Am I really alive?

[Primus]

I think I have undiagnosed ADHD. Its been plaguing my life forever now. I can't learn for jack. Or engage in any hobby. Such as art, videogames, etc. Without me zoning out. I feel as if I am being overridden by some exterior force. Its terrifying. At times I feel as I am losing motor functions and entering this "vegetable/npc" state. Where I find myself in this state of limbo, a zombie of sorts. Am I really alive? Or am I just a proxy?

I don't know what to do with my life, any time I try to improve or attempt to remotely take control. I have severe mental breakdowns. I shake due to me not being able to comprehend certain phrases or explanations properly. I've lost hope honestly. I've proven myself to be severely incompetent. Like uncanny. The DSP of Life.

Some guys DM words about how I should end it and I respond with "What?" Because I unironically can't seem to understand what they're saying. Sure they write in English and I understand it fluently, but I can't seem to understand what they're writing. They say they tried everything and expect everything to be handed to me. I just don't know what you wrote. Good God trying to do research on anything is a pain, its as if your eyes roll and melt off your head. I can't even have the mental capacity to understand what to do, to ensure a successful death.

Or school, or work. I just want a voice to show me what to do. I don't care anymore. I just want someone to hold my hand. I wish I wasn't so defective or a vegetable. What do I tell my father? He downplays every thing I say. I try to reach out for help, only to get superficial answers. Its as if everything is a constant challenge, when I am in severe distress. I say something then I immediately get opposed, its like linguistic tackling. But its even worse when you realize how pathetic I am, worrying about dumb shit like my humanity, when my ancestors survived, with difficulties obtaining food, water and shelter. Yet I am here having breakdowns? Please. I just start babbling like a retard when I can't express what I feel. Its a large portion of my conversations with people just end up me staring into the distance, and just slowly swaying back and forth.

 

[Zegers]

this state of limbo, a zombie of sorts. Am I really alive? Or am I just a proxy?

Who knows. My life has been rather strange too.

 

[LiminalFantasies]

Recently, I've been quite distracted everytime I do any kind of tasks that involves a lot of concentration and time. I take too long to finish it, I do not really know why all of a sudden I can't get to finish my assignments faster than when I was doing the same thing 5 to 4 years ago. I was supposed to do it better, not sure what went wrong with me. Now I believe that based of my own history when I was acting younger, now I was properly diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago.

I can totally relate when you mentioned about if we are actually real and also went through severe mental breakdowns from time to time questioning about the ability to propely function in life.

About that question about reality, that highly suggests (at least for me) that you went through depersonalization and/or derealization. That is, that sensation when you feel like you feel detached from your body like you're a viewing yourself in 3rd person POV (depersonalization), or when you feel your surroundings as false, dream-like, distorted, among other words (derealization). I went through that too (mostly through depersonalization moments), and I must say it feels really terrifying to be in that state of being an outsider and feeling detached to yourself.

To add, I'm sorry that you often go through that when you talk with your dad about it, only to get downplayed from. It really sucks to not being understood, even from your closest ones to you.