VivaldiBR
Experienced
- Oct 4, 2020
- 249
After 3 months taking antidepressants and going to the therapy, I realized that the idealization in ctb have decreased, but it still present, especially when i get really frustrated.
Now for the most interesting part: I stopped hoping that my life will get better. I think as a self-defense act to not be frustrated and not be sad all the time. It happened naturally. Despite continuing to try to improve my life through more practical actions, I lost hope that one day I will make my dreams come true (and they are very modest; believe me).
The worst part is when I get off that "autopilot".
For example, I know or believe that I know that, today, I have very little chance of relating to someone I really love. Or even I have my self-esteem back to interact with women that I may want to know.
Now, the history: today, I was in an elevator in a building, and a woman about my age came in, and I was struck by how interesting and cute she was. She was dressed in a hippie style - she would be called "alternative" in my city. She has basically everything i feel attracted.
It was so frustrating to be there and to be so enchanted by a person and to know that I am not participating anymore in such basic things as going out to flirt or even have a self esteen to talk with her. I used to have those things.
She came totally by surprise and ruined my "autopilot". It's like fate gives me a reminder saying "your life stills sucks, ok?"
If that had happened two years ago, I would have found a way to get her number.
Now for the most interesting part: I stopped hoping that my life will get better. I think as a self-defense act to not be frustrated and not be sad all the time. It happened naturally. Despite continuing to try to improve my life through more practical actions, I lost hope that one day I will make my dreams come true (and they are very modest; believe me).
The worst part is when I get off that "autopilot".
For example, I know or believe that I know that, today, I have very little chance of relating to someone I really love. Or even I have my self-esteem back to interact with women that I may want to know.
Now, the history: today, I was in an elevator in a building, and a woman about my age came in, and I was struck by how interesting and cute she was. She was dressed in a hippie style - she would be called "alternative" in my city. She has basically everything i feel attracted.
It was so frustrating to be there and to be so enchanted by a person and to know that I am not participating anymore in such basic things as going out to flirt or even have a self esteen to talk with her. I used to have those things.
She came totally by surprise and ruined my "autopilot". It's like fate gives me a reminder saying "your life stills sucks, ok?"
If that had happened two years ago, I would have found a way to get her number.
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