrying so much pain for everyone. I don't know if this would ever be possible but if I could create something like that, I would want to.

That's me though, all ideas and dreams, no execution ability.

that's a wonderful idea. I sure could use it today to. maybe someone will one day. o use to write grants for domestic violence programs & I'm sure one could be done for us. it's just to late for me but I hope you or someone does it. the fund stupid shit like social worker they can use the money for higher risk like us because that's were most clients or half end up anyway

 

[neveranyhope]

@Marawa my friend, if you need someone to talk to today, please let me know. I'm happy to give you my cell phone and we can text or something. I don't want you to be alone. I think you're in the US, that's where I am (California). I know that feeling of it being too late for me and I'm here for you if you need it. I'm new to the forum so I don't know if its' too sketchy. Totally understand if so. If you want to stick it out a couple days to get to know each other, that'd be nice, but no pressure:) Sounds like youv'e done some great work in your time, and no matter what happens, please know the world was better for having you in it.

 

[Marawa]

@Marawa my friend, if you need someone to talk to today, please let me know. I'm happy to give you my cell phone and we can text or something. I don't want you to be alone. I think you're in the US, that's where I am (California). I know that feeling of it being too late for me and I'm here for you if you need it. I'm new to the forum so I don't know if its' too sketchy. Totally understand if so. If you want to stick it out a couple days to get to know each other, that'd be nice, but no pressure:) Sounds like youv'e done some great work in your time, and no matter what happens, please know the world was better for having you in it.

I would really appreciate that. I pm"d you thank you.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Yeah I see some many in pain here. it seems we could band together and pool resources emotionally & physically. be there for each other in crisis. But who can you trust? who can arrange meet ups? who could we trust to pool money together to help one another when one is in crisis? it's a damn shame we have to worry about scammers. Most of us ate lonely & have not even psych who can relate. I'm idk

This x 1,000,000.

 

[Dead beat dad]

11years of caregivers either being atrociously neglectful or abusive. no wants to help me through my agoraphobia. I'm sick of myself. This one particularly hurts because its family. idk what I'm going to do because I've been robbed so many times I can't trust another stranger. pain isolation & not being able to get treatment (to doctor & therapy) has worn me down.
thanks for listening. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I've tried every method & I can only afford 600 plus room @& board. I now see only a professional agency could help. since I can't afford
that, I need ctb.
The partial suspension in the video looks so peaceful but I'm told the video isn't accurate or might be fake.
I will try again. Any support is appreciated suggestions.
I can't stop crying I don't want to die but I don't want this life.
any other suggestions welcome because I can't wait on supplies. thanks everyone for listening & posting your stories.

I'm so sorry to hear about you situation friend. I can relate to the 'tired of living, scared of dying' conundrum.
Sadly I don't have anything helpful to say other than there are people here like me who feel your pain and will listen if you want to vent your spleen.
I hope you can find some light in this darkness friend.
Peace
DBD

 

[Marawa]

I'm so sorry to hear about you situation friend. I can relate to the 'tired of living, scared of dying' conundrum.
Sadly I don't have anything helpful to say other than there are people here like me who feel your pain and will listen if you want to vent your spleen.
I hope you can find some light in this darkness friend.
Peace
DBD

thank you for the well wishes. I find light here with ppl like yourself willing to share experiences & kind words. thank you