Hi!
I'm a new user to the site, but I've been lurking here since May. I've found that everyone here has been so kind to each other, and it made me feel comfortable enough to join after so long.
But I'm here because I've wanted to CTB ever since I was a young kid, it usually comes in waves but I feel myself falling into this pit time and time again and I can't get out. I don't want to get out. I find it almost comfortable because this is just how I've always felt and I know it isn't going to go away.
This morning, I was hanging out with my boyfriend to try and help myself feel better, but I kept falling asleep and spacing out imagining how I could potentially CTB. He recently came into my life and frankly he's made it tolerable, and most days I'm happy to be alive. He's great and I feel so lucky to have a guy like him, he wrote me a love letter the other day too. Before we started dating, I told him how I would get suicidal and he understood. I don't think I want to share with him how bad it's gotten. I don't want him to worry about me or have to deal with the burden of knowing that. I don't deserve him or any of the affection he gives, he's too good for me.
I harbor so much guilt just for being me and living in my skin, I'm embarrassed of myself no matter what I do to help it. I don't like being paid attention to no matter where I'm at, it's a type of guilt I can't shake. My self worth is at an all time low even though I'm still making an effort to look like I'm fine (going to the gym, eating, dressing nice), I feel like I'll reach a point where I stop caring about all of that and it won't matter. No one sees that I'm on my last leg, and I'm okay with it.
I've been trying to get my affairs in order before I make an official plan to CTB like writing notes to my folks, giving away clothes and little items in my room, and just making sure the people I love know it. I know I'll miss out on events like weddings or Thanksgiving dinners with my folks, and I hate it. I love them all so much but I see no future for myself, it's as though I'm destined to fail.
I'm a new user to the site, but I've been lurking here since May. I've found that everyone here has been so kind to each other, and it made me feel comfortable enough to join after so long.
But I'm here because I've wanted to CTB ever since I was a young kid, it usually comes in waves but I feel myself falling into this pit time and time again and I can't get out. I don't want to get out. I find it almost comfortable because this is just how I've always felt and I know it isn't going to go away.
This morning, I was hanging out with my boyfriend to try and help myself feel better, but I kept falling asleep and spacing out imagining how I could potentially CTB. He recently came into my life and frankly he's made it tolerable, and most days I'm happy to be alive. He's great and I feel so lucky to have a guy like him, he wrote me a love letter the other day too. Before we started dating, I told him how I would get suicidal and he understood. I don't think I want to share with him how bad it's gotten. I don't want him to worry about me or have to deal with the burden of knowing that. I don't deserve him or any of the affection he gives, he's too good for me.
I harbor so much guilt just for being me and living in my skin, I'm embarrassed of myself no matter what I do to help it. I don't like being paid attention to no matter where I'm at, it's a type of guilt I can't shake. My self worth is at an all time low even though I'm still making an effort to look like I'm fine (going to the gym, eating, dressing nice), I feel like I'll reach a point where I stop caring about all of that and it won't matter. No one sees that I'm on my last leg, and I'm okay with it.
I've been trying to get my affairs in order before I make an official plan to CTB like writing notes to my folks, giving away clothes and little items in my room, and just making sure the people I love know it. I know I'll miss out on events like weddings or Thanksgiving dinners with my folks, and I hate it. I love them all so much but I see no future for myself, it's as though I'm destined to fail.
