N

nooo2

Member
Jan 22, 2019
93
I was having a conversation with my mother in the car the other day and I was openly talking about my non diagnosed depression. And she obviously wouldn't let me get my point across and she was like ''Why are you depressed, we can fix this so easily and this so easily.'' And then I started to realize that the things that DID bother me and drive me insane were pretty fixable, and I realized that at a way earlier point, maybe somewhere around November last year.

Anyways my point is that I realized that things that happen around the world really fuck me up, I mentioned this in another thread, child pornography and human trafficking, the dark web etc. Just anything fucked up imaginable, those things make so so so upset and it makes me want to kill myself even more, because even if I can go through life and not have to go through any of it I still don't want to be around knowing this shit is happening, and these things aren't small anymore, hence the child sexual abuse is MASSIVE it's one of the biggest things in the world, and the current thing with covid is even worse, why are masks becoming political. And I also really hate how our world is, how the most beautiful locations are locked behind money, I just hate this society with a passion and it's also my last fuel for killing myself.

Sorry I've been up for over 24 hours.
 
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Deleted-User-0

Deleted-User-0

Experienced
Jan 30, 2020
217
I was having a conversation with my mother in the car the other day and I was openly talking about my non diagnosed depression. And she obviously wouldn't let me get my point across and she was like ''Why are you depressed, we can fix this so easily and this so easily.'' And then I started to realize that the things that DID bother me and drive me insane were pretty fixable, and I realized that at a way earlier point, maybe somewhere around November last year.

Anyways my point is that I realized that things that happen around the world really fuck me up, I mentioned this in another thread, child pornography and human trafficking, the dark web etc. Just anything fucked up imaginable, those things make so so so upset and it makes me want to kill myself even more, because even if I can go through life and not have to go through any of it I still don't want to be around knowing this shit is happening, and these things aren't small anymore, hence the child sexual abuse is MASSIVE it's one of the biggest things in the world, and the current thing with covid is even worse, why are masks becoming political. And I also really hate how our world is, how the most beautiful locations are locked behind money, I just hate this society with a passion and it's also my last fuel for killing myself.

Sorry I've been up for over 24 hours.

It's called "reality" and for many it's ugly.
But to be fair the nature of this reality as it is wouldn't be a good enough reason for one to terminate his/her life
 
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Deleted member 17949

Deleted member 17949

Visionary
May 9, 2020
2,238
You don't have the ability to do such a thing, at least not without a long process. This is the conflict we often end up in with people over why suicide is selfish. People believe you can decide that certain feelings are irrational and stop having them by choice, but you cannot. All you can do is work with your feelings and try to understand and use them. You can't reject your feelings for the sake of being strong healthily.
 
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EmbraceOfTheVoid

EmbraceOfTheVoid

Part Time NEET - Full Time Suicidal
Mar 29, 2020
689
Your reasons to die are valid but they are fixable to an extent. The problem is that you'll never be able to get rid of the things you already know: that's why the happiest people are also the most ignorant. People that accurately perceive reality are almost always depressed or suicidal.

This quote from a reddit user should apply well to your feelings:

I don't think there's a motive, atleast not one that is operating at a conscious level, per-se. People in any civilization are inculcated with a set of beliefs just as members of a cult - they are raised with a rather static lens they are taught is the "correct" way to experience, perceive, and make sense of reality; this can be something as simple as "things fall down because of gravity", to "money is a very important pursuit in life", or "communism is evil". Taught repeatedly both explicitly and implicitly, one begins to lose themselves in these messages, and the differentiation between "self" and this static perception becomes very fluid - an attack on this perception, even in the form of a piece of information that creates a stark juxtaposition, triggers a fear response, much like that of an animal encountering a predator. The idea is, we may have incredibly advanced technology, but we still operate psychologically at the level of tribespeople; we become incredibly attached to cultural belief systems the same way we attach to our mothers and fathers as children, even if they abuse and berate us.

This comes to the heart of the problem, in my mind. Our cultural apparatus no longer seems to have answers for us, and the chase of money, status, materialism, et al - the hollow idolatry of late capitalism - is failing writ large to satiate our existential fears, if in large part because the system pumping it out has become so corrupt and inequitable that it is losing its legitimacy, and with it, its ability to hold us under the "civilized" spell. But even so, you have billions who have been raised to believe in its wicked fairy tale, to see and judge themselves and others through its objectifying, atomizing, reductionistic lenses, and for the most part know no other way to perceive reality. This is a large part of why "mental illnesses", suicide, and childlessness have skyrocketed and continue to - these are perhaps natural reactions to perceiving reality accurately, beyond any cultural spell.

