needthebus
Is the short bus here yet?
- Apr 29, 2024
- 672
I keep having days that are terrible.
My "good" days are decent at best. Like a good day is when nothing that terrible happens, just like moderate sadness. The bad days are just awful: physical pain, sadness, loneliness, rage, despair, all just overwhelming me.
And then I think about the future.
Because I was the victim of sexual violence and don't really see dating as a viable option for me, I'm pretty much doomed to a life of celibacy (or jerking-off). It's a different kind of inceldom because, at least at one point, people wanted to have sex with me. People probably in theory still want to have sex with me, not knowing about the injuries from the sexual violence. But if they did know, if they knew how much I disliked sex, how difficult it is for me to orgasm now, and how I sometimes have flashbacks, I just think knowing all of it they would not be interested. Even if I can reel someone in to sleep with me, I haven't enjoyed it since the injuries and it never lasts beyond a night, unlike before when I dated people and people wanted me.
So knowing that all the sorrow that is in store for me, the best I can really do in a day is have a day that's decent: that's the new apex. The only exception is if I am on drugs. When I am on drugs, I feel better than decent, but then it's a lie because I'm on drugs and it's not real, and worse, I will feel much worse the next day (unless I do more drugs) and ultimately the drugs make my brain issues even worse. So ignoring the quicksand trap of drugs, I'm left with either decent or terrible, without any joy to ever balance it out.
I really hope I'm not here in another few years and I get the recklessness or fearlessness to end things.
What is most painful about my life is the idea of what could have been. I was attractive and was intelligent. I could have had a decent life if I hadn't been attacked, and instead I am living a life I don't want. And worst of all, some people don't believe me. I'm just some crazy freak and no one believes me, basically, or at least it feels like that.
And with my best friend being dead, and being pissed at me prior to dying, I feel like it's really time to go. I also am in too much emotional pain to work easily and dealing with financial realities and poverty is scary and demeaning and I just want out of all of this. The world seems to rapidly descending into some corporate plutocratic hellscape in which science is ignored and eventually the planet is going to hit that tipping point, with horrible sudden consequences. I perhaps will be lucky enough to not be here when that happens.
So I'm just having another terrible day, my situation is so uncertain and financially uncertain, and I'm just so profoundly unhappy. There are still some things I'd like to do, but I'm just too unhappy right now to do them, perhaps. It may be I am not dead within 2 years, it may be I can never ctb, but it may end up being a lot sooner. I feel like I have a good reason for ctb at this point and this is not a solvable problem or something that can be easily changed.
I'm just so damn tired of having horrible days. I'm considering this evening doing it sooner than I had anticipated. I probably won't. Pro-lifers scare me. Ijustwishtodie felt this way too: that the threat of being forced to stay alive is such a real fear that it may be worth dying now to avoid the cruelty of pro-lifers demanding we suffer. And if I don't work and say I am too disabled to work due to depression, I risk being forced on psychiatric medication and having to interact with people in the mental health industry, whose cruel kindness I absolutely do not want.
every time i try it goes badly
My "good" days are decent at best. Like a good day is when nothing that terrible happens, just like moderate sadness. The bad days are just awful: physical pain, sadness, loneliness, rage, despair, all just overwhelming me.
And then I think about the future.
Because I was the victim of sexual violence and don't really see dating as a viable option for me, I'm pretty much doomed to a life of celibacy (or jerking-off). It's a different kind of inceldom because, at least at one point, people wanted to have sex with me. People probably in theory still want to have sex with me, not knowing about the injuries from the sexual violence. But if they did know, if they knew how much I disliked sex, how difficult it is for me to orgasm now, and how I sometimes have flashbacks, I just think knowing all of it they would not be interested. Even if I can reel someone in to sleep with me, I haven't enjoyed it since the injuries and it never lasts beyond a night, unlike before when I dated people and people wanted me.
So knowing that all the sorrow that is in store for me, the best I can really do in a day is have a day that's decent: that's the new apex. The only exception is if I am on drugs. When I am on drugs, I feel better than decent, but then it's a lie because I'm on drugs and it's not real, and worse, I will feel much worse the next day (unless I do more drugs) and ultimately the drugs make my brain issues even worse. So ignoring the quicksand trap of drugs, I'm left with either decent or terrible, without any joy to ever balance it out.
I really hope I'm not here in another few years and I get the recklessness or fearlessness to end things.
What is most painful about my life is the idea of what could have been. I was attractive and was intelligent. I could have had a decent life if I hadn't been attacked, and instead I am living a life I don't want. And worst of all, some people don't believe me. I'm just some crazy freak and no one believes me, basically, or at least it feels like that.
And with my best friend being dead, and being pissed at me prior to dying, I feel like it's really time to go. I also am in too much emotional pain to work easily and dealing with financial realities and poverty is scary and demeaning and I just want out of all of this. The world seems to rapidly descending into some corporate plutocratic hellscape in which science is ignored and eventually the planet is going to hit that tipping point, with horrible sudden consequences. I perhaps will be lucky enough to not be here when that happens.
So I'm just having another terrible day, my situation is so uncertain and financially uncertain, and I'm just so profoundly unhappy. There are still some things I'd like to do, but I'm just too unhappy right now to do them, perhaps. It may be I am not dead within 2 years, it may be I can never ctb, but it may end up being a lot sooner. I feel like I have a good reason for ctb at this point and this is not a solvable problem or something that can be easily changed.
I'm just so damn tired of having horrible days. I'm considering this evening doing it sooner than I had anticipated. I probably won't. Pro-lifers scare me. Ijustwishtodie felt this way too: that the threat of being forced to stay alive is such a real fear that it may be worth dying now to avoid the cruelty of pro-lifers demanding we suffer. And if I don't work and say I am too disabled to work due to depression, I risk being forced on psychiatric medication and having to interact with people in the mental health industry, whose cruel kindness I absolutely do not want.
every time i try it goes badly
