R-7
iHeartTomoko
- Sep 30, 2025
- 17
Before I begin writing this I would like to thank the user 'DoAnythingMore' for being so kind to me in our discussions over private conversations. I really appreciate it and hope that we can continue to talk soon.
I've never really made a forum post before so I apologize if it's incredibly long winded and rambley. I don't even really know where I'm going to go with this but it just felt like a good idea to do.. Either way I guess I should either begin or throw this post away.
I was born to a loving mother and an abusive father. I had some medical stuff that was wrong with me (that I'd really rather not get into here) that my dad would always try and use against me whenever he could. He told me that "there was no excuse" for it or that it was nothing but "pure damned laziness." etc. and this was pretty much my earliest memories.
I remember being bullied constantly in school more so than almost anybody in our class for multiple years (we had the same teacher for the 4th & 5th grades) and you can imagine how that would wear one down quite a bit I'm sure. As school let out though I would come home to fighting the majority of the time. I remember one time taking a trip with a friend back in the early 2010s and feeling good about myself. I heard fighting within the first 20 minutes of being home and I just thought to myself "Oh. That's right. I live here."
My dad was abusive and took his frustrations out on all of us.
My mom tried but even she had her flaws.
My brother didn't care much about me and that was obvious.
I cared about them all though. As a dumb and naive little kid you just see them as your family. At least I did.
Although he's gotten better about it since my best friend spent our childhood constantly reminding me that I was stupid which took it's own toll.
The first woman that I ever loved somehow made everything seem alright for one year that I'll never forget though we never made it through to the point where we were in a relationship (so I don't feel right calling her my 'ex') but she was good to me up until she dropped the news that she was getting with another guy which is where I feel like my depression started but the reality is that I was screwed up in the head long before that. It was more that it was when I became aware. One of my best friends just suddenly turned into a source of pain in the blink of an eye. The silver lining is that we have talked since and we put any badness behind us. I am eternally grateful for that.
Eventually I realized that the depression wasn't her fault and (unhealthily so) I told myself everything would be alright as long as I hard her. When what we had suddenly went away I felt like I just suddenly got hit by the realization of just how terrible everything in my life was and I couldn't take it. That was 15 years ago.
In the time immediately following I remember having a massive panic attack and crying myself to sleep over and over again all while often praying for death.
This went on for years and was what my teenage years became.
I was also homeschooled after 5th grade which is a decision that I believe severely hurt my development thanks to just how isolated I was from basically everybody aside from the people I knew on the internet and that one friend that I did (and still) call my best friend despite it all. He really is a good guy despite how I complained about him earlier. We've fought a lot but he and I both understand that at the end of the day we're friends for life. I am lucky to have him.
As my depression really set in I ended up just wanting to do what I can to help those who were around me. Unfortunately this came with the harsh lesson that you can really try too hard to help someone and as a result that same friend refers to me as a 'source of self loathing' which hurts about as much as you might expect it to from somebody who I've called a friend for all of those years. I still call them a friend though.
Eventually though I ended up seeing my family fall apart starting with my mom passing away from cancer in 2016. I could barely even believe it was happening at the time but it was like the one person in my life who I knew for sure cared about me and wanted to help me succeed in this world just wilted like a dying flower over the course of one terrible summer. My mind could barely process the emotions of her passing as I would be happy that she was no longer suffering one moment and faster than you could snap your fingers I would just be breaking down. I loved her and still do an awful lot which pains me that my most vivid memory involving her was her looking me in the eyes and asking "What are you good for?"
Four months after my mom passed away my dad (though I don't feel he deserves to be called that anymore) threw me and my brother away by kicking us out of the house just before New Year's and not really caring at all what would have become of us. Thankfully my uncle and my grandmother were willing to take us both in so we narrowly avoided ending up homeless. If I did end up homeless I probably would have ended my own life by now as I can't see a conceivable way that I could come back from that.
And finally for reasons I will not elaborate on my brother was arrested a few years ago and I do not think I will ever see him again which means that the entire family that I grew up with is just gone and that's been about as hard to stomach as you might expect.
I found a second person that I loved at some point and things were wonderful (as far as I knew anyway) for nearly 6 years of our relationship plus another 6 years or so of just being really good friends. Our connection was wonderful but unfortunately at the start of this year we had a big fight (I don't want to go into details, I'm sick of reliving that day) and she left my life. In nearly every attempted correspondence we've had since she has come up with a new reason why our time together was just the most terrible thing ever so I've given up trying to reconnect so I can finally try to move on.
With all of this is it any wonder why I feel less than other people? Is it any shock that I have completely lost the ability to believe in myself? I don't think so.
It always feels selfish to say 'I've been through a lot' but I certainly do think it pretty often. My life has been marred by abandonment, loss and a general feeling that I'm not good enough for anybody. I even hear my uncle every now and again insulting me for whatever it is I'm not doing exactly to his liking. It hurts to get that from people that you care about or look up to, it really does.
I think about CTB almost every waking moment of every day where I am not distracted by video games or something else and even then it is on the back of my head. I feel as though I am losing my fight with depression and the only thing keeping me here is a hesitation to hurt those around me and trying to figure out a method. For the moment I am considering partial hanging since I'm tall and I don't have a lot of options around me for full hanging so that seems like my best bet but we'll just have to see if anything comes of it.
I've been dealing with abuse and mental health problems from a very young age. Thanks to my dad's abuse it's like I got off on the wrong foot with reality; as the title says: I don't feel like I ever really had a chance. Maybe some miracle will happen at some point that'll turn things around (and I really do hope to God it does) but I can't hold out forever and it feels like all of this just feels like too much for me to handle. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be much more than a teenager. I don't know.