This said, how does one continue to exist in a world that is not only rapidly changing for the worse - where an extinction crisis is looming large not so far over the horizon, where one is more likely than ever to be socially isolated, exposed to toxic levels of pollution, live in a terribly unhealthy fashion, work an unrewarding, mundane job that barely pays enough - and NOT want to kill yourself, or at the very least be chronically depressed?

Well, the answer, which also includes the answer to your question, is to double-down and become even more insane in the ways of the culture. The role of culture itself is transcendence - to deny death itself and give life a sense of permanency; culture becomes the self and the self becomes culture, but by becoming so intertwined, one becomes a part of its hypervigilant immune system. The problem is, no one really benefits from this arrangement in the long run; but in the short run, the constant denial of reality keeps one in a state of blissful, willfully ignorant cognitive dissonance. To anyone not insane in the ways of our culture, anthropogenic climate change is the Sword of Damocles hanging over life itself, making everything we need to do to sustain life in modern civilization seem absurdly Sisyphisean.

And yet, the denial of reality serves a dual purpose - it allows one to sink into learned helplessness, and it allows one to avoid the existential crises that come with awakening to the fact they are utterly codependent and individually helpless (much like an abused child who ultimately conforms to its treacherous parents' whims, once it realizes they're the hand that feeds and it has nobody else). To illustrate, right now it is estimated some 60% of the world's population lives near a coastline, with nearly 2.4 billion people living and working within 100km, and some 634 million living only 10m above sea level. The majority of these individuals live in the mega-cities that themselves are the major arteries of modern civilization. These cities are neither sustainable nor self-sufficient, and depend on a fragile global logistics chain to continue functioning.

Imagine yourself to be a decently well-off middle class resident in one of these coastal regions, or cities. You have an advanced degree and a great white collar job - let's say you're a family practice physician at a small doctor's office and although you don't save much, you do make ends meet, have an alright social life, overall things don't seem too bad. You never struggle to put food on the table, you're relatively happy with your life, more or less. You feel "successful" in the eyes of your culture because of the two letters after your name, the size of your paycheck, the fact you "own" your property and a nice car from the last 5 years. You're the envy of your less fortunate friends and peers, who are struggling in the gig economy and paying $1100 for a bunk bed in a small room; they look at you and tell you, "you've made it, man!" - its a similar admiration you experience with the opposite sex, who perk up after you mention your career. So, things seem relatively stable in your life. Economic crises seem to come and go, the world seems to be getting scarier by the day but you don't notice much - sure, groceries are always getting more expensive and the packaged goods keep shrinking, sure, you keep seeing friends from your peer group drop off the map or appear in obituaries you scroll past on Facebook, regardless more and more of them are speaking openly of their "mental health" struggles, and sure, people seem to be driving a little crazier, more of your patients are uninsured or on Medicaid, and the weather seems to be more chaotic than ever. But for the most part, you get up in the morning, get dressed and drive to work like everyone else, and although you can't dismiss this tickle in the back of your mind that something isn't quite right, your life seems rewarding enough to keep the tickle repressed. You might get a surge of anxiety now and then - or maybe that's just another pothole on the slowly degrading, neglected highway you take to work, but eventually you forget it until the next time, and the next.

The point is, if you live in any measure of comfort like the above story, belief in the status quo IS your "self", it not only enables your life, it provides you a stable sense of identity and status. To consider climate change is to collapse that lens upon itself, reveal it as a dream, an illusion, and with it, everything you have come to see as fixed and rigid and sensible about your life, every answer you've ever had to those late night existential questions that keep you up. It is to awaken to the stark reality you are a helpless cog in a massive mechanism, who operates a machine you don't understand, that runs on a fuel you can't create yourself, to work a job that is only possible because of a global logistics chain, to shop at a grocery store full of food and drink from who knows where, made by who knows who, to return to your domicile in the evening powered by who knows what from who knows where - all you know is as long as you keep your bills paid, the lights will magically turn on, the food stays cold in your fridge, and you can veg out to the latest sitcom on Netflix after a long day at work. Besides, what could you really do about rising sea levels or a splitting polar vortex, individually?

If we return to the story, imagine yourself that person again - and you've brought up similar subjects with your friends, or your professional-class colleagues, but they tell you you're being a downer, so you eventually drop it, and maybe even begin doubt it's even real or that it matters at all. "The scientists will figure it out," you tell yourself, clutching the Bible that's actually a cellphone streaming the latest climate denial or techno-hopium to your eyes, as you drift off to a dreamless sleep. Anyway, you've got work in the morning and the clocks always ticking and the bills aren't gonna pay themselves.

