akira.kewl
joy is a scam made by dentists to sell more smiles
- Dec 4, 2025
- 19
okay, this title sounds silly without context, but just hear me out. as I've mentioned in previous posts, I've been keeping a daily log of whether or not I want to follow through with my plan to ctb so I could make sure that it's really what I want. But to be honest, the results are kind of confusing me...
You can clearly tell I'm suicidal, especially considering the ratio of absolute yes to absolute no, but the maybes are what makes it difficult to gauge. A lot of them are because, throughout the day, I'm kind of just distracting myself. I don't really think about whether or not I really want to live, so unless that comes to my mind on its own, I can't really say whether or not I wanted to live that day until nighttime, by which point my answer would only apply to the small portion of the day I could remember. It'd be disingenuous to mark as a yes or no based on how I feel in one random moment, resulting in lots of maybes. Most of the time, if I could access my brain instead of doomscrolling, I'd say yes, but now I can't be certain.
So, the entire point was to soothe any doubt, because my mood, opinions, and beliefs always seem to hop around for some reason, so I have to keep myself in line. And yet, it kind of just made it worse. Now, I fear my actions will depend solely on how I feel tomorrow. That was the opposite of what I wanted. So this may sound silly but, do you guys think my death wish is strong enough for me to act on it? Or am I back at that point where I should just wait and see if I get worse or better?
Every day lately, I've been feeling tired, getting headaches, nausea, aches, etc. all from stress because of how unwell I've been mentally. I can't act normally around people because I just feel so horrid, I swear I have whatever the mental equivalent of rabies is. I feel like that points towards me being valid in the decision to ctb, but it doesn't explain why the results are inconsistent with that. I guess it could just be because again, I didn't have much time to sit and think "do I want to live?" so I often just logged maybe and called it a day. But that means it's basically worthless!
So what can I do? I can't ask if I should ctb or not, but do I seem like I'm at a place mentally where it'd be reasonable to take that form of escape, and it wouldn't just be an impulse decision I'd regret? Do I seem consistent enough, if you keep in mind the fact that I'm never consistent? Would you do the same if you were me? I know this lacks any nuance to accurately answer that, but I don't need anyone to scan my entire life's value, I just want to hear other people's perspectives on if this is really what I want or not.
Worrying about it doesn't automatically mean no, because I'm extremely indecisive, I worry about which words I do and don't use italic on, my worries don't signal much. I understand it's my choice to make, but making decisions without them being validated first is not my specialty...
Sorry if this is worded poorly, it's very late right now and I'm out of it
You can clearly tell I'm suicidal, especially considering the ratio of absolute yes to absolute no, but the maybes are what makes it difficult to gauge. A lot of them are because, throughout the day, I'm kind of just distracting myself. I don't really think about whether or not I really want to live, so unless that comes to my mind on its own, I can't really say whether or not I wanted to live that day until nighttime, by which point my answer would only apply to the small portion of the day I could remember. It'd be disingenuous to mark as a yes or no based on how I feel in one random moment, resulting in lots of maybes. Most of the time, if I could access my brain instead of doomscrolling, I'd say yes, but now I can't be certain.
So, the entire point was to soothe any doubt, because my mood, opinions, and beliefs always seem to hop around for some reason, so I have to keep myself in line. And yet, it kind of just made it worse. Now, I fear my actions will depend solely on how I feel tomorrow. That was the opposite of what I wanted. So this may sound silly but, do you guys think my death wish is strong enough for me to act on it? Or am I back at that point where I should just wait and see if I get worse or better?
Every day lately, I've been feeling tired, getting headaches, nausea, aches, etc. all from stress because of how unwell I've been mentally. I can't act normally around people because I just feel so horrid, I swear I have whatever the mental equivalent of rabies is. I feel like that points towards me being valid in the decision to ctb, but it doesn't explain why the results are inconsistent with that. I guess it could just be because again, I didn't have much time to sit and think "do I want to live?" so I often just logged maybe and called it a day. But that means it's basically worthless!
So what can I do? I can't ask if I should ctb or not, but do I seem like I'm at a place mentally where it'd be reasonable to take that form of escape, and it wouldn't just be an impulse decision I'd regret? Do I seem consistent enough, if you keep in mind the fact that I'm never consistent? Would you do the same if you were me? I know this lacks any nuance to accurately answer that, but I don't need anyone to scan my entire life's value, I just want to hear other people's perspectives on if this is really what I want or not.
Worrying about it doesn't automatically mean no, because I'm extremely indecisive, I worry about which words I do and don't use italic on, my worries don't signal much. I understand it's my choice to make, but making decisions without them being validated first is not my specialty...
Sorry if this is worded poorly, it's very late right now and I'm out of it
