Venting am i overthinking my decision, or are my inner voices getting to me again?

[nofun.intended]

my SN came in the mail a few days ago. i thought i'd be at least a little excited about it, but i'm not really at all. i feel like i'm taking too long to do it. i made the decision that i was serious about dying but when that happened i started not texting really anyone at all. that includes my family, which they are (understandably) more concerned about than people on fucking snapchat. but it's making me panic because my aunts on my dads side have been reaching out and have been expressing their concerns. one of them sent a card in the mail, and i haven't read it yet because when i started to i got emotional and just put it back in the envelope. i feel horrible for what i'm doing, i really do. i don't know how to talk to them. i don't know what to say, especially now where they're all asking if i'm okay and all that shit. i feel the worst about not talking to my sister though. it's her birthday on the 18th. she's gonna be turning 21 and mentioned wanting to do a beach trip to me and our two cousins. i haven't responded to that. but it's close to my sisters birthday... i can't fucking kill myself next to my sisters birthday, that's a horrible thing to do. but i feel like my window of opportunity is getting smaller. i want to do it by the end of the summer, in a beachside hotel. my first two thoughts were old orchard beach or misquamicut, but somewhere in the cape would maybe be nice too. i want to lay in the sun and go in the waves before i die. i don't know what to do about my stuff though. i was thinking i could have like, a truck come and pick it all up out of the room i'm renting and bring it to a storage unit, and i guess it can be taken care of from there if no one wants to pay the bill lol. i feel like the money i'd have left in my bank should go towards my funeral. i feel like i shouldn't be wasting any more time, but i have questions about the SN process and i'm nervous about it not working. i'm gonna talk about that i'm a different thing though.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

People are reaching out to you, and it sounds like you do want to talk to someone. What do you think is stopping you?

 

[nofun.intended]

i don't feel as suicidal as i was before, but i know that it's going to come back. it always does. i feel pathetic saying this, but i really just want to give up. i never really saw the point of us being alive. i feel like with evolution and us having our smart social/emotional human brains, we know too much shit for our own good. it sucks when you're a person that feels like they have zero purpose and zero potential. i hate myself and everything about me and i hate how my brain is and i hate all the talking that goes on in there. i'm so in my head that it's making me feel crazy. i just want it to end. i don't want to see how far i can make it in life or anything like that. i feel like i can't even just try to make the best of it and be happy because i don't know what makes me happy. i don't know what i like, i don't know myself anymore. i hate myself and don't care to know her.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

i don't feel as suicidal as i was before, but i know that it's going to come back. it always does. i feel pathetic saying this, but i really just want to give up. i never really saw the point of us being alive. i feel like with evolution and us having our smart social/emotional human brains, we know too much shit for our own good. it sucks when you're a person that feels like they have zero purpose and zero potential. i hate myself and everything about me and i hate how my brain is and i hate all the talking that goes on in there. i'm so in my head that it's making me feel crazy. i just want it to end. i don't want to see how far i can make it in life or anything like that. i feel like i can't even just try to make the best of it and be happy because i don't know what makes me happy. i don't know what i like, i don't know myself anymore. i hate myself and don't care to know her.

I might be stating the obvious here, but it seems like you're feeling overwhelmed. You're not wrong that being conscious can screw us over in a way—knowing too much for our own good, as you put it. Having a concept of the future, our past, our own mortality, all of that. It can be a lot, definitely. I've been in that head space before. But right now I would like to offer a different perspective, if you're interested.

You say you got your SN recently, and now you feel like you're "taking too long" to take action, but you're not taking action because you're not feeling as suicidal as you were before, and the fact that people in your life are reaching out and showing interest is causing you to second guess yourself. You already have your method, and it's not going anywhere. Do you think maybe taking some time to listen to the side of you who's asking all these questions could be beneficial? You don't need to figure out all the answers to those questions right now, or all at once either.

You say that you're "so in [your] head that it's making [you] feel crazy". I think I know what you mean, but maybe that would be a good place to start—trying to step outside of your own head for a minute. In my case, when I spend too much time in my own head things my own thoughts start to get really weird and oppressive, and I need to stop myself from thinking too much about everything. When I take some distance from my own thoughts, I can see things a bit more clearly. I think that having people around you who are showing interest in you could be a way to take a step back from your own thoughts. It doesn't have to be anything drastic, you don't need to unload your mind and soul onto them. You can just take a mental break and allowing yourself to have some connections with the people in your life.

The big questions about what makes you happy, what to do with your life, what you like, who you are... those are the kinds of questions that will fuck you up mentally if you try too hard to find the answers. Been there and it's not fun. But we can break them down into small bits, and look at them independently instead of trying to solve the big existential puzzle in one go.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me your feelings of wishing to be free from everything certainly are understandable, I could also never see a point to any of this, I just see existing as being unnecessary suffering where we are just waiting around to die. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans, that does sound like a nice place for one to spend their final moments at.