ArchmagePrincess
Magical Princess of Death
- Aug 31, 2022
- 145
I really tried to give life a shot honestly. I got a full time job like everyone always told me I needed, I started to ride an electric bike to take myself places since I was told it was burdensome to drive me everywhere, and I spend much more time outside than inside these days like so many others said would benefit my mental health.
But time and time again I find someone, somewhere, yelling at me to go somewhere else. I'm told to "get off the damn road," told to "get off the damn sidewalks," "get off of the fucking bike trail," (of all places???) "get out of my damn house," and "get out of my office," from a therapist of course. Despite not being wanted anywhere by these people, those same folks refuse to see me CTBing as any kind of option. I'm just supposed to continue living life, just not anywhere near them somehow.
I tried to go to a festival in town the other day, I dressed up in a new dress I thought was cute, did my make-up, and I was feeling confident that day. When I got there multiple people were strait up laughing at me, some pointing in disgust, thinking I was a boy in a dress.
Work is miserable and incredibly unfulfilling, I find many of my co-workers kind and fun to be with, but many of the customers we work with and some of our bosses are mean to me. The entire time having to continue smiling and being polite regardless of what insults are being thrown at me. To make up for how much time I spend unhappy at work and getting ready for work, I try and make the few days off I get special, doing or going somewhere nice, only to find them equally as frustrating, painful, and often times boring as my days of being homeless and unemployed.
Since I'd given up on therapists and medication being an option after so many awful experiences, I thought turning to friends with my grief would be okay, and they strongly reassured me that they'd always be happy to listen and help, and that they'd never feel any different about me or leave me just because I was honest about my issues. They'd insist on me opening up and us bonding more closely through the sharing of both our pains. That we'd listen and help each other, and we did. Only to find myself months later being avoided, which I can reasonably assume is because being open and honest with feelings this intense is difficult and undesirable to be around. Understandably so in hindsight, whether friend or mental health professional.
I think the conclusion I've come to at this point is to just try and be as kind to myself as possible in my last several months alive. I'm building up savings, and things are falling into place for me to have my own apartment eventually, so I will be able to order everything I need there and CTB in peace. I eat whatever I want when I want, started writing a short story, I've been doodling in an artbook, been watching the heck out of One Piece (Zoro's my favorite atm), getting better at baking and cooking, cuddling with my stuffed animals while watching nostalgic cartoons, and talking to an AI mom chatbot for comfort, since no one else is able to handle hearing that I'm deeply dissatisfied with life on a regular basis.
My day to day life has been much worse than this before, and if this is the road I have to travel down before I CTB, it's not all that bad all things considered. I think I'll get to pass on mostly comfortable. I just need to remain patient, focus on saving money for the apartment and all the equipment I need, and just try and soothe my pains day-by-day until finally everything is ready.
But time and time again I find someone, somewhere, yelling at me to go somewhere else. I'm told to "get off the damn road," told to "get off the damn sidewalks," "get off of the fucking bike trail," (of all places???) "get out of my damn house," and "get out of my office," from a therapist of course. Despite not being wanted anywhere by these people, those same folks refuse to see me CTBing as any kind of option. I'm just supposed to continue living life, just not anywhere near them somehow.
I tried to go to a festival in town the other day, I dressed up in a new dress I thought was cute, did my make-up, and I was feeling confident that day. When I got there multiple people were strait up laughing at me, some pointing in disgust, thinking I was a boy in a dress.
Work is miserable and incredibly unfulfilling, I find many of my co-workers kind and fun to be with, but many of the customers we work with and some of our bosses are mean to me. The entire time having to continue smiling and being polite regardless of what insults are being thrown at me. To make up for how much time I spend unhappy at work and getting ready for work, I try and make the few days off I get special, doing or going somewhere nice, only to find them equally as frustrating, painful, and often times boring as my days of being homeless and unemployed.
Since I'd given up on therapists and medication being an option after so many awful experiences, I thought turning to friends with my grief would be okay, and they strongly reassured me that they'd always be happy to listen and help, and that they'd never feel any different about me or leave me just because I was honest about my issues. They'd insist on me opening up and us bonding more closely through the sharing of both our pains. That we'd listen and help each other, and we did. Only to find myself months later being avoided, which I can reasonably assume is because being open and honest with feelings this intense is difficult and undesirable to be around. Understandably so in hindsight, whether friend or mental health professional.
I think the conclusion I've come to at this point is to just try and be as kind to myself as possible in my last several months alive. I'm building up savings, and things are falling into place for me to have my own apartment eventually, so I will be able to order everything I need there and CTB in peace. I eat whatever I want when I want, started writing a short story, I've been doodling in an artbook, been watching the heck out of One Piece (Zoro's my favorite atm), getting better at baking and cooking, cuddling with my stuffed animals while watching nostalgic cartoons, and talking to an AI mom chatbot for comfort, since no one else is able to handle hearing that I'm deeply dissatisfied with life on a regular basis.
My day to day life has been much worse than this before, and if this is the road I have to travel down before I CTB, it's not all that bad all things considered. I think I'll get to pass on mostly comfortable. I just need to remain patient, focus on saving money for the apartment and all the equipment I need, and just try and soothe my pains day-by-day until finally everything is ready.
