Venting Am I being selfish?

[inkognito]

I feel so utterly lost and I have been for a while, but there's like a void in my stomach that nothing in the fridge can fill.. I have this sickening empty feeling that eats me up from the inside and its agonising to the point it's killing me.

I feel selfish for wanting to stop it because other people and even my own family members are going through worse. To be real with you all, I don't think I'd go out of my way to kill myself. But if a car was passing by at speed I wouldn't hesitate to walk infront of it. I used to wonder what everyone who knew me would think of me after I died or if they cared, but I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I heard a saying once; " if you're not ready to kill yourself while you're naked, you don't really want to die at all" or something along those lines and I was so confused on what it meant. I understand now. It means you care too much about how people will see you after you've done it. Idk what I'm getting at here. I hope it makes sense.

Anyway.. How do I stop abusive parents? Can they be stopped? Or is it like when you were a child and you grew out of drawing on the walls because you realised it was wrong? I hope so anyway. I don't want to leave this world behind if my parents aggression were to turn on my sisters.

 

[Fktw0rld]

That's a tough situation. Depending on your age and what you have going on maybe there's a possibility you're able to move out soon. I can tell you from almost 50 years of experience, all you've endured at the hands of your family will never go away though. You will unknowingly develop self preservation quirks and triggers. Depending on the severity of them you may find it hard to maintain long term friendships and relationships. Your subconscious is being molded and the outcome will be your adult personality. You can fight it, but it's hard. Not impossible, but very difficult. If I tell you from from ages 4 to 12 don't go near spiders because they'll jump on you and kill you, as an adult, no one will understand why you have an intense fear of spiders that you can't overcome, some will even label you as weird. What you're dealing with is much deeper on a subconscious / conscious level than that.

The most you can do, as I've done, is try. Give yourself a chance first. The fact that you don't want to leave your sisters behind already displays survivor / soldier mindset. That will help you, as it did me. The up close and personal abuse will eventually end once you're able to detach yourself from your parents and create distance. But the demons will follow you to the grave. If you're dealing with narcissistic parents it will never change; they see no wrong in what they're doing. Maintain that survival mindset and see how far it takes you once you're on your own.

Love and respect

 

[Forever Sleep]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry your life has brought you here. That's a very interesting quote about killing yourself while you are naked. Yes- I think I understand. To get to the point where you are ready to do it, you have to able to block out what others think of you. Even those that love you really. Nothing can matter anymore- otherwise it will likely hold you back.

In terms of abusive parents though- I'm not so sure you can stop them entirely. You can perhaps tell them you're not willing to put up with it anymore- show some resistance. Show that you realise how they're treating you is wrong. My best advise would be to get away from them though- if you can. I'm sorry. Sounds like you are in a very difficult situation.

I don't think you should feel guilty though. You clearly care about other people. There are always going to be people in the world with worst problems and easier ones- it doesn't make your experience less valid.