Ever since I can recall memories from early childhood (like 6,7) I remember wishing I didn't exist, wishing I didn't have to be here. Being alive has felt …wrong, like I'm committing a grave offense just by being in this world.
Maybe that's just my traumas, but it's the one constant in my life.
Moving out and transitioning in my early twenties, meeting people and doing a tiny bit of self actualizing helped a bit, sometimes a great deal- but the feelings have always persisted. The depression, the longing for the void, always hiding in the background. Combined with other mental health issues leading into some substance abuse probably exacerbated things, even if it opened a lot of doors for me, it was destroying my relationships with the people around me. So I quit cold turkey, running up on two years now.
Lost a lot in the time, but struggled to build some great things, build myself up and assert that I belong here.
But it always comes back. So far this year I've had more failed attempts than any of the others in my life combined. It's worn down on my relationships like it usually does, my cries for help have driven away most of my support, and I get it, it's really difficult being around someone who's always sad, who might die at any moment. My recent string of attempts just sealed it.
Lost pretty much everyone who was able to really support me. Lost my place in a project I was building with some people close to me that was extremely important to me, one of the things that was keeping me going each month. I've become a pariah. Going to lose my housing soon too.
It feels like the universe keeps either testing me or pushing me into this direction. Like I'm stuck in an escalating game of chicken. I feel like I'm in a position where I'm left with few other choices.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But I've always come here from time to time to read the posts, and the information about using SN to ctb. It's always given me a morbid feeling of calmness, and to see others with similar struggles (though it is disheartening to see others pain) makes me feel less alone.
I do therapy. I've tried the meds. Done programs. I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted. I want to rest.
Might be able to find SN soon. I don't know what I'm gonna do, if I'm gonna try to ctb again soon. But the idea of having something that presents a way out makes me feel so much better. Because If I've got agency like that, it feels like it becomes my choice to continue to live.
edit: One other thing I forgot to bring up, but it's kind of weird and has more to do with my beliefs than my struggle. The idea of reincarnation, and maybe even before that, something that's really stuck with me is the concept of quantum immortality. It's something that's suggested from time to time in (some) near death experience stories. A person dies, and some entity basically scoops them up, and throws them back into a different timeline where they didn't die. Could be a perfectly normal version of events with little consequence, or the person could end up in a much worse situation.
I wonder if this has happened to me in some of my attempts- if I'm being kept here, but each time I try to leave I get thrown back into a version of my life where things are worse than the last time. Just a thought experiment really, but sort of a terrifying one that sometimes keeps me from wanting to try to leave again. I guess maybe I'll find out sooner or later.
Maybe that's just my traumas, but it's the one constant in my life.
Moving out and transitioning in my early twenties, meeting people and doing a tiny bit of self actualizing helped a bit, sometimes a great deal- but the feelings have always persisted. The depression, the longing for the void, always hiding in the background. Combined with other mental health issues leading into some substance abuse probably exacerbated things, even if it opened a lot of doors for me, it was destroying my relationships with the people around me. So I quit cold turkey, running up on two years now.
Lost a lot in the time, but struggled to build some great things, build myself up and assert that I belong here.
But it always comes back. So far this year I've had more failed attempts than any of the others in my life combined. It's worn down on my relationships like it usually does, my cries for help have driven away most of my support, and I get it, it's really difficult being around someone who's always sad, who might die at any moment. My recent string of attempts just sealed it.
Lost pretty much everyone who was able to really support me. Lost my place in a project I was building with some people close to me that was extremely important to me, one of the things that was keeping me going each month. I've become a pariah. Going to lose my housing soon too.
It feels like the universe keeps either testing me or pushing me into this direction. Like I'm stuck in an escalating game of chicken. I feel like I'm in a position where I'm left with few other choices.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But I've always come here from time to time to read the posts, and the information about using SN to ctb. It's always given me a morbid feeling of calmness, and to see others with similar struggles (though it is disheartening to see others pain) makes me feel less alone.
I do therapy. I've tried the meds. Done programs. I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted. I want to rest.
Might be able to find SN soon. I don't know what I'm gonna do, if I'm gonna try to ctb again soon. But the idea of having something that presents a way out makes me feel so much better. Because If I've got agency like that, it feels like it becomes my choice to continue to live.
edit: One other thing I forgot to bring up, but it's kind of weird and has more to do with my beliefs than my struggle. The idea of reincarnation, and maybe even before that, something that's really stuck with me is the concept of quantum immortality. It's something that's suggested from time to time in (some) near death experience stories. A person dies, and some entity basically scoops them up, and throws them back into a different timeline where they didn't die. Could be a perfectly normal version of events with little consequence, or the person could end up in a much worse situation.
I wonder if this has happened to me in some of my attempts- if I'm being kept here, but each time I try to leave I get thrown back into a version of my life where things are worse than the last time. Just a thought experiment really, but sort of a terrifying one that sometimes keeps me from wanting to try to leave again. I guess maybe I'll find out sooner or later.
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