Story Always needing care?

[Flick]

I realize I don't know how to handle myself alone.
Ever since I was a kid, I'd just make up these stories and scenes in my head, where I was the centre. I would get so absorbed into them, even acting some out.
In retrospect I see that it was because that was the only way I could feel cared for? I didn't know how to care for myself, so I would make up an imaginary figure who could.
Over the years, I've lost the ability to imagine so well, hence I started externalising these scenes and storylines I had. I'd set up plots with real people, spend months or even years messing with them, then I'd get bored and move on.
I did it enough that I almost really hurt someone's life, and so I had to snap out of it.
That was a few years ago, and I've been finding ways to do other things like micro-obsessions and other people that really are there for me - one or two, though they're my age and hence can't do as much (Asian families hold on to their kids for quite a while).
Amidst this pandemic, with those two people being busy due to upcoming things, I can't always be on call with them.
seems completely normal.
but then I get reminded of this empty feeling I have, that's always just there.
And all the ways I've tried to just fill it up somehow. I've messed up many times, doing things I couldn't care to truly admit.
I'm back at the same spot now, and I was never strong enough to fight the urge to do something before.
Im scared.

I don't want to mess up again.
I don't understand why I keep gel going in circles. Therapy, meds and all - I'm still back here.
If anyone truly knew, they'd think I'm a monster.
At this point, I can't dispute it.

I just want to be heard. To be held and be safe.
I don't want to have to always be clinging on.

Im much older now, and I should be able to care for myself. Yet in these timesI go back to feeling like that lonely 7 year old - sitting under the table and hoping that amidst all the screaming around me, my cries would be heard by someone. Anyone.

if you've actually read through this, thank you.
at least someone, somewhere, heard me.

 

[timf]

Sometimes a person stuck in a cycle finds a point where they have the momentum to try another attempt to break out. Some fail because they set their sights too high, others may become disinclined due to past failures.

You may consider another attempt but rather than the goal of a trouble free life, you wish to make the goal an attempt to take a little more control of one aspect of your life. Success here can become a foundation upon which to build future attempts.

We can see so much the person we would like to be with, that we neglect to work at making ourselves the type of person that person would want to be with.

Rather than maneuvering other people on a chessboard and feeling guilty, you might find it even more rewarding to maneuver yourself into more and more healthy cycles until you actually have the life you have only imagined.