Am I losing my chance?

[Hel]

I've always said that I want a "natural" death, cause I don't wanna people know that it was suicide. This is why I didn't kill myself yet, cause I couldn't find method. But with the covid out there and as risk group (breathing troubles), this could be my chance.
There are only two things I want in life. Not having them is my reason to die.
So should I try plan A, fail and get worse, try plan B, fail and get worse again and after that, kill myself? The problem is that for plan B, I need the quarantine to end, so I would loose my chance of dying from covid and I'd blame myself for losing this chance. Yes, I would prefer one of my two plans getting real and giving me the reason to live, but failing on the will confirm my desire to die asap, and I would have lost the covid chance. I don't know what to do.

 

[FreedomInDeath]

Good luck on your life plans coming true. I hope that they can accomplished so you do not have to CTB.

 

[Hel]

Good luck on your life plans coming true. I hope that they can accomplished so you do not have to CTB.

Thank you so much. But I am hopeless, as matter of fact, I'm already thinking that after failing plan b, I may CTB in a way that scares me but if I am broken now (since three years ago), after trying these two things with all my heart and losing, my desperation will do the rest.

Thank you for the good luck cause I really, really need it. I need a miracle.

 

[FreedomInDeath]

It think it is better to try whatever those 2 things are before you CTB than never know. Maybe you will succeed, or find some other path in the process. CTB is always there and Corona will be around for a while. I hope all goes well in your quest for happiness.

 

[Hel]

It think it is better to try whatever those 2 things are before you CTB than never know. Maybe you will succeed, or find some other path in the process. CTB is always there and Corona will be around for a while. I hope all goes well in your quest for happiness.

Thank you so much... I'll try. There's always time to die, I know, and if I've waited for three years... Is just that things kept getting worse and worse and my self-confidence is lost (was never too high, though). But yes, I'll give the rest, I'll try till the last consequences, evrn if I need a miracle. And when I fail, wellm then I will CTB, there is always time.
Thank you. I wish I don't have to do it but right now I only see darkness.

 

[FreedomInDeath]

I think part of the problem is you expect to fail. People often unknowingly self sabotage in this way. I would suggest going into your goals with a neutral mind. I know it is not easy to get out of hopelessness that is why we are all here. If you feel you have not tried everything there is still a chance.

 

[Hel]

I think part of the problem is you expect to fail. People often unknowingly self sabotage in this way. I would suggest going into your goals with a neutral mind. I know it is not easy to get out of hopelessness that is why we are all here. If you feel you have not tried everything there is still a chance.

Thank you. I'll try to see in that way. But, as you say, hopelessness is why we are here. ANd even before geting suicidal, I've been a pessimistic my whole life. And I happened to be right so... Trauma, fear, all that. And I am desperate. But yes, two more chances, I will try, but I've been trying already and failing, is just that I can try one last time each one and after that... I wish, I desperatly wish that after one of the tries I success but I am so, so afraid.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

There are only two things I want in life. Not having them is my reason to die.

Of course now I'm curious as to what are those two things, and of course no expectation of you to say.

Also wondering, is it not possible to seek out and discover new things worth wanting should they not pan out?

 

[Hel]

There are only two things I want in life. Not having them is my reason to die.

Of course now I'm curious as to what are those two things, and of course no expectation of you to say.

Also wondering, is it not possible to seek out and discover new things worth wanting should they not pan out?

They are related to my broken heart. And the "there are another people in the world" isn't working because each time is worse. But the person I love is unique and the story is too complicated and I don't feel like talking about it like this. Anyway, that's it, that's my reason to die: I'm not good enough to have the things I want and need, mainly this love. I've been suffering for love my whole life but this time is the worst and I don't think I can't resist anymore.

 

[Hel]

I'm getting worse and worse. I can't stop thinking that I can't shine and if I don't shine, I'll never get the things I want andd need. And everyone shines brighter, any other girl is better than me. I can't live with this, I wish I could kill myself now.