Venting Am I selfish?

[アホペンギン]

I grew up in a rich and privileged family, traveling quite often and being able to experience those things that richer people would generally have. Despite this, I still didn't enjoy my life. Their abuse destroyed me, causing me to have the urge to ctb and since they know about this, they call me selfish for feeling the way I do.


I have mentioned my circumstances many times on SS but here they are for anyone who doesn't know:

My parents pulled me out of school along with my siblings when we were 8 years old. He planned to homeschool us due to the fact that my father once was among the best in the country, he graduated from the best university and was proud of himself, planning to make us the same. He didn't trust the current education system to do what he planned to do for us.

Since he was one of the best, he assumed we would be able to be the same so he decided to teach us things that were high above our level, things that we weren't supposed to be learning at the time since the normal time to study them wouldn't have been until many years later. Of course, we made lots of mistakes while studying these things which were far above our level at the time, which made him very angry due to his irascibility, even the smallest mistake would make him extremely angry and because of this, he'd punish us.

I think, he wanted to be "nice" so after some observations he came to the conclusion that I was the least sensitive among my siblings and therefore directed all of his serious physical and mental abuse towards me, obviously something that degraded my mental health over the years. I have tirelessly tried for a long time to salvage my previous self, the one that hadn't been completely destroyed by his abuse but it was to no avail. My ambitiousness and motivation to improve myself quickly drained away, they became out of my reach so I just quit trying to fix myself.

Now I am here, completely worthless. Spending my days in bed, with chronic back pain because of his abuse, unable to eat and do many basic tasks due to crippling stress due to my despondence and fear of losing my best friend and still, to this day, receiving constant insults from my father and now my siblings for the way I am, even though what happened to me was completely out of my control. They blame this all on me. My siblings refuse to acknowledge what happened to me, despite them seeing it with their own eyes.

My suicidal tendencies stem from this abuse, it all happened so quickly, I started considering suicide at 8 years old when I first started to get abused. It has been a decade now with no change, maybe only change for the worse. Those around me insist that I persist for their sake, because of their selfishness and to preserve their ego. They completely deny the truthfulness of the fact that my life has lost all meaning because of the cruelty I had to endure. They criticize me, telling me I'm selfish for feeling the way I do and deeming my constant suffering invalid, dismissing the depth of it all.


What do I do? Am I really selfish?

 

[Dayrain]

You are not selfish.

 

[Terranova]

while i am nowhere near rich, i understand what you are talking about, my dad was very good with his education, he went to university multiple times for different things and had a free ride because of his outstanding grades, this all happened in El Salvador which is where i come from, eventually we had to move to the US bcs the situation was dire, but thats besides the point, he pressured me alot when i was a child, he abused me in many ways, i think his expectation of me being better or just eventually turning better made my life alot worse, because now i can only feel useless, untalented and what not, even the things i think i love i never pursued, i am 18 so people tend to say i can still learn but i feel it is not the case

 

[larastoned]

No, not at all. Your feelings are valid.

 

[Greyscale]

I don't think you're selfish. No one is immune to depression. Hell, even celebrities have had their own encounters with depression.

 

[Huggs]

Absolutely not. I'm sorry for everything you've been through and are going through now. It's awful. Parents are supposed to protect and support their children, not abuse them when they need them most. And I've talked to you, you're a great person, you don't deserve it at all. I know some of your experience because out of my siblings my father also would direct all his rage at me, as a kid experiencing all that is terrifying and deeply scarring.

 

[Dying Knight]

I noticed that many parents have no idea how to educate their children properly. They have nearly zero knowledge about psychology and rely on very naive presumptions about efficiency of their teaching methods. The fact that many parents seriously think that it's possible to develop a good motivation in children by means of insults, threats, and violence speaks a lot about their awareness and adequacy.

The accusations about selfishness arise from the same ignorance with regard to understanding the human nature amplified by arrogance that doesn't let a parent admit that their own beliefs and behavior may be wrong.

I think that ideally parents must be forced to pass exams for obtaining some parent's license similarly to driver's license which is needed for driving a car. Parents should prove that they know and understand at least the basics of children's psychology, and if they can't do this, they should be deprived of the rights to raise children.

 

[Gleysson]

So, in my interpretation. Suicide can be a selfish act. But it's important to note as well, that forcing some one to live through constant pain, suffering and hopelessness is always selfish. They want to remove your autonomy and adhere to a social standard that suicide is cowardly, weak.

There are many that also fear the social backlash of having their child/spouse commit, so they find ways to coherce them into staying.

Society is not built to understand death as a choice. There is constant pressure from people of notoriety that whoever commits will be punished. A culture that revolves around shunning death

Today I had a patient come in to the urgent care. She was 78 years old and had late stage Alzheimer's. Her brain was cooked. She had 3 pneumonias in the last 5 months. She couldn't pee anymore without a tube to help. She had to wear diapers because she couldn't contain her bowels. Her kidneys were shutting down. Her pancreas was in serious distress, as well as her liver, she had another lung infection, she was getting severely dehydrated because of her constant diarrhea. And she stopped eating two days ago, because sometimes, in the late progression of the disease, the individual just forgets how to eat.

Her daughter brought her in. We talked for a while, I gave her pain meds and ordered some exams. They returned 2h later with everything. The lady had pain in her face. Her abdomen was swollen and painful, she was pale, weak, disconnected. So I introduced the idea of palliation. Keeping her comfortable, but stopping life support. The daughter thought about it. She said she knew her mom's time was coming, but she couldn't let her go. So she said I should treat her and admit her (she had criteria for admission). I can't deny that request. I can't order palliation on a patient. It's the family's choice. And she will be treated. And she'll continue to suffer. And she'll get an infection again. And it will repeat this cycle until her daughter chooses palliation, or her body just gives in.


This is not fair. This is not how it should be. She should not keep suffering because another person can't move on. This woman in particular has no comming back. She will die soon.

But the thing is. Do you feel like her? Do you feel like you've reached your end and carrying on would just further your suffering? I'm obviously not trying to shame you or make you feel like your problems aren't worthy of pain. Constant abuse breaks the mind, moreso when it comes from someone that should care for you. Since a young age you were made to feel worthless. This is torture. Endured from a very young age. Your reaction to this is absolutely understandable.

The fact that you're still here shows the strenght you have. To try and try again to improve and fix yourself. The bravery in that is amazing. Of course you're tired now. 10 years of abuse. 10 years of emotional neglect. You have mental and physical scars everywhere. You've not been raised by love, but selfishness and ego. Yet you are still here. You came here and asked for help. This is a step that's so brave, you have no idea.

What I'm trying to say is that you have the choice now. If you feel like you would be trying to treat a thing that can't be treated and just postponing your ultimate goal, then it's not in your parents rights to stop you from it. You've had ideation since you were 8. This is absurd. This must hurt a lot. Absolutely no one should go through this. And it's not right for another person to make that choice for you. Even more now that you are 18. Selfishness comes from their side in this situation. And your father and family not acknowledging what you've been put through shows they don't care about what your actual choice is, only the consequences on their family.

On the other hand. You have a clear source of pain. Your family, your father. Outside of this, there seems to be a whole world of fatherless freedom. If you take away the leech, the bleeding will eventually stop. Maybe by leaving their sphere of influence, you will find who you are. Maybe there is somewhere out there that will accept you. And to get an even better taste, by doing so, and denying your father's path, you would give him the ultimate middle finger. You're not him, you don't want to be him. You have your own path, your own hardships, your own successes. Maybe you'll find your place. And not being raised by love, does not mean love will not come to you. It's a tough find, but a very worthy one. And it comes in many forms. Friends, lovers, pets, places, music, hobbies.



To sum up. You're definitely not selfish. Your intentions are completely justifiable. You have the complete autonomy and right to chose when and how you go. But if you want to give it one last push, just for the sake of it. Go look for your place in this world. Escape this hell your father built.


And whatever you chose, we'll be here. Hope it helps a bit.

And I hope I didn't come in too strong. If anyone thinks this will not help. Tell me and I'll remove it

 

[pole]

you aren't selfish.

what you went through as a child was horrible and I can resonate.

being belittled and made to feel like your the problem. you, a child at the time, being this object that your father could release and direct his unresolved emotions onto.

i still cannot describe and put into words what this type of treatment from a very young age does to a person. for me, it has shaped my self-worth and esteem. i constantly feel disgusting, like I'm the problem, being a burden for others, and my value as a person has since always been tied to how others perceive of me. it has destroyed any identity or image I have of myself.

it's also made me more aware and empathetic towards each person's unique individual human experience. I refrain from being judgemental and jumping the gun by assuming who a person is simply by their behaviour. many of us are who we are for a reason and it's so layered, complex, and I wish someone took a step back to understand why I feel and act the way I do, but I guess that takes giving a shit in the first place and most people could care less.

so I cannot blame you for feeling the way you do. it isn't your fault. no child should go through that. it will always be something you struggle with, but I hope one day you find the strength to work towards finding yourself and realizing your worth.

 

[アホペンギン]

but I hope one day you find the strength to work towards finding yourself and realizing your worth.

I really don't want to do that anymore, I lost all hope
I will never reconsider

 

[Monique696]

What do I do? Am I really selfish?

It's not selfish. It's called being broken.
Abuse and torment break a person. It takes time to heal. No idea how long. Or if healing is even possible or probable.
Been in therapy for almost a decade. Tried countless approaches. Got diagnosed with cptsd, fibromyalgie, chronic pain etc.
It's rough and due to a decade of child abuse in my case.
Healing hurts. Healing costs. Healing is exhausting yet our best option "long term"
When I was 21 I pressed charges and when I was 24 one of them got probation and I was left alone. With a tiny pension. Dependent on the state and my brain would not function in any way that I could have made a decent living or finished university.
It can work depending on the country. You can live in an apartment paid by the state. Might not be luxurious but it works. A pc a comfy bed, a kitchen and you are able to restart your life in whatever city you chose to.
If you want to give it a try.
Your life is yours. I moved 600km away and over the past years I moved over times actually and still feel like I need to start fresh one last time.
What helped me was reading. A lot of symptoms that drove me crazy and made me question myself were actually common symptoms for ptsd and cptsd. Like seriously common. I read some lists and was doing a mental check up and almost had to cringe at how common my symptoms were and how many must have felt just like me.
Overall it made me understand that out bodies have protection mechanisms that don't work very well in todays society. Yet they kept us alive in the past.
So hey the good with the bad.
Anyhow you are not selfish. Just a bit broken.
If you want to talk feel free to write.
Have a good one. Take care

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

we were immigrants. i was constantly reminded how poor we were. on top of that, my sister was the favorite. i won't get into details but i dunno. thought that was just life. are you selfish? i wouldn't say that. you feel what you feel. after reading these posts, it looks like there isn't a cure for that. i guess they just try to throw drugs at you.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, it sounds like the other people are the problem instead, it's horrible how humans are capable of so much cruelty and just create suffering.