Venting Always making the same mistakes.....

[Kevin_theFrog]

Wondering if anyone else makes or has made this mistake:
Feeling like you're about to give in, but deciding against it and living another day. Only to find out that it was the worst mistake u ever made as the feeling fades and shit that gets thrown ur way makes life worse

I shouldn have chosen to ignore this feeling, it was the perfect moment as well ._.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

Almost constantly. Oh this is gonna be a perfect day for me tomorrow, I'd rather wait a little longer... And longer... And longer... For 10 years like that by now.
What happened though? On your end I mean?

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I fuck up day after day, I never fucking learn,

 

[Kevin_theFrog]

Almost constantly. Oh this is gonna be a perfect day for me tomorrow, I'd rather wait a little longer... And longer... And longer... For 10 years like that by now.
What happened though? On your end I mean?

OOF reading that hurts. I know saying this might be against this site or what I just stated, but I wish you didn't feel like u have to do it.
Not a lot happened for me to feel this way, tho a lot happened for me to stay silent about it.

I was depressed on and off since I was 14 yrs old, tho back then I didn't notice it. It actually took me untill last years suicide attempt to realize my mindset fucked me up all this time and I tried to change it. Only for it to work for a lil while and fall back in during Christmas/new year end 2019. It ried to hang myself multiple times in a row, only to change my mind in the end and take the belt off. I still dk if that was a smart decision or not.

Anywya felt lowkey suicidal multiple times during internship cuz of the way I was treated, tho it calmed down during quarantine only for it to pop back up again later. Which gave me a strong urge to climb out the window to drop and break my neck.

Sorry if it's vague if I go into details it might be too long

I fuck up day after day, I never fucking learn,

Holy shit u sound like me. That's my exact problem, maybe suicide is the way out if there's no way out of these bad habits I created...
What made u feel that way?

 

[Soulless_Angel]

[QUOTE="Kevin_theFrog, post: 771479, member: 19240"

Holy shit u sound like me. That's my exact problem, maybe suicide is the way out if there's no way out of these bad habits I created...
What made u feel that way?
[/QUOTE]

How long ya got?

 

[Kevin_theFrog]

[QUOTE="Kevin_theFrog, post: 771479, member: 19240"

Holy shit u sound like me. That's my exact problem, maybe suicide is the way out if there's no way out of these bad habits I created...
What made u feel that way?

How long ya got?

Nvm I get it now. I got all day atm lol

 

[ghostgirl1995]

I relate I've been making mistakes after mistakes. I wish I would have found my method earlier instead of making a clown show for the past couple of years.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

what do I mean, yet it asked about making the same mistakes, my answer is how long do you have for me to explain my own personal answer to this question?

 

[Kevin_theFrog]

I relate I've been making mistakes after mistakes. I wish I would have found my method earlier instead of making a clown show for the past couple of years.

Same here tbh if I found a surefire method I would've been gone before I fucked up the first thing I studied for

what do I mean, yet it asked about making the same mistakes, my answer is how long do you have for me to explain my own personal answer to this question?

Yah I corrected myself already. I said I got all day

 

[death unto me]

I can relate. I always think that if only i ctb before then I wouldn't have to suffer now. So, I blame myself for every adversity I experience. I'll kill myself eventually so why not relieve myself of the trouble and get the hell out of this limbo.Well, rn I'm still contemplating so there's that

 

[Deleted member 19276]

@Kevin_theFrog Oh gosh... I don't want it to sound strange here, but I wish you weren't experiencing such urges as well. No one really deserves something like this to be honest... Sometimes I don't even wish it to the bad people that have done things to me. Hey, it seems like you are in a position where you can't escape thinking of that sort of stuff. For me, it's been happening a lot. No matter how hard I try to rip out any suicidal thoughts from me at times, they stick back. It's a very bad feeling and at the same time, what is scaring me a bit is that it feels empowering to an extent. Rather than that, you said 2014... For me it originally started the June of 2008. Feels like another lifetime ago. Probably because it was. As always, I appreciate that you are sharing with likeminded people. As for the treated thing you mentioned, you are welcome to share there more if you wish. I will never judge about anything, personally.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

ded srs man I am like an endless loop of predictable repetitive mistakes. I make the same flawed responses in similar situations yet can't fix it because it's based on my emotions and I can't force them to change.

 

[Bct]

Yeah, the longer I'm alive, the longer I make mistakes. It's frustrating when the mistakes mostly are about the same thing, like it's too hard to change my bad habits.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

Yes, but apparently me being alive is already a huge mistake. So each day only makes it worse.

