am i supposed to be good at blocking out pain

[owarikigan]

when i lost my first ex i barely felt any heartbreak, just numbness and lost all of the memories and now they feel distant, or not mine. when i lost my best friend/ex of a decade, i felt numbness, and the same deal goes. when i remember things about them i feel nothing but on bad days my heart stings a little and it quickly goes away. when my cat was killed i only dissociated and helped comfort and clean while my mom cried, i couldn't look at him. i couldnt feel anything at all and even forced myself to cry because in my mental gymnastics i thought my abusive stepfather would believe that i had a soul and was of use in this household. when i think about it i only brush it all away and it stings.
i used to cry for help and cry over how hated i am that i would "attempt"; some genuine, some not, just so i can be genuinely cared for and a concern, but it never worked. i hardly bother to cry anymore now, i maybe scream into my pillow every once in a while but i gain nothing from attention seeking or self harming because nothing ever comes of it.
right now i've hit the point where so much is piling that all i can do is accept it. i feel too numb and lazy to even think about killing myself, rather i don't participate in life in other ways. i feel like i'm dragging a corpse already in apathy, but maybe my mind is just doing me a favor by allowing me to not feel so heavily, there is no point after all when no one is there to witness any of my melodrama