Help am I a victim or am I being overdramatic

[acidkitsune23]

warning for mentions of possible grooming and CSA/COCSA

I need outsider opinions on these situations, because I'm looking back and it's starting to genuinely confuse and sicken me.

so for the first situation, when i was 5 and my other cousin was 5, he would molest me. i don't consider it full SA or him to be a perpetrator (at least then. now he's a very violent person. he always has been, though. he's always been very unstable and i feel so bad for him. he was just a baby and so was i.), nor do i hold any genuine malice towards him. I just don't know what to consider this. I've heard the term "COCSA" (child-on-child-sexual-abuse), but I'm kind of reluctant to even think about it that way.


so, the second situation, I was 11/12. the guy who did this was 17.
I met him on Xbox, and he started making inappropriate jokes (and questions) despite knowing my age. things like "haha would you have sex with your friend?" or "oh I have sex with my girlfriend all the time. it's normal". Everybody liked him, nobody else complained or had those types of conversations with him to my knowledge. just me. he knew my age, and he still did this. I don't know what to consider this. was he trying to groom me?

the third instance, I was 16, I met this guy who I'll call "C", who was 19. I met him in a discord server and we friended each other, talking on and off. one day he dmed me with a huuuge suicide note. i was panicked, and i didn't know what to do. ever since that night, him and i got closer. one day he added me to a group chat with two other minors, the youngest being 14. C would make sexual-esque jokes to me in front of this 14 year old, knowing their age and knowing my age. some of these jokes consisted of rape jokes, me doing weird stuff on his face, etc. at the time i thought "hey it's fine, he's my friend, I trust him". nothing romantic happened, but he had a big mental breakdown and blocked me. a lot of drama happened after that that i don't feel comfortable getting into, but he asked out 2 other sixteen year old's (one of which he actually dated/groomed), and was very heavily attached to another 14 year old. since he wasn't romantic with me, does this count as grooming? or just sexual harassment? he knew my age from the beginning, by the way. from our very first conversation. C knew. and he didn't care. This situation hurts the most, because after everything was settled, we got back in contact and he tried to, to my understanding, guilt trip me. "oh im so suicidal" "i want to die" "nobody loves me" "oh *insert name* im just a monster aren't i?". And it fucking worked :(

There are more instances of older people being weird to me online, but those are more minor instances. sorry im just pondering

 

[Jadeith]

I need outsider opinions

Ok, i'll try to provide some. Still, keep in mind that these are just opinions and experiences of uneducated internet stranger.

So, for the first instance - 5yo usually don't know shit about sex related stuff BUT they understand pretty well "where it hurts". Given that your cousin was/is a violent being, i think it's safe to say that intention was to cause you physical pain in area he knew was sensitive, without sexual undertones.

Second instance - teenagers and specifically male ones, 16 and above, will fuck about anything. Hand, sofa, pillow, teddy bear, you name it. Some more some less. Blinded by raging hormones, their whole worldview spins around sex and they usually don't give a damn about their surroundings. They will talk about it, joke about and will completely disregard if you are 12 or 92. So, while it was deeply inappropriate to discuss such things with you as 12yo and it showed lack of moral compass in your "friend", i'd still be hesitant to call it intentional grooming. It's a bit like this old joke about threesome. When your man asks you about having threesome it's a joke. Unless answer is yes.

Third instance - whenever i see a relationship with age gap that also involves guilt tripping (no matter the kind), all alarms in my head go crazy and that's all about it. Guilt trip in general is a huge red flag and if it includes underage person AND age gap? Hell no.

As for "older people being weird" - that's illusory internet anonymity for you. Creeps love it.

 

[iamanavalanche]

ive also been through cocsa and it can be one of the most confusing things in the world if this person did molest you, that IS SA. the person who molested me was 7 and so was I and I also hold know malice towards her. but i do know what she did was SA and that she was replicating behaviours that were done to her.

ive also been groomed at ages 14 and 16. if the person had tried to form an emotional connection with you for the purpose of coercion/sexual abuse, that is grooming. so, if the 19 year old used suicide as a way to get closer to you and form this bond, i would consider that grooming. but at the end of the day, what all of these people have done to you was tragic and wrong and im sorry that you have been through all these horrific experiences :( i can only hope that we both can heal from such trauma ♡

 

[acidkitsune23]

ive also been through cocsa and it can be one of the most confusing things in the world if this person did molest you, that IS SA. the person who molested me was 7 and so was I and I also hold know malice towards her. but i do know what she did was SA and that she was replicating behaviours that were done to her.

ive also been groomed at ages 14 and 16. if the person had tried to form an emotional connection with you for the purpose of coercion/sexual abuse, that is grooming. so, if the 19 year old used suicide as a way to get closer to you and form this bond, i would consider that grooming. but at the end of the day, what all of these people have done to you was tragic and wrong and im sorry that you have been through all these horrific experiences :( i can only hope that we both can heal from such trauma ♡

Thank you so much omg :( im so so sorry you had to go through that too <3

 

[Hobowithalaptop]

Not bad. You even included topics like grooming. Quite convincing. If you only took your time deleting my post.

 

[galaxid]

So I've never been SA'd, so I'm not going to speak on that aspect. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It sounds to me like you want better nuance to describe these experiences, and 'grooming' has a lot of connotations. I'll say first that grooming is one of those things people do intentionally to gain the trust of a child to then manipulate them into doing what they want. Not necessarily sexual-- it could be to stroke their own ego or make themselves feel better about their lives. They have a 'friend' now who won't judge them for being immature.

Some of these guys practice this like its an olympic sport and they're going for gold. A bunch of them might give up on a kid if that kid isn't responding the way they want them to. Sometimes they go running if their target challenges them-- sometimes they change their intent. But these predators have different tools at their disposal. This is what I've seen anyway:

Emotional manipulation!!! To hold his potential bullshit suicide over you to manipulate you into continuing a friendship or otherwise 100% counts as grooming. And it is designed to work, certainly does so with grown adults, let alone teens! I hope you don't hold yourself accountable for that, because like I said, they practice a lot.

Excessive flattery is another. I got that one a lot, where grown men would tell me what a mature young adult I was, even though I was 15 and couldn't sleep without my dolls. They want you to feel special so your identity hinges on their approval alone.

Trying to be overly involved in your life is one of them, too. Where they're trying to get every little detail about a kid's home life, fears and vulnerabilities, etc. They're collecting evidence that they can therefore use to manipulate them into doing what they want. You didn't mention anything specific to that, but the guys that do this a lot know that they need to figure out a child's vulnerabilities to better manupulate them. It plays into the emotional manipulation, guilt trippy shit. And, of course, the gaslighting.

I'm sure there are actual studies done with more than just anecdotal information about this. I've had plenty of friends who were groomed by adults-- to the point that I was defending one dude to my friend after he did something horrible. To this day, I don't know what. But my argument was that I thought she was 'blowing it out of proportion', and I only believed that because he told me she was. She and I were 16, he was 25.

The key here is the power imbalance. A 25 year old knows what 'real life' is like, much more than a 15 year old. They have experience in the world, they've dealt with life in a way a teenager hasn't, and could never have because they're so young. Older men like that use their experience to manipulate youths who could not possibly know how much they're being used. It's the age, the power imbalance, and the sheer fact that these guys do not actually care. They're doing this for their own gratification, and the child is only a means to shore up their insecurities.

These assholes appeal to their targets' emotions, not their logic. It worked on me, and I thought I knew what I was looking out for. These adults are counting on a child's vulnerability and empathy, and a kid can't know their real intentions. It looks identical to genuine interest and care, when you're young. At least that's what it looked like to me.

 

[acidkitsune23]

Not bad. You even included topics like grooming. Quite convincing. If you only took your time deleting my post.

??

 

[galaxid]

??

Seems like they might be experiencing some hardcore paranoia / psychosis or somethin'. At least, that's the way my spiral sounds when I'm losing touch with the world. Maybe I'm projecting though.

Either way, I hope they're alright.

 

[acidkitsune23]

Seems like they might be experiencing some hardcore paranoia / psychosis or somethin'. At least, that's the way my spiral sounds when I'm losing touch with the world. Maybe I'm projecting though.

Either way, I hope they're alright.

True lol, hope theyre doing okay