If you have read this whole thing I thank you very much for doing so.
I've never really made a forum post before so I apologize if it's incredibly long winded and rambley. I don't even really know where I'm going to go with this but it just felt like a good idea to do.. Either way I guess I should either begin or throw this post away.
I was born to a loving mother and an abusive father. I had some medical stuff that was wrong with me (that I'd really rather not get into here) that my dad would always try and use against me whenever he could. He told me that "there was no excuse" for it or that it was nothing but "pure damned laziness." etc. and this was pretty much my earliest memories.
I remember being bullied constantly in school more so than almost anybody in our class for multiple years (we had the same teacher for the 4th & 5th grades) and you can imagine how that would wear one down quite a bit I'm sure. As school let out though I would come home to fighting the majority of the time. I remember one time taking a trip with a friend back in the early 2010s and feeling good about myself. I heard fighting within the first 20 minutes of being home and I just thought to myself "Oh. That's right. I live here."
My dad was abusive and took his frustrations out on all of us.
My mom tried but even she had her flaws.
My brother didn't care much about me and that was obvious.
I cared about them all though. As a dumb and naive little kid you just see them as your family. At least I did.
Although he's gotten better about it since my best friend spent our childhood constantly reminding me that I was stupid which took it's own toll.
The first woman that I ever loved somehow made everything seem alright for one year that I'll never forget though we never made it through to the point where we were in a relationship (so I don't feel right calling her my 'ex') but she was good to me up until she dropped the news that she was getting with another guy which is where I feel like my depression started but the reality is that I was screwed up in the head long before that. It was more that it was when I became aware. One of my best friends just suddenly turned into a source of pain in the blink of an eye. The silver lining is that we have talked since and we put any badness behind us. I am eternally grateful for that.
Eventually I realized that the depression wasn't her fault and (unhealthily so) I told myself everything would be alright as long as I hard her. When what we had suddenly went away I felt like I just suddenly got hit by the realization of just how terrible everything in my life was and I couldn't take it. That was 15 years ago.
In the time immediately following I remember having a massive panic attack and crying myself to sleep over and over again all while often praying for death.
This went on for years and was what my teenage years became.
I was also homeschooled after 5th grade which is a decision that I believe severely hurt my development thanks to just how isolated I was from basically everybody aside from the people I knew on the internet and that one friend that I did (and still) call my best friend despite it all. He really is a good guy despite how I complained about him earlier. We've fought a lot but he and I both understand that at the end of the day we're friends for life. I am lucky to have him.
As my depression really set in I ended up just wanting to do what I can to help those who were around me. Unfortunately this came with the harsh lesson that you can really try too hard to help someone and as a result that same friend refers to me as a 'source of self loathing' which hurts about as much as you might expect it to from somebody who I've called a friend for all of those years. I still call them a friend though.
Eventually though I ended up seeing my family fall apart starting with my mom passing away from cancer in 2016. I could barely even believe it was happening at the time but it was like the one person in my life who I knew for sure cared about me and wanted to help me succeed in this world just wilted like a dying flower over the course of one terrible summer. My mind could barely process the emotions of her passing as I would be happy that she was no longer suffering one moment and faster than you could snap your fingers I would just be breaking down. I loved her and still do an awful lot which pains me that my most vivid memory involving her was her looking me in the eyes and asking "What are you good for?"
Four months after my mom passed away my dad (though I don't feel he deserves to be called that anymore) threw me and my brother away by kicking us out of the house just before New Year's and not really caring at all what would have become of us. Thankfully my uncle and my grandmother were willing to take us both in so we narrowly avoided ending up homeless. If I did end up homeless I probably would have ended my own life by now as I can't see a conceivable way that I could come back from that.
And finally for reasons I will not elaborate on my brother was arrested a few years ago and I do not think I will ever see him again which means that the entire family that I grew up with is just gone and that's been about as hard to stomach as you might expect.
I found a second person that I loved at some point and things were wonderful (as far as I knew anyway) for nearly 6 years of our relationship plus another 6 years or so of just being really good friends. Our connection was wonderful but unfortunately at the start of this year we had a big fight (I don't want to go into details, I'm sick of reliving that day) and she left my life. In nearly every attempted correspondence we've had since she has come up with a new reason why our time together was just the most terrible thing ever so I've given up trying to reconnect so I can finally try to move on.
With all of this is it any wonder why I feel less than other people? Is it any shock that I have completely lost the ability to believe in myself? I don't think so.
It always feels selfish to say 'I've been through a lot' but I certainly do think it pretty often. My life has been marred by abandonment, loss and a general feeling that I'm not good enough for anybody. I even hear my uncle every now and again insulting me for whatever it is I'm not doing exactly to his liking. It hurts to get that from people that you care about or look up to, it really does.
I think about CTB almost every waking moment of every day where I am not distracted by video games or something else and even then it is on the back of my head. I feel as though I am losing my fight with depression and the only thing keeping me here is a hesitation to hurt those around me and trying to figure out a method. For the moment I am considering partial hanging since I'm tall and I don't have a lot of options around me for full hanging so that seems like my best bet but we'll just have to see if anything comes of it.
I've been dealing with abuse and mental health problems from a very young age. Thanks to my dad's abuse it's like I got off on the wrong foot with reality; as the title says: I don't feel like I ever really had a chance. Maybe some miracle will happen at some point that'll turn things around (and I really do hope to God it does) but I can't hold out forever and it feels like all of this just feels like too much for me to handle. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be much more than a teenager. I don't know.
If you have read this whole thing I thank you very much for doing so.