It's far easier to accept the one reality that is farcical and mundane and be united with your atomized peers in that, to feel the power your status and money grants you, to do the steps of the dance of "normality" - than to stand completely alone in the other reality, in which you are a dependent child in an adult's body, subsisting in a world that is not only bewildering and complex beyond your imagination, but utterly terrifying and unpredictable beneath it all. In that reality there are no answers, only the fact that there doesn't seem to be a place for you in it, and your life is virtually unimaginable without the forms of modern civilization - the grocery stores, the gas stations, cars, two day shipping, fire and police departments. Most would sooner forget that is the world that is threatened and fading than imagine living in a world would it.
 
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nooo2

Member
Jan 22, 2019
93
It's called "reality" and for many it's ugly.
But to be fair the nature of this reality as it is wouldn't be a good enough reason for one to terminate his/her life
Well thank god it's not my only reason.
Your reasons to die are valid but they are fixable to an extent. The problem is that you'll never be able to get rid of the things you already know: that's why the happiest people are also the most ignorant. People that accurately perceive reality are almost always depressed or suicidal.

This quote from a reddit user should apply well to your feelings:
I honestly wish I could view the world like that, but at the same time I'm happy that I see the world as it truly is. I just believe that I'm not fit for this world sadly. I never followed it's rules, even as a child I thought the wrong things instead of just following along blissfully.
 
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Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

Do what's best for you 🕯️ Sometimes I'm stressed
Jul 1, 2020
6,821
im totally with you. i hate those things too. and at one point they made me feel the exact same way. i just couldnt live in a world like this.
my personal advice....remove yourself from it. sadly you cant fix the world but what you can do is make it a little better. avoid the news and anything bad that will trigger you. but im not telling you to ignore the situation. if you see someone in need, and you can, give them a helping hand. do volunteer work. it might take a bit but by avoiding it the thoughts will slowly go away, and ill be honest i still think about it some times but not nearly as often. i hope this helps you HUGS
 
M

MoreThanAFeeling

Specialist
Feb 23, 2020
392
Anyways my point is that I realized that things that happen around the world really fuck me up, I mentioned this in another thread, child pornography and human trafficking, the dark web etc. Just anything fucked up imaginable, those things make so so so upset and it makes me want to kill myself even more, because even if I can go through life and not have to go through any of it I still don't want to be around knowing this shit is happening, and these things aren't small anymore, hence the child sexual abuse is MASSIVE it's one of the biggest things in the world, and the current thing with covid is even worse, why are masks becoming political. And I also really hate how our world is, how the most beautiful locations are locked behind money, I just hate this society with a passion and it's also my last fuel for killing myself.
I agree with you 100%. Other humans actions effect me negatively as well. We Humans are despicable and a scum of a race.
 
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N

nooo2

Member
Jan 22, 2019
93
im totally with you. i hate those things too. and at one point they made me feel the exact same way. i just couldnt live in a world like this.
my personal advice....remove yourself from it. sadly you cant fix the world but what you can do is make it a little better. avoid the news and anything bad that will trigger you. but im not telling you to ignore the situation. if you see someone in need, and you can, give them a helping hand. do volunteer work. it might take a bit but by avoiding it the thoughts will slowly go away, and ill be honest i still think about it some times but not nearly as often. i hope this helps you HUGS
Yeah I can pull myself away from those thoughts for a while, but they usually end up coming back. They've been more persistent and I've always thought this way even when I was very young. And that's also a great point, that's one of the things that ''drives'' me to stay alive because I'm not a horrible person, I'm very empathetic, for my own good and it's gotten me in terrible friendships. But I know that there's great people out there that could use my support as a friend.
 
Abgrundanziehung

Abgrundanziehung

or Abi for short
Jun 24, 2020
216
I've had all of these thoughts too. I remember being horribly depressed even as a young child about what an insane mess people have made of the world. I think the crazy thing is that most people don't get terribly upset by these things. I think it's a sign of sanity to not accept it. You sound more like a Highly Sensitive Person than someone who needs to grow up. https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/highly-sensitive-person-signs/
 
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D

draw a circle

out.
Apr 10, 2020
300
I get that. This world's plenty fucked up, I said that many times on other thread and right now I can't form words but I get what you're saying. Living in this kinda world is depressing.

And then I started to realize that the things that DID bother me and drive me insane were pretty fixable, and I realized that at a way earlier point, maybe somewhere around November last year.

