Venting am i really playing fucking video games right now?

[bees.]

I never vent on here but i literally dont know what else to do. Ive cut off every friend I have and havent opened their messages for weeks

my grandpa just died.
like, 20 minutes ago just died

and im playing video games. fucking video games. im sitting in my room forcing myself not to cry over a man i was never close enough to, and im playing fucking minecraft.

i dont want to do this anymore.
i really really really don't

but I'm scared. Im really scared to CTB
I've failed so many times, I have loads of medical trauma from the aftermath
some SI, some luck, or the goddamn lack of it
I've been on suicide watch for almost 4 years straight
i have all the help i could want, friends and family who care

I just don't think I can do this anymore.
I haven't been able to cut deep since I was fucking 16. i miss it

 

[watchingthebuses]

I'm sorry about your loss... even if you were never close enough, losing someone can still be a very difficult thing to go through.
I don't think there's anything wrong with using video game to give yourself time to process things.
Try not to beat yourself over it, we all process loss differently. I might be projecting since my coping mechanism is also to look for an escape like games or reading.
I hope that you can find some peace of mind tonight.

 

[disasterplant]

I'm so sorry for your loss love. I know it hurts to lose a family member even if you weren't really close with them.

Everyone grieves differently, and it's usually a weird period when you just found out the news. You're still processing your emotions and your thoughts.

There is nothing wrong with playing video games while you're going through this process, especially a game that can be as calming and stimulating as Minecraft. I know it is a comfort game for a lot of people.

You have every right to feel what your feeling, and you are allowed to cry.

 

[Viranamari]

Losing your loved ones despite not being close to them is very terrifying. There is nothing wrong with playing video games when you just found out about the news. Like the above two users mentioned, you're still processing your emotion and thoughts. If Minecraft helps you feel good, then you should continue playing it. Try to be gentle with yourself during this period. Whether or not you still wish to CTB is completely up to you. I wish you luck in getting over this tough period.

 

[Galileo3630]

I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you're experiencing right now. It's understandable to feel overwhelmed and lost in the face of such a significant loss. It's also understandable to feel conflicted about engaging in activities that may seem trivial or unimportant in the midst of such a difficult time.

I myself was playing video games after my grandma died, mind you she was the best person in my life, she was like a mini-therapist to me, she let me open up to her and pour my heart out, I didn't even cry during her funeral, I wanted to, but couldn't, even during her burial as I threw the rose into her grave, I didn't shed a single tear, only after a month passed did I start sobbing in my bed all alone. It's okay to close out your emotions and play video games to shut out the sad feelings. Greave at your own pace and don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling or that you should be crying, we all recover and feel sadness at our own levels.

 

[fsm-sv]

I sincerely apologize if what I'm about to say is insensitive, however I would like to ask this:
Did you know your grandfather a bit closer, or was he practically a stranger?
I've lost family members in the past, but I personally couldn't have cared less since I barely knew them. If you think about it - what's the difference between a random person dying and a 'distant' family member dying? I see none, yet the family members are essentially forced to care because he donned the same surname that we had. Don't feel bad if he wasn't close to you, you haven't lost anything despite it feeling like you did.

And about what you said about playing Minecraft: we all cope in different ways. Don't feel bad if that is what puts you at ease. Death is a difficult thing to experience for everyone affected by it, it's only natural that we'd try to take some of the 'pressure' away.

 

[aimless_arrow]

I lost my uncle 3 years ago and I didn't know him that well either since we lived far away from each other. But I had fond memories of us playing with the family dog, swimming in the creek and watching sports on TV together.

I couldn't cry when I was at his funeral. I couldn't cry when I saw his body lying in the casket. I couldn't cry when they wheeled him into the cremation chamber. Everyone was sobbing, especially his wife and kids, but I was numb. It just felt surreal at that time, and still does now. Maybe it's just the way we deal with grief - for me, I compartmentalise the emotions into somewhere deep and elusive and try to forget about it. It's not healthy but that's how it is.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would have fears to ctb as after all we exist in such a hellish world where suicide is something which simply isn't straightforward. Failing ctb sounds so horrific to me and I hate how humans have to be punished in that way simply for trying to leave a world that they were so unfairly forced into. It does sound really tiring being in that situation and it's true that there is no relief from suffering in this hellish world, but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[sadjenny]

However you feel at this moment, is enough.

 

[bees.]

Did you know your grandfather a bit closer, or was he practically a stranger?

We were close enough that I have memories with him and care about him. I feel like I wasn't never close enough with him because I am horrible with communicating with people and have lost most of my memory because of the damage mental illness has done to my brain. I get what you are talking about though and I really appreciate your response.
I don't want to tag everyone just because I don't want to flood notifications, but I would just like to say a huge thank you to everyone who responded. I honestly wasn't expecting people to respond at all, and seeing all of y'all's messages means a lot to me. I know that's fully the whole point of this forum, but still. I appreciate you guys, thank you.