Venting Angry

[seekingoblivion]

Man I'm pissed as fuck right now. Like I was all fucking good not existing and shit now suddenly BOOM these two motherfuckers who shouldn't be fucking go on and fuck and produce a fucked up piece of fuck like me. FUCK!!! The worst fucking part is I can't blame them for my stupidity so all the anger frustration and hatred I have to direct to myself cause goddamnit I'm a piece of refined shit. And I can't let go of that anger cause for fucks sake I hate being alive!!! And I hate myself also for being too chicken shit to end it. I'm an all round worthless creature.

 

[Blue Moon]

Existence is a sick joke.

 

[TheLastGoodbye]

I feel the same way. I didn't ask to be here and I didn't deserve to be neglected and abused. And I do blame them for my stupidity. I was neglected and had very little interaction with my parents or anyone at the time when my brain needed that interaction to develop properly. I'm also pretty sure my mom drank and didn't take care.of herself while she was pregnant with me. I also have a feeling my dad beat my mom while she was pregnant with me (he beat and abused her regularly when i was a kid and it's always been pretty clear that he never wanted me). I have a photo album of me and it's pretty clear that i was severely depressed as a child but no one did anything about it. And it sucks because i have to live with it and there's nothing I can do about it. Life isn't fair, and anyone who thinks it is clearly didn't end up with the short end of the stick. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one and it's not your fault. And you're definitely not worthless, so stop blaming yourself. Oh, and CTB isn't easy; SI is a bitch! A lot of us wouldn't still be here if that wasn't the case. Anyway, I hope things get better for you before you get to that point. Take care.

 

[seekingoblivion]

I feel the same way. I didn't ask to be here and I didn't deserve to be neglected and abused. And I do blame them for my stupidity. I was neglected and had very little interaction with my parents or anyone at the time when my brain needed that interaction to develop properly. I'm also pretty sure my mom drank and didn't take care.of herself while she was pregnant with me. I also have a feeling my dad beat my mom while she was pregnant with me (he beat and abused her regularly when i was a kid and it's always been pretty clear that he never wanted me). I have a photo album of me and it's pretty clear that i was severely depressed as a child but no one did anything about it. And it sucks because i have to live with it and there's nothing I can do about it. Life isn't fair, and anyone who thinks it is clearly didn't end up with the short end of the stick. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one and it's not your fault. And you're definitely not worthless, so stop blaming yourself. Oh, and CTB isn't easy; SI is a bitch! A lot of us wouldn't still be here if that wasn't the case. Anyway, I hope things get better for you before you get to that point. Take care.

Gosh I'm sorry for everything that happened to you. You really did not deserve any of that pain. No one does. I was a pretty miserable kid too and to most it was a laughing and mocking point and to my mum it was just annoying and irritating. I don't know how not to blame myself though. Cause the problem just keeps coming back to me being not good enough at every stage.

Yeah SI is a bitch. I wanna start practicing for hanging. Last time I tried partial the discomfort got way too much to continue and I chickened out. So I wanna get myself used to some of the feelings and sensations and also place the ligature on the right spot.

Thank you for your kindness and for sharing your own experience. I'm sorry you've had to deal with your own personal hell as well.

Cheers.

 

[TheLastGoodbye]

Well, when you do blame yourself, just remember that you're mostly who you are because of your upbringing, which you had no control over. I think you're being too hard on yourself when you say you're not good enough. I'm guessing other people, probably the ones who raised you, have too high of an expectation of you. Have you talked to a therapist or anyone about this stuff?

I'd be very careful if you're practicing hanging. A practice run can easily turn out to be the real thing, and if you're found too early, you could end up a vegetable. If you haven't sought help yet, I hope you'd do so before you continue practicing. I think you probably are good enough under reasonable expectations and I think if you can get over blaming yourself you'd feel a lot better about things. (Sorry, don't mean to sound like a parent or anything and I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know, but I feel better saying it just in case )

Take care

 

[seekingoblivion]

Well, when you do blame yourself, just remember that you're mostly who you are because of your upbringing, which you had no control over. I think you're being too hard on yourself when you say you're not good enough. I'm guessing other people, probably the ones who raised you, have too high of an expectation of you. Have you talked to a therapist or anyone about this stuff?

I'd be very careful if you're practicing hanging. A practice run can easily turn out to be the real thing, and if you're found too early, you could end up a vegetable. If you haven't sought help yet, I hope you'd do so before you continue practicing. I think you probably are good enough under reasonable expectations and I think if you can get over blaming yourself you'd feel a lot better about things. (Sorry, don't mean to sound like a parent or anything and I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know, but I feel better saying it just in case )

Take care

Even if I wanted to I'm too broke to talk to a therapist. And there's very few here.
Yeah I know it can turn into the real deal. I'll try to be careful but if it so happens I end up in the real thing then I just hope no one will find me. I'll be practicing at night to reduce chances of discovery.

 

[justanotherday]

I have anger too. I have yet to find a way to deal with it. If kind of scares me, because I am afraid I am going to snap at somebody.

 

[Moonicide]

I understand and relate a lot, love. I'm so sorry you're holding in so much anger and are carrying it with you... Today is one of those days where I am absolutely angry too. I was supposed to be aborted, but my mother was too far along. I could just cry thinking about it. I was better off not existing, it hurts too much. Knowing you were meant to not be alive is one of the most painful things for me, as I don't want to be alive.

Sending you lots of love and support your way.