Also same. My problems are really not that big of a problem and most of it lies within myself. I could probably do something about it with therapy, but to fix those problems I need time-- lots of it-- and support. But we can't afford time. I'm already running out of it. For some reason, even though I'm still young, but I'm already one year past my death deadline (deadline lol). A lot of people had second chances even later than my age. But I feel like I'm already cornered without a way out except death. I'm still trying to hang on though. Maybe something miraculous would happen. Good luck, dude.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Jan 11, 2020
6,727
why are masks becoming political.

Because the body is political, the personal is political, the private is political. From the Britannica, entry on "the personal is political," "personal experiences are the result of social structures or inequality."

This theoretical concept came from both sociology and feminism, and has been utilitzed by other schools of theory such as Black feminism, postcolonialism, race studies and gender studies.
 
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I

Intheo

Student
Jul 1, 2020
119
Well I can't disagree with you. In order to live your life, you have to focus on the things you can and not shoulder the world's problems. Focus on your job, your finances, your social life, etc. To a large extent, you have to ignore all the suffering happening the world. Genocide and rape and trafficking of children are happening as we speak. People say we have to focus on our living our lives, but to me that's akin to a situation where a pedo is raping a child in one of your bedrooms, but you just "focus on yourself" and try to ignore it. Make your coffee, go to work, watch netflix, buy the latest iphone or whatever because the kid getting raped in one part of your house isn't your problem. Of course in this scenario, anybody who doesn't stop the rape would be a fucking sociopath.

We as a society, as a species, is doing just that. We have to adopt a certain level of collective sociopathy to not go insane.
 
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oasis

oasis

Member
Jul 21, 2020
23
I really hate it when people behave as if depression is something you choose to have and the idea that it can be fixed so easily by "growing up".
Yeah millions of people are just choosing to be depressed instead of "growing up".

Sensitivity and empathy are great traits to have. When they say "grow up", they mean you should lose these traits. (which reminds of this song:

I hope it's not forbidden to share a link in this part of the forum)
 
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sadbunny

sadbunny

Experienced
Jun 7, 2019
249
Instead of CTB maybe you can have a career/volunteer to help catch these predators or do something in social services
 
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TAW122

TAW122

Emissary of the right to die.
Aug 30, 2018
6,686
I'm sorry to hear that your mother is not being understanding or supportive of your troubles and things that bother you. I don't think you need to grow up or that you are too sensitive, everyone has their own needs and values of what they seek. I hope you are able to find peace during this time and whatever you choose to do in the future. :hug:
 
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J

JGT

Member
Jul 22, 2020
48
Alot of humans are utter filth! They only talk to me when they need something from me!
 
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Abgrundanziehung

Abgrundanziehung

or Abi for short
Jun 24, 2020
216
I really hate when people behave as if depression is something you choose to have and the idea that it can be fixed so easily by "growing up".
Yeah millions of people are just choosing to be depressed instead of "growing up".

Sensitivity and empathy are great traits to have. When they say "grow up", they mean you should lose these traits. (which reminds of this song:

I hope it's not forbidden to share a link in this part of the forum)

I think you're right on about that. Also I have no idea what I just listened to, but I need more of it! What genre is that even, lol?
 
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N

nooo2

Member
Jan 22, 2019
93
I really hate when people behave as if depression is something you choose to have and the idea that it can be fixed so easily by "growing up".
Yeah millions of people are just choosing to be depressed instead of "growing up".

Sensitivity and empathy are great traits to have. When they say "grow up", they mean you should lose these traits. (which reminds of this song:

I hope it's not forbidden to share a link in this part of the forum)

I completely agree, I'm surprised at how many people agree with me I honestly thought I'd get a slap to the face and hopefully realize that I was probably wrong.


I'm sorry to hear that your mother is not being understanding or supportive of your troubles and things that bother you. I don't think you need to grow up or that you are too sensitive, everyone has their own needs and values of what they seek. I hope you are able to find peace during this time and whatever you choose to do in the future. :hug:
Yeah my mother doesn't understand at all, she clearly cares for me, she cries all the time and stresses over me. I think she knows that eventually I'm probably going to suicide. It sucks I've been so close with her my entire life and she's always protected me, failed me parental wise but took very good care of me. Sadly cannot talk to her anymore.
 
Abgrundanziehung

Abgrundanziehung

or Abi for short
Jun 24, 2020
216
Glad to hear you liked it! It's folk-punk.
I was on the right track then. I was thinking some cross between punk and bardcore. I'm listening to more of their tracks now. It's exactly what I needed today.
 
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so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Jun 12, 2020
462
I remember hearing that depressed people are more realistic, see things more for how they are. Whether it causes the depression or is an affect of being depressed is up to the individual, but it's a common factor.
 
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