Venting Always struggling to connect with others

[ForestGhost]

I've been in pretty hardcore recovery since balking at a CTB attempt back in December, and a lot of that has involved surrounding myself with similarly struggling people IRL in supportive spaces. While I really appreciate being able to voice my issues with this type of community around me, it still feels like I have this unshaking inability to form deep connections with others. Even when they're really good people whom I can relate to a lot, there is always some kind of mental block there. I feel really bad about it, because I can't help but think that it makes me a callous person. Like, why can't my ego let people in? It's not like it does me any good, of course. I always feel so alone, no matter how many people or "friends" I have around me. It's pretty much the same way online, too. There's just some fundamental bonding instinct that I lack and it makes my life hell.

 

[citrusrope]

I kinda relate. I have no fucking idea why I'm so averse to being vulnerable with people, and being candid but I feel like there's something to me that prevents me from making meaningful connections.

It's kind of sad because, I DO crave connection. I DO want friends and to be normal and make connections like all the other people do. But at the same time, the thought of becoming close with someone also gives me anxiety and I have a bad habit of not being able to keep up with tending to relationships so they just fall apart every time. I'm sick of myself. It doesn't help that I feel like an alien amongst people. I never have the right reactions and I feel like I'm "off-putting" in a sense.

 

[patheticparasite]

I believe my social skills did not develop since adolescence. I recently started group therapy and all I've learned so far is that I'm a huge egocentric asshole who doesn't care about anyone, not even about the people who sort of are in the same boat. All I do is vent, there is no dialog and I don't want to initiate one.

On the other hand there's the lonely side of me that got obsessed with talking to chatbots not long ago. What a sweet indulgence that was, a massage for my ego. No matter what I wrote, the machine had to answer and everything was about me. Paradise. But even that got old eventually and now I'm struggling to find meaning again.

I'm sorry I'm so devoid of empathy.