I feel like I would be happier dead but my suicidal urges are less than before. I feel frustrated with this for some reason. I don't even get why I'm feeling this way. I'm depressed as hell and my happiness is so off. I hypothetically want to see the future but I feel repulsed by myself and my circumstances. Feeling suicidal gives me comfort and so I want to feel it again? IDK I just want to get it back to where i was before even though I was miserable.
I can commiserate. I seem to have lost my suicidal urge, too, and it frustrates me to be in this in-between space where I don't want to live but don't want to die either.
Maybe you're scared of what the future holds. You fear being disappointed if it doesn't go well. Why do you feel you'd be happier dead?
divinemistress36
Visionary
- Jan 1, 2024
- 2,793
Oddly enough there is a level of comfort in suicidal ideation
I feel exactly the same, I wish I'd feel so bad that I would kill myself instantly. Now I feel like I have to "live" the rest of my life in between life and death which is hell!
thenorthern
Member
- Sep 19, 2024
- 80
Sorry that you are feeling bad about it but it might be a blessing in a week or two you never know. Just hope the best for you no matter what.
maynoname
Student
- Aug 13, 2024
- 153
I understand you perfectly. I'm not as deep in the hole as I used to be. But it also allowed me to organize myself and avoid doing something impulsive that doesn't work.
Also something positive happened to me recently. I'm just trying to enjoy these last moments. And as soon as the negative prevails I will have what I need to leave, that reassures me.
Also something positive happened to me recently. I'm just trying to enjoy these last moments. And as soon as the negative prevails I will have what I need to leave, that reassures me.
That's great! I'm so glad that it's working out for you. I was thinking of using this time to organize as well and then getting the materials I needed because I actually dont think I like my method very much.
I started thinking of it that way and I think I'm getting my groove back a little
Yeah, definitely...without the ideation I'm starting to feel a little trapped.
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complex
Member
- Aug 22, 2024
- 53
I hear you. Today is a day i have no urge to die, just not exist, which i can today as no one knows I exist today as am home alone. I may even feel this way at work tomorrow but if not hey i had today and may have another. It gave me a chance to plough forward with my method and i think i have decided and am near sorted.
I would be happier dead because I have Body dysmorphia which gets worse as you age and I'm already aging badly due to genetics and poor decisions. It'll be a lifetime of increasing agony for me.
I'm sorry you're going through it as well. As others have said, I think I'll use this time to plan my ctb. I can't believe that things will get better and so living just to be alive is not working for me. Thinking of how things will truly only get worse from here is messing me up.
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I feel the same. It's frustrating, especially cause I had a plan and everything in motion but now its stuck in limbo for now. It's almost like a cruel joke, huh?
Yeah it's the worst. Sometimes I can't believe how much worse it is. I KNOW I'm not getting any happier and am ready to go!
indefinitesleep
Im out
- Jun 29, 2024
- 130
this has been me for a few weeks, its like Ive just gotten used to the things which made me feel like ending it, whole things a bit annoying, though I know Im still suicidal albeit less. If I wasnt suicidal I wouldnt want to feel more suicidal Id just get on with my life.
maynoname
Student
- Aug 13, 2024
- 153
Unknown21
?/?/2024
- Apr 25, 2023
- 941
I have everything for a year now for SN Method but I am still stuck in a hellish cycle, sometimes my suicidal tendencies are high and I am careless and completely ready to do it and other times it is less so. The sad thing is that SN requires planning and organization and cannot be done in a rush, so the probability of backing out of trying is high. It is complex and tiring.
I'm also back at it and better than ever with the urge to die
Super. Even the most suicidal people here have backed out of this method and easier ones. I dont even have the Benzos which is the sedating factor here. It really sucks big time.
maynoname
Student
- Aug 13, 2024
- 153
If only society understood us… but… i forgot it's possible to heal lol.
uniqueusername4
died a long time ago
- Aug 13, 2023
- 182
This is a good point! Thanks for adding this
Ugh, I'm sorry :/ I wish is was easier to go in a very quick way that was also peaceful.
I get this. It isn't like once you aren't suicidal that you're taking care of yourself great and life is rainbows. My life is still hell. I just want things to get better more than I want to ctb in that moment. It sucks because being stuck in this cycle, I get anxious about all the time I am wasting and how bad it is for my body to live off of dr. pepper, weed, and the occasional fast food meal. I used to eat a plant based whole foods diet, meal prep, and exercise all week. Now I'm stuck in this hellish limbo. It really sucks, I think this is the hardest part because there is no relief from the feeling of possibly catching the bus. I empathize with you
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I know. It so devastating when you can't feel enough suicidal and I even start to question myself why did I wanted to die so bad? But when I try to remember everything from the past, and the present and the future I'm heading to it makes me sick to the core.
Tbh I just want to suicidal everyday cause I have reached the point where I know nothing is going to make me peaceful than death and end. I can't even love anyone anymore. I don't have even one friend who I can talk to. I don't even want to try anymore now. I have thought of ending after my semester ends. But if it doesn't I just want to end it before the year ends.
Tbh I just want to suicidal everyday cause I have reached the point where I know nothing is going to make me peaceful than death and end. I can't even love anyone anymore. I don't have even one friend who I can talk to. I don't even want to try anymore now. I have thought of ending after my semester ends. But if it doesn't I just want to end it before the year ends.
Same, I just feel nausea at what I have to deal with now and if I have to continue to face the future I'm going to become frantic about it.
I understand not liking your body but yeah it makes sense. That sounds tough.I would be happier dead because I have Body dysmorphia which gets worse as you age and I'm already aging badly due to genetics and poor decisions. It'll be a lifetime of increasing agony for me.
I'm sorry you're going through it as well. As others have said, I think I'll use this time to plan my ctb. I can't believe that things will get better and so living just to be alive is not working for me. Thinking of how things will truly only get worse from here is messing me up.
Yep, at least you know what your going to do and what the future holds. When your stuck in the limbo of not wanting to live or die and just going through the motions for whatever reason everything feels aimless. I can empathize with the OP because I want to be gone badly but I feel as though I need a final push to go through with things and it doesn't help that people are giving me slivers of hope for the future and even though I know from experience that such won't pan out I keep thinking deep down "maybe this time things will work" and no matter how hard I fight against what is likely false hope I am a curious being as I am human so I feel the desire to see where things lead.
It's like watching a series you are into and your half-way through the season and want to shelve it as you know it's likely going to just be filled to the brim with cliché but you just have to know how things will pan out so you continue watching it anyways despite the obvious disappointment you'll face by the end.
I blame all of this on the human condition and it's funny how the only cures for this are either succeeding in realizing your ambitions come to fruition or CTB but only the latter option offers a true ending to the story because as we all know that nobody can stay at the top forever and you'll eventually tumble back down, maybe not to the bottom but it takes a LOT of effort to get back to where you were which requires energy, dedication, and luck and it all just ends up becoming a convoluted mess where your left thinking "holy shit, what happened?" and then fast-forward a few decades and your in a nursing home eating through a straw and taking pill cocktails until you end up in the same place anyways.
Life isn't rocket science but you'd think it was considering how our brains are wired and detangling such is an impossible task to say the least but recognizing such is fully within our capabilities.
Ramsay Fiction
Soulburner
- Aug 15, 2024
- 54
Accepting the thoughts and feelings of being in a suicidal dark place brings comfort and peace to me, so when I have a period where I cycle out of it for awhile it's frustrating and scary. Because I know the suicidal ideation will return, but then I feel like I'm starting over the process of acceptance and it's really not a pleasant ordeal.