 

[Nyxx33]

Yea.. I don't know what the hell happened to me. When I first started community college and was living with my brother I was pretty self sufficient emotionally, in touch with my passions, meditation etc, didn't need anyone, felt somewhat secure in myself- then got into my first relationship and totally lost myself in the other person. Since then I've only had a couple of times in my life where I felt very in tune with myself and secure. I get triggered easily, ignore the small still voice that says "don't do that- that's not good for you- stay away" or even that voice and desire / urge that tells me to be happy and do good for others. Because then I think I don't want to be taken advantage of like my mom. Or that people don't really care. My voice of reason is so damn quiet but then when I ignore it it turns into this horrible tyrant parent that berates me and now I feel like I'm just this bad child running around causing chaos everywhere I go and crying about the mess I've made of my life and opportunities I threw away. I wonder what happened to that child adults used to be impressed by and say was so mature for her age. I used to even be able to sit still and read entire books. I feel I've been stuck at 15 for the last 18 years. Same music, same humor, same emotional make up. I know... just grow up. I feel like Benjamin Button.

 

[Heavy]

Yea.. I don't know what the hell happened to me. When I first started community college and was living with my brother I was pretty self sufficient emotionally, in touch with my passions, meditation etc, didn't need anyone, felt somewhat secure in myself- then got into my first relationship and totally lost myself in the other person. Since then I've only had a couple of times in my life where I felt very in tune with myself and secure. I get triggered easily, ignore the small still voice that says "don't do that- that's not good for you- stay away" or even that voice and desire / urge that tells me to be happy and do good for others. Because then I think I don't want to be taken advantage of like my mom. Or that people don't really care. My voice of reason is so damn quiet but then when I ignore it it turns into this horrible tyrant parent that berates me and now I feel like I'm just this bad child running around causing chaos everywhere I go and crying about the mess I've made of my life and opportunities I threw away. I wonder what happened to that child adults used to be impressed by and say was so mature for her age. I used to even be able to sit still and read entire books. I feel I've been stuck at 15 for the last 18 years. Same music, same humor, same emotional make up. I know... just grow up. I feel like Benjamin Button.

Did your life go sideways after your breakup?

 

[Nyxx33]

Did your life go sideways after your breakup?

Naw.. I was referring to my first boyfriend who moved back to Japan and it was hard but I knew it was coming and felt pretty free and happy after. I've just been very mentally / emotionally unstable since grad school I guess but really was depressed since I was a teenager. I think in part because I totally isolated myself from others except had online friends and never really learned to successfully maneuver relationships or relate to others.

 

[Heavy]

Naw.. I was referring to my first boyfriend who moved back to Japan and it was hard but I knew it was coming and felt pretty free and happy after. I've just been very mentally / emotionally unstable since grad school I guess but really was depressed since I was a teenager. I think in part because I totally isolated myself from others except had online friends and never really learned to successfully maneuver relationships or relate to others.

Wanna learn something new?

Life is all about "self-confidence". If ya got that, fake or not, you can live happy.

It's really Bullshit.

 

[Nyxx33]

Wanna learn something new?

Life is all about "self-confidence". If ya got that, fake or not, you can live happy.

It's really Bullshit.

I think there's truth to that for sure. Attitude really does influence a lot. We create our own reality to some extent... we gravitate towards whatever best fits the stories we create in our heads and then say "see? told you so" Humans like being right. Even if it causes pain and misery. Or we are blissfully ignorant.

 

[Aeathelina]

Ssounds like my feelings for the last seven years. I'd be dead already if I wasn't such a coward towards violent means and/ or had a car that I could drive off to a desolate area and starve to death.

 

[Kevin_theFrog]

@Kevin_theFrog Oh gosh... I don't want it to sound strange here, but I wish you weren't experiencing such urges as well. No one really deserves something like this to be honest... Sometimes I don't even wish it to the bad people that have done things to me. Hey, it seems like you are in a position where you can't escape thinking of that sort of stuff. For me, it's been happening a lot. No matter how hard I try to rip out any suicidal thoughts from me at times, they stick back. It's a very bad feeling and at the same time, what is scaring me a bit is that it feels empowering to an extent. Rather than that, you said 2014... For me it originally started the June of 2008. Feels like another lifetime ago. Probably because it was. As always, I appreciate that you are sharing with likeminded people. As for the treated thing you mentioned, you are welcome to share there more if you wish. I will never judge about anything, personally.

Heyyy I'm on again after a while and I just wanted to say that, yeah it does feel good to have those thoughts every now and then. Tho I hate it when it's so externalized that ppl can see at my face that smths wrong....so weird tho cuz I never know what I look like