Venting Am supposed to ctb tomorrow morning, now scared I’m going to back away

[archipelago]

I'm pissed.

I'm pissed that I'm scared, I'm pissed that I will effectively be forcing myself to face a new trauma head on that has a set date, and I'm so exhausted

Dealing with too many disadvantages and health issues and I felt very ready to go, had a solid plan for SN

But I'm still scared it won't work, that it will be a drawn out process that I won't be able to endure the pain so Id call for help

I'm so fucking angry at myself. I set everything up, even tested the antiemetic, wrote out letters, had plans to mail things out to a friend… I'm just so fed up

And when I delayed twice before, I only regretted it because more shit happened

I wish I would just die by accident

 

[logan]

It is clear and good that you are afraid - it is about your life and a final irreversible step.

And if you set yourself a deadline and then don't make it happen - then don't blame yourself.
Maybe there is still a part of you that wants to live.

 

[archipelago]

Im genuinely more scared of it not working/being painful, or being found and dealing with the repercussions, than life itself ending. I think I would have liked to live under different circumstances, but both physical and mental illness and awful luck have shown me over way too long a time that things won't really turn around.

 

[sully]

Im genuinely more scared of it not working/being painful, or being found and dealing with the repercussions, than life itself ending. I think I would have liked to live under different circumstances, but both physical and mental illness and awful luck have shown me over way too long a time that things won't really turn around.

It will work. Just get the second and third glass. It will do the job.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, living really is tiring. I understand how you feel, the fears of a method not working and being found, is what holds me back too as well as the SI. It is not easy to take our lives. I wish you well.

 

[316]

Im genuinely more scared of it not working/being painful, or being found and dealing with the repercussions, than life itself ending.

This is the exact reason I'm still here and have decided on N as my method going forward

 

[aminend]

If that be ur time u don't care its consequences u don't care pain or other issues

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

This is the exact reason I'm still here and have decided on N as my method going forward

Same.

 

[archipelago]

This is the exact reason I'm still here and have decided on N as my method going forward

I think I may need to look more into N too. Originally I thought I wouldn't have enough time and was scared of legal issues getting it… but since I delayed already I might as well consider the better method.

Im really scared and don't want to have to deal with my abusive soon ex husband

 

[316]

I think I may need to look more into N too. Originally I thought I wouldn't have enough time and was scared of legal issues getting it… but since I delayed already I might as well consider the better method.

Im really scared and don't want to have to deal with my abusive soon ex husband

Sorry to hear about your ex :(

Originally I had more immediate methods in mind but I postponed, failed twice and haven't been able to go through with some of the scarier ones. N costs a lot and takes some time and planning, not to mention the risks in getting it, but I believe it could be my only ticket out of here. It's peaceful, painless and almost guaranteed to succeed

 

[archipelago]

Sorry to hear about your ex :(

Originally I had more immediate methods in mind but I postponed, failed twice and haven't been able to go through with some of the scarier ones. N costs a lot and takes some time and planning, not to mention the risks in getting it, but I believe it could be my only ticket out of here. It's peaceful, painless and almost guaranteed to succeed

Thank you, it's been really hard. I'm not working due to my health and he's made it clear he will give me a hard time for spousal support. I just want enough to cover some healthcare expenses and help get me on my feet

I hope you didn't have bad consequences from failing before.

I feel like aside from SN being legal, I went through the hurdles of planning too. A lot more was involved than I thought, and not being able to use meto (domperidone instead) made me scared as well.

 

[316]

Thank you, it's been really hard. I'm not working due to my health and he's made it clear he will give me a hard time for spousal support. I just want enough to cover some healthcare expenses and help get me on my feet

I hope you didn't have bad consequences from failing before.

I feel like aside from SN being legal, I went through the hurdles of planning too. A lot more was involved than I thought, and not being able to use meto (domperidone instead) made me scared as well.

I know the feeling I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce as well :( hope things improve for you

luckily the failed attempts didn't bother me too much other than the obvious frustration

SN seems like a good method but does involve planning similar to N, they seem to share the same problem: vomiting. Oddly enough I can get N easier than I can get the antiemetics lol

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

Thank you, it's been really hard. I'm not working due to my health and he's made it clear he will give me a hard time for spousal support. I just want enough to cover some healthcare expenses and help get me on my feet

I hope you didn't have bad consequences from failing before.

I feel like aside from SN being legal, I went through the hurdles of planning too. A lot more was involved than I thought, and not being able to use meto (domperidone instead) made me scared as well.

I know you don't know me but if you ever need somebody to talk to or to just listen about your situation, you and I have VERY similar circumstances (not working due to health, just wanting enough spousal support to cover healthcare/getting you on your feet but having pushback about that) plus all the concerns about obtaining N, etc, please PM me. I'm in a terrible situation w/my marriage and have wanted to be on my own for years but I'm stuck - no money, multiple health issues... although Ive been trying in the last month to get a social worker to help me with navigating all the legal aspects of separation or divorce. It's a scary and overwhelming prospect, on top of how bad my health is and all those worries from that. But I can't go on living this way, I know it's contributed to both my worsening physical and mental state. Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through all that you are and everything that's brought you to this point. I'm here if you need a friend or an ear.

 

[archipelago]

I know the feeling I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce as well :( hope things improve for you

luckily the failed attempts didn't bother me too much other than the obvious frustration

SN seems like a good method but does involve planning similar to N, they seem to share the same problem: vomiting. Oddly enough I can get N easier than I can get the antiemetics lol

I'm sorry it's been difficult for you too. It's so hard thinking that you'd never come to be in that situation and then finding that you are. On some level I'm relieved to recognize how abusive he is because I don't have to make excuses for his behaviour anymore, or to second guess myself about it. I really hope things improve for you too.

That's so strange about the antiemetics! I'd be thrilled if N was easy for me to come by

I know you don't know me but if you ever need somebody to talk to or to just listen about your situation, you and I have VERY similar circumstances (not working due to health, just wanting enough spousal support to cover healthcare/getting you on your feet but having pushback about that) plus all the concerns about obtaining N, etc, please PM me. I'm in a terrible situation w/my marriage and have wanted to be on my own for years but I'm stuck - no money, multiple health issues... although Ive been trying in the last month to get a social worker to help me with navigating all the legal aspects of separation or divorce. It's a scary and overwhelming prospect, on top of how bad my health is and all those worries from that. But I can't go on living this way, I know it's contributed to both my worsening physical and mental state. Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through all that you are and everything that's brought you to this point. I'm here if you need a friend or an ear.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I hate how common situations like this are, and how abusive people always want to get off scot free. I really hope your social worker can help you in a way that gets you what you need.

Thank you so much for your kindness. Feel free to do the same if you need to talk about it.

 

[Worndown]

The abusive people don't really get away free, they get to spend life being abusive. He may focus mainly on you because it is easy but I am sure he shows his true colors to others too. That type of person will annoy everyone they meet.
I hope you can find a better solution to the problem but wish you the best if you cannot.