An irresponsible selfish suicidal woman

[Justnotme]

I'm tired. I no longer have the strength even to carefully plan my departure from this body, from this "world"

I'm so tired that my family calls me irresponsible and selfish because I want to die.
They say that about me: "if I want to, I'll just die." Seriously? Do you really think that there are absolutely no multiple factors that led me to this "easy way out"?
You can see with your own eyes that I ONLY work, and on weekends I lie on the couch and rarely sit on the computer. Sometimes I don't even have the strength to drink water and get off the couch. I don't walk at all. I can hardly even go down to the store, although the op is a 5-minute walk from our house.
Sometimes I don't even have the energy to eat

All I do is read medical articles about various postmortem autopsies of corpses, study medical terms to better understand what can happen to me if I choose one or another method of suicide
My head is already full of this information
And I cry every morning because I don't have the strength to move at work.

I do not know what kind of "love" my family has for me, but we had a lot of conversations, thanks to which they could have understood who I am, what kind of person I am and what my attitude to death is.

They build their illusions about my happiness, they are satisfied that a dead man lives with them. I've been a dead man for a long time, who barely speaks.

I hate this hell.
I hate that I can't stop the violence and abuse of all living beings
I refuse to "live" here without being able to help all the mammals that are suffering, all the birds that are suffering, all the people who are suffering.

I hate this fight all over the system.

My happiness is the complete cessation of evil and cruelty
I don't need a child, I don't need a partner, I don't need a lot of money, I don't need ANYTHING
I only want stop evil and cruelty in the universe to end.
That's what my happiness is, which will never be

 

[LoopLooper]

Hey OP,

I relate to a lot of what you're saying, more specifically, the working part.

Personally, I find it insane how many people can tolerate working unfulfilling jobs with low-end pay and high-end hours for the rest of their lives as though that's not one of the worst fates one could possibly endure; at that point you're just living for the sake of it.

I don't think it's selfish at all to take matters into your own hands and look for something better, even if that something necessitates you or I being dead. Most people don't give thought to our ideas since most people don't think about their mortality too often, nor do most people have the incentives we have to think the way we do, and even if they have such incentives, they're generally too attached to their lives. However, it's natural that your death will cause a lot of pain to your loved ones, and they do have a right to feel that way, just as much as you have a right to go through with it, and if they have a problem with that, guess what? It's not your problem anymore. The dead don't have problems, after all.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so horrible how many humans are so cruel and insensitive in this world that is already filled with so much endless suffering. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for.