Venting An ex-SaSu member ctb today, around 2 1/2 hours ago

[Suicidebydeath]

I was probably the last person she spoke to. I can't say which method but it seemed relatively painless. I should be feeling more but I'm more scared than ever now for the next person I know that is suicidal. She didn't tell me she was doing it until about an hour before.

I want to say more here but I'm going to wait for confirmation of their death, however it's very likely without medical intervention.

The most scary thing is that it was sudden and their ctb date jumped forward by 3 months (it was April, and they live far away internationally). Hopefully they found peace, but I'm more worried than ever that the person I care about most could ctb in the same way, without advance notice. I cared about both of them, and despite what she's been through I thought she would hang on for longer. I might be experiencing denial right now, need to wait 1-2 days to see whether I hear back from them or not before it sinks in.

They were under a lot of stress at the time. When I asked why they felt they had to go today. "i don't know exactly it's beome too heavy on me. I can't fool myself anymore, it doesn't change. i don't get better." - which is sad because I can relate to feeling that way but also I know that things can change even if it's not what you want and it's a long-term rollercoaster, also I wouldn't be here if I had got what I want from life. I could still get it but the person I care about is suicidal.

I wouldn't be any different to them because if I had access to a peaceful method there are probably some days I might have taken it. It's kind of terrible knowing that, even though I'm not sure if I would take it or not. I know having access makes some people feel better but it would probably make me feel worse.


Thank you for reacts. I wish I felt more but I'm just numb all of the time. That will protect me if more people ctb but at what cost. It's like I don't have a soul anymore. I care a lot about the perpetrator that hurt her in her last few weeks receiving justice, I care that she passed peacefully with her brain on a high to prevent any kind of death-nightmare before total ctb. I worry about the person I care about most could ctb at any time.

 

[noname223]

I also wondered what would happen if I had a lethal peaceful method at my home. I was really much ruminating to order something during my last extreme suicidal period. It was really a difficult choice but I did not order it. I was scared I would ruminate every day whether I should take it or not. And not being able to be productive knowing I have it at home. I know there are also contra arguments to this decision.

Moreover I want to add something. The situation you described is for me a reason why I don't want to become too close with other members on this forum. Sometimes it is really difficult. But I am too scared of getting traumatized when someone close to me would ctb. In some way this is selfish. On the other hand I am really vulnerable and my brain is already way too fucked.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

The biggest scare to me of owning a peaceful method at home, besides that I might take it on one of my worst days, say if something bad happened to me, when I wasn't really certain that it was the best time, because of responsibilities and things. Is if someone else found it, or accidentally took it and died of it. I couldn't bear either of those things.

I think the second thing you mentioned is completely normal. Most people probably feel that way. I just know that I can handle it, which I kinda hate that I can. I do get a ton of anxiety from people telling me they want to ctb if I care about them, but after they're gone, I don't know. I think because I didn't know them for long, and not in real life. I don't know really why I can handle it right now, I just can.

Actually my chest hurts now. I'll take some aspirin I can't really go anywhere because I know someone is having a bad day especially today and I want to be there for them. If they ctb as well I'm fucked.

 

[Depressed Cat]

This is so sad to read. My heartfelt condolences to you, her family and friends.

I hope her exit was peaceful and that she finds everlasting peace.

 

[Crazy4u]

The biggest scare to me of owning a peaceful method at home, besides that I might take it on one of my worst days, say if something bad happened to me, when I wasn't really certain that it was the best time, because of responsibilities and things. Is if someone else found it, or accidentally took it and died of it. I couldn't bear either of those things.

I think the second thing you mentioned is completely normal. Most people probably feel that way. I just know that I can handle it, which I kinda hate that I can. I do get a ton of anxiety from people telling me they want to ctb if I care about them, but after they're gone, I don't know. I think because I didn't know them for long, and not in real life. I don't know really why I can handle it right now, I just can.

and that is why we need affordable suicide clinics. They have waiting period and questionnaire and they ask the person several times if they are sure about it. There is also no fear of failed attempt, becoming vegetable, or getting locked up for the suicide attempt.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I ran out of words to say to her in the end, besides think nice thoughts and pamper her brain because it's the last time she'll have with it. So I sent her a few images I think these are some of the last images she saw.
She spoke to her shitty bastard ex about 5-10 minutes before she ctb.
She wished me a happy life, and before that wished that the person I care about most didn't ctb and stayed with me. She asked me please to be careful and strong.
She was most afraid that her method would not succeed and was listening to her favourite songs.
I confirmed with her that she didn't do anything wrong by her ex and that would go to a peaceful place and that I would careful and strong for the person I care about most.
Her suicide note was short, did not mention what her ex did to her and just read "Mom, I'm sorry, live happily"
She was crying and drank some tea before the attempt. The crying worried me because it seemed like she didn't really want to die but felt she had no other choice.
She saw me as a parental figure and asked me for advice because she didn't have two parents and was a little astranged from her mom, her mom had close ties to her ex and was hard on her before ctb, which I think is very sad indeed.

 

[Somber]

My condolences for your loss and her loved ones. For whatever it's worth, I'm pretty sure she appreciated you being there for her. Nobody should die alone.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Talking about it helps a little I guess, I cried a little. It's really difficult to cry for some reason.

 

[Somber]

You don't have to cry. It's not as if not doing so invalidates your feelings. There are times I can't cry either even if I do feel that it might help me and other times I can't stop crying. Emotions are just complicated.

 

[Sherri]

Sorry for your loss sweetie, a big hug to you and sorry to the relatives. May that soul fly high and find peace. :(

 

[Live Free or Die]

I am so sorry. I hope they have found the peace and serenity that were searching for. I hope too that you can find some peace and solace.

 

[NotStrongEnough]

I am so sorry!
You lost someone dear to you. We all understand what it means to want to CTB but that doesn't mean when someone does, that we won't be sad about it. The ones that are still living do have to deal with the loss of the person who's gone. If you don't want to cry, don't feel like crying now, it's ok to just be sad. No matter what you feel, it's valid. I'm kind of not surprised that she was crying. I know I will be. The positions we deal with are some of the heaviest, if not actually the heaviest, anyone can be in, especially right up to the end.

I have N here, and I couldn't even look at it at first. It took me almost 2 months to even take it out of its packaging. Now, it's stuffed in my "drug cubby", which is where I keep all the illicit substances I like to use. Things have been good the past couple months so I haven't wanted to as much. I have a feeling once I hit my next extreme depression, that's when I'll actually take it out of the cabinet and look at it, if not use it.

You're valid. Your feelings are valid. It's ok to feel anything you do. Plus you just found out, so it can take a bit of time to truly sink in.

Giant hugs <3

 

[Suicidebydeath]

They were a nice person that constantly wished for my greatest wish which is the person I care about most to not ctb. They're very young too, I didn't agree with her mom but I feel bad for her and her sister right now.

Trigger warning - big PTSD-related oof, in spoilers because it only really matters to me, and its tangential

Spoiler

I just realised one horrible thing is that her ex will get sympathy for her ctb when he was the one that did the most horrible things to her in her last few weeks of life. I hate that because the sympathy enables him to go on to do more horrible things without retaliation. I hate when something goes without justice.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

The crying worried me because it seemed like she didn't really want to die but felt she had no other choice.

This is what always worries me. There is always a choice and I want people who ctb to be making a conscious choice, not feeling like they have no other choices.

Remember to be gentle with yourself as you process all of this. You'll need time to heal from the psychic wounds from all of this.

As to your other friend, keep in mind that you can't make anyone do anything. You are not responsible for that person's choice, whatever it is.

We are here for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope they found peace and are free from suffering. At least they got a painless exit. I wish you the best.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

She saw me as a parental figure and asked me for advice because she didn't have two parents and was a little astranged from her mom, her mom had close ties to her ex and was hard on her before ctb, which I think is very sad indeed.

God damn. Your post broke me. Good on you for being there to the end. You did really good. She was lucky to not only not go out alone, but to have someone decent like you with them.

 

[InezSerrano]

View attachment 83865
I ran out of words to say to her in the end, besides think nice thoughts and pamper her brain because it's the last time she'll have with it. So I sent her a few images I think these are some of the last images she saw.
She spoke to her shitty bastard ex about 5-10 minutes before she ctb.
She wished me a happy life, and before that wished that the person I care about most didn't ctb and stayed with me. She asked me please to be careful and strong.
She was most afraid that her method would not succeed and was listening to her favourite songs.
I confirmed with her that she didn't do anything wrong by her ex and that would go to a peaceful place and that I would careful and strong for the person I care about most.
Her suicide note was short, did not mention what her ex did to her and just read "Mom, I'm sorry, live happily"
She was crying and drank some tea before the attempt. The crying worried me because it seemed like she didn't really want to die but felt she had no other choice.
She saw me as a parental figure and asked me for advice because she didn't have two parents and was a little astranged from her mom, her mom had close ties to her ex and was hard on her before ctb, which I think is very sad indeed.

"The crying worried me because it seemed like she didn't really want to die but felt she had no other choice." This is how I am when I'm suicidal. Not really wanting to be dead but seeing no other way. It really sucks.

 

[Life sucks]

I'm sorry you experienced loss of your friend.
I lost a lot of members and it still hurts, and I'm afraid about losing others I love here.

It's sad how life is, even when we want to leave the pain, the ending is very sad.

I wish you and everyone peace and no suffering, this life is cruel and bad. But even if it's very sad experience, they get peace at the end.

It's fine if you can't cry and feel numb, I have anhedonia sometimes and can't cry or express myself. But I know deep in my heart that I love the members and I'm sad. Even if memories and my life is temporary, I'll keep the members I love here in my heart forever or until the day I die/ctb.

Infinite love and hugs for you