Discussion Am I a coward?

[Samhain616]

Here's the thing I HAVE to die. Not to go in to to much detail but my problems are circumstance and causing me immense perpetual turmoil and torture. I HAVE to die if I'm not going to suffer. There is no smiles or enjoyment for as long as I live. It's not necessarily that I want to die. What I want is a time machine to go back and choose different paths but as that's not an option the choice is suffering or death. So why can't I do it? I have a method, I'm confident it will work, I want out. What is stopping me? Why do I bottle it every time I come close? Are people who go through with it truly sadder than I am? Or are they just braver than I am? It's hard to imagine more sadness. I can imagine more madness as time goes by. Sadness to madness. Is that what it is? I really need out and I need to understand what's holding me back because I truly have no hope for happiness now. I feel all I'm doing is procrastinating and I feel such a coward. How do I numb the fear? Alcohol doesn't work. How do I switch off the fear?

 

[Final Escape]

switch off fear so u can ctb? No u are not a coward :)

 

[not_a_robot]

I am a coward too. It's just instinct, not a choice.

 

[Samhain616]

Yeah what is the difference between people who do it and people who don't? I know my life is unbearable so why do other people teach this point and jump off a bridge where as all I do is stare at my walls and dream of having the courage. I have the charcoal method all ready to go in a car but now I'm starting to feel as though I'll only be able to do it if I hit auto pilot somehow and do something that doesn't require to much thought like jumping or hanging. The set up involved with the charcoal method takes to long and I just feel as in the 30 minutes prior to set up and the time it takes to find a place secluded enough I will bottle it. I keep experimenting with a slipknot and partial hanging but as soon as I feel my head throb I stop. It's not even that it's painful it's just my SI kicks in. How the hell do I switch that off?

 

[ProhibereDolor]

Not being able to does not mean you're a coward. Even though you want to throw in the towel and just get out of the suffering you are experiencing there must be something that you may not even realize that is keeping you here. I really don't think there is a way to just switch off the mechanism. You may want some kind of substance to allow you to follow through. But what I would say to that, and it's just my personal view, that you should not be taking any kind of drug or drink in order to push yourself to do it. It should be a very deliberate decision that is well thought through (you can't figure it all out) about how it will affect those around you and close to you. Now, that's not to say that you should suffer because you don't want to cause someone pain. It is ultimately your choice and yours alone. As for the question is someone sadder than you: I subscribe to the ultimately badass words of qui-gon jinn. There's always a bigger fish. But seriously, you really have to think through the whole process of ending it. Because you for damn sure want to know it is really something you want to do and that there are no other options because if you succeed there is no coming back. Unless of course you subscribe to reincarnation. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

After sleeping through a hundred million centuries we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparkling with color, bountiful with life. Within decades we must close our eyes again. Isn't it a noble and enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it?

 

[Samhain616]

I do feel as though I'm getting closer to doing it but I'm just worried it's gonna take me years to overcome all the individual fears that are stopping me. If ever. I'm agnostic and I have no idea what comes next same as everyone but what I was afraid of for a while was nothingness or maybe even hell although I feel hell is unlikely. These things no longer scare me as nothingness just sounds peaceful and hell is what I'm living now although I'm sure the mental pain I'm feeling would be worse if it was also accompanied by the physical pain of burning for eternity. But no hell makes no sense to me and nothingness doesn't scare me. I'm not as scared as heights as I was so I can envision a future where I jump. There's a very high bridge not far from me that has the occasional jumper. It's a motorway bridge and I'm worried I'll get there, freeze and end up just being sectioned. With hanging what do you think the statistics are? Are most people first time attempters or would you say most people practice for a while first? I keep practicing but I'll be honest I last no more than 2-3 seconds before I grasp at the rope and pull it off

Not being able to does not mean you're a coward. Even though you want to throw in the towel and just get out of the suffering you are experiencing there must be something that you may not even realize that is keeping you here. I really don't think there is a way to just switch off the mechanism. You may want some kind of substance to allow you to follow through. But what I would say to that, and it's just my personal view, that you should not be taking any kind of drug or drink in order to push yourself to do it. It should be a very deliberate decision that is well thought through (you can't figure it all out) about how it will affect those around you and close to you. Now, that's not to say that you should suffer because you don't want to cause someone pain. It is ultimately your choice and yours alone. As for the question is someone sadder than you: I subscribe to the ultimately badass words of qui-gon jinn. There's always a bigger fish. But seriously, you really have to think through the whole process of ending it. Because you for damn sure want to know it is really something you want to do and that there are no other options because if you succeed there is no coming back. Unless of course you subscribe to reincarnation. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

After sleeping through a hundred million centuries we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparkling with color, bountiful with life. Within decades we must close our eyes again. Isn't it a noble and enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it?

^don't listen to this asshole. If they can't give you an actual answer that is thought through and just wants to be a prick then they are unworthy of your time.

