Help Ambivalence

[Deadweight]

I've been in and out of ambivalence for a while now, most of my life. It's become a carrot on a stick for me, it keeps me going but I'm not going anywhere and the cartot is always out of reach. My situation is too complicated for me to commit to a plan, and instead I try to create conditions desperate enough to motivate me for a genuine impulsive attempt. I can plan it, but I cant commit to it without some real and present motivator I thought.

But this like the frog in the boiling water for me, except I always leap out just as it's about to boil over. It just doesn't work, and now I think no matter how bad I make my circumstances, unintentionally or otherwise, I think I would probably have the grit to survive it. It still wouldn't be a life, just surviving still now in worse conditions.

I need to shit or get off the pot here, but fantasising about killing myself and researching suicide remains calming for me, and while that remains the case I'm going to be stuck with ambivalence and the feelings of guilt and the shame of cowardice. And the frustration of wanting to die, but not being able to end it.

Has anything worked for you in breaking away from suicidal behaviours as a way of self soothing? Or you can just relate if you want to.

 

[timf]

It doesn't sound like a carrot and a stick, but two sticks. You might consider experimenting with all sorts of different experiences to see if anything resonates for you. Experiential, learning, or even work experiments can open doors for you that you might not even have known existed.