Venting angry thoughts

[fleshgarden]

I have been feeling so weird lately, my emotions are getting so intense, I've been feeling so suicidal, I've barely cut myself for months but suddenly I cut myself all over my whole body .. even when I feel happy it feel like I'm going crazy .. I've been getting so angry that I can't do anything but hit myself and bite my hands very hard.. it's getting very stressful and hard.. I have just been wanting to die, however I've been getting incredibly existential, what happens after death is completely scary to me.. I want to die very badly, but the thought of death being nothingness forever is very scary. so I do not have any courage to kill myself. I'm stuck I'm fucking stuck and it's my own fault .. I can't stop thinking about death, how much I die, yet I think of how scary that would be .. I have nothing on earth for me and I feel it's scary ... no one will even help me.. they only help me if they want to feel better about themselves or they just want me to shut up .. the reason I made this post also is because I also have a couple mentally ill friends, one is from elementary school and now he is admitting himself to a mental hospital, and I started fucking raging I still feel really angry and I don't know why. I'm going to vent some selfish feelings, but I feel like no one ever helps me and as soon as I need help everyone starts needing help to and it's never about me it's about them and I am always expected to give something and never to be given something back.. so I am just angry because my friend is doing that, I know its selfish, , I really do not mean it, but I'm having such intense thoughts I kind of just want to do everything bad in front of my friends and scream and everything and I just want someone to care about me for once I just want to feel like I'm a part of the world for once but nothing ever matters in the end and I just wish I could die.. I just want someone to notice and maybe I could be given a chance to be a part of what everyone else has .. I am also feeling guilty because a part of me is also feeling like I go through things so much worse than he does, yet he is going to a mental hospital by his own hand .. I know that is completely unfair thing to think about, but I'd really rather let it out instead of exploding .. there is no worse or better .. and I also hate to burden people just by existing.. it's gotten to the point I notice that I kind of inconvenience people and my friends by being around them, I do not think I affect anyone positively, and I end up making so many mistakes I don't even know what to do anymore,.. I care about my friends, so I'd feel bad for abandoning them, but at the same time I don't want to ruin their lives anymore .. okay .. I think I'm a bit calmed down for now, sorry if it's too much.