Amusing story

[406blue]

I woke up this morning in my car in the woods after a failed attempt and using up half my meds. It was a hurried attempt and so my advice is to get organised and be sure what you're doing. After 12 hours asleep but still high on morphine i crashed the car and got a farmer to tow me out of the ditch. So now it's back to coals in the car or the plastic bag and drugs deal. I was trying to buy a house nearby and remembered that the barn door was open and the ancient owner was a cure', who had a stock of ancient alcohol from well wishers donating to christ.

I went round there at night, grabbed a bottle of teachers and set up a plastic bag, some elastic and my remaining diazepam and morphine and wrote various letters. Then i read a reply to a post about music and books i made earlier and listened to some schumann and drank some scotch and decided to put it all off until tomorrow because the music was so beautiful.

 

[wezel]

Then i read a reply to a post about music and books i made earlier and listened to some schumann and drank some scotch and decided to put it all off until tomorrow because the music was so beautiful.

Shit.
I didn't know...I am sorry you are where you are ( I am not far off it either ).
Don't know what to say really...it all sucks.

 

[406blue]

Thankyou. I've been not far off for a while also but take the view that it's inevitable, there are good days and bad but as the bad ones increase one is bound to get there eventually. I think there is an element of self disassociation involved. Increasingly when i look in the mirror i no longer see an entity i recognise as 'me' and all the story i associate with me. It makes it easier to see things in terms of the wheel of life and death when we lose the whole story we fabricate to construct a life and lose a little the fear of messing up this story.

 

[wezel]

Very lucid observation.
I have the same impression, but my old ego or passion for what I do ( music ) still perks up with force and in these moments all is well again, that jerks me around then. But life has dealt me bad cards now, no matter what books I read or music I obsess about, so it is also inevitable.
And sensitive people are traditionally more endangered than others.
A very well known musician I knew said once after a concert and a few beers:
"I just wish I wasn't such an oversensitive asshole."
Which summarises everything in a nutshell ( leave out the 'asshole', that was due to the beers...)

 

[406blue]

Wezel, all the best people i know suffer from this kind of thing. Kind, sincere and sensitive souls. This site is a real haven for realising that there are many out there who feel like aliens in this brutal society and i feel in the company of friends who don't judge me and understand the existential issues we try to deal with. In my more positive moments i feel like going back to india, to an ashram where i found some peace for a while. But this peace was an illusion after a while and i found myself once again with just me and the inner disharmony. But for anyone wanting to try to find something more interesting, another option before finishing things i recommend it. It might be inevitable in the end, like death, but one can maximize what one has and see some beauty. People live there in absolute squalor with no aspirations, which is inspiring. I hear the bells of the church outside, it must be a wedding.

 

[wezel]

Thank you for the recommendation reg. Ashram, I checked it out, I am sure that can be a great experience of some kind.
I am stuck at the moment where I am, but I will keep it in my mind.
The 'brutal society' is indeed prospering, I just watched a report about the horrendous pollution of the oceans with plastic, it is really quite unbelievable what is happening there...but people are like sheep: little thinking, no consideration for the other ( be it animals, nature or other human beings ), all in the name of money and convenience.
The chickens will come home to roost though, I am not gleeful about it, but either nature or the next major war ( nuclear ) will be unforgiving and mankind as a whole has to bear the consequences of its actions.
Enough moaning.
I have one movie recommendation, its one of the best films I have really ever seen, and it is centered around a suicide. Saw it in an art cinema in the UK recently, its called "Maborosi" by the great Hirokazu Koreeda, shot in 1995 . Maybe you still find time to watch it. I at least hope so. The last 16 minutes of this movie will stay with you...
It is very difficult to find, but I managed ! https://sidiflix.to/movies/drama/maborosi-1995-watch-online