It's ok I know when somebody is trolling and I don't mind. I did ask the question and it's ok. I have nothing but love for everyone here no matter how we behave as we're only here because of turmoil. I wish everybody in here could be ok. I wish none of us were suffering but life doesn't work that way unfortunately. It's not supposed to be fair

 

[fisil]

Not being able to does not mean you're a coward. Even though you want to throw in the towel and just get out of the suffering you are experiencing there must be something that you may not even realize that is keeping you here. I really don't think there is a way to just switch off the mechanism. You may want some kind of substance to allow you to follow through. But what I would say to that, and it's just my personal view, that you should not be taking any kind of drug or drink in order to push yourself to do it. It should be a very deliberate decision that is well thought through (you can't figure it all out) about how it will affect those around you and close to you. Now, that's not to say that you should suffer because you don't want to cause someone pain. It is ultimately your choice and yours alone. As for the question is someone sadder than you: I subscribe to the ultimately badass words of qui-gon jinn. There's always a bigger fish. But seriously, you really have to think through the whole process of ending it. Because you for damn sure want to know it is really something you want to do and that there are no other options because if you succeed there is no coming back. Unless of course you subscribe to reincarnation. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

After sleeping through a hundred million centuries we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparkling with color, bountiful with life. Within decades we must close our eyes again. Isn't it a noble and enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it?

^don't listen to this asshole. If they can't give you an actual answer that is thought through and just wants to be a prick then they are unworthy of your time.

I just answered his question. What is your problem? I am also a coward you are not dying everyday and i can relate to his post a lot of things.

 

[Roberto]

Here's the thing I HAVE to die. Not to go in to to much detail but my problems are circumstance and causing me immense perpetual turmoil and torture. I HAVE to die if I'm not going to suffer. There is no smiles or enjoyment for as long as I live. It's not necessarily that I want to die. What I want is a time machine to go back and choose different paths but as that's not an option the choice is suffering or death. So why can't I do it? I have a method, I'm confident it will work, I want out. What is stopping me? Why do I bottle it every time I come close? Are people who go through with it truly sadder than I am? Or are they just braver than I am? It's hard to imagine more sadness. I can imagine more madness as time goes by. Sadness to madness. Is that what it is? I really need out and I need to understand what's holding me back because I truly have no hope for happiness now. I feel all I'm doing is procrastinating and I feel such a coward. How do I numb the fear? Alcohol doesn't work. How do I switch off the fear?

Just by confronting the idea of death, makes you brave. But, we are not 100% secure about doing it. Part of us wants to keep living. Me also. We have a conflict inside, part of use think we must ctb, part have doubts, or it is afraid of whats next (probably nothing).
Many people try to overcome the idea of death, with a paradise with gods. Probably is a coward effective form to accept death.
I'm also afraid to ctb. Be kind to yourself.
A big hug.

 

[ProhibereDolor]

I am a coward too. It's just instinct, not a choice.

You are not a coward. Ctb is a huge decision. I believe that almost all people that ctb were scared to death (edit: probably not the best choice of words) at some point of the process. Hell, I am. And I'm probably still at least 6 months away so I can get my affairs in order like what will be going to my child etc etc.

I just answered his question. What is your problem? I am also a coward you are not dying everyday and i can relate to his post a lot of things.

It sounded sarcastic and trying to be hurtful. Maybe I read into it wrong. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to remove it from the post but can't figure out how. So for all intents and purposes just disregard that last part.

 

[suffering]

I know how you feel. It took me months to recover after my lost confrontation with my survival instinct. I lived like a zombie, I could barely get out of bed. I sometimes walked the streets like a crazy person, sometimes talking to myself. I eventually accepted my status as a prisoner and I started to put effort into making my life tolerable, while waiting for a natural death. I can't wait to die.
I also kept asking myself how can others do it and if I am a coward. I think there is a big spectrum between courage and cowardice. We do lack courage, but I wouldn't call a coward someone who decides to die but can't overcome a natural instinct. We're probably in the middle area of the spectrum.

 

[Saiti]

You are not a coward. Ctb is a huge decision. I believe that almost all people that ctb were scared to death (edit: probably not the best choice of words) at some point of the process. Hell, I am. And I'm probably still at least 6 months away so I can get my affairs in order like what will be going to my child etc etc.

It sounded sarcastic and trying to be hurtful. Maybe I read into it wrong. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to remove it from the post but can't figure out how. So for all intents and purposes just disregard that last part.

off topic What does ctb mean? I see it alot on this forum

 

[SHThrowAway213]

off topic What does ctb mean? I see it alot on this forum

Catch the bus
Its another way of saying to kill yourself

 

[ProhibereDolor]

off topic What does ctb mean? I see it alot on this forum

Sorry I didn't get back to you in a timely manner. I try to be there to answer any questions but unfortunately I had a situation to deal with. Thanks to SHThrowAway213 for being there.

 

[Extremly kind <3]

Yeah what is the difference between people who do it and people who don't? I know my life is unbearable so why do other people teach this point and jump off a bridge where as all I do is stare at my walls and dream of having the courage. I have the charcoal method all ready to go in a car but now I'm starting to feel as though I'll only be able to do it if I hit auto pilot somehow and do something that doesn't require to much thought like jumping or hanging. The set up involved with the charcoal method takes to long and I just feel as in the 30 minutes prior to set up and the time it takes to find a place secluded enough I will bottle it. I keep experimenting with a slipknot and partial hanging but as soon as I feel my head throb I stop. It's not even that it's painful it's just my SI kicks in. How the hell do I switch that off?

I tried partial an hour ago at the toilet, and my SI kicked in when I was about to faint, so my hands removed the rope quickly, the my mind was like do u really wanna die at the bathroom ?! my brain is fucking torturing me it is not deciding what actually it wants !!

 

[WinterIsComing]

I guess people who do it are pretty impulsive and choose risky methods...
But